The Rediff Special /Chitra Subramaniam

The Serpentine bar was by now full of raped Kashmiris, beaten Kashmiris, tortured Kashmiris, homeless Kashmiris and American Kashmiris

It was in Geneva that ISI and RAW agents spent six weeks wondering who belonged to the ISI, who to RAW and who was a double agent. The spy versus spy war became personal, between those who had gone to Government College, Lahore, before 'paltition' and after 'paltition'. Together, they were going to let all their subcontinental complexes hang out.

India then matched "tuth for tuth." It sent a barat studded with 20 ambassadors mobilised from as far away as Japan, New York, Nairobi and Peru and as near as London, Paris and Brussels so that the regional mix and vote were contained and suitably entertained. An Indian army general and a nuts-and-bolts spy from the home ministry (''counter injurjuncy,'' he said) joined the ranks of other spies who by this time were so obvious that an MEA joint secretary begged journalists not to blow their wigs off in national and Kashmiri interest.

New Delhi woke up to the menace of Pakistani propaganda with the sting and subtlety of Indian propaganda. Non-governmental organisations paid for by the Government of India sprung out of every corner of the UN in Geneva. One named All Bharat Institute of Non-Aligned Studies, affiliated to the Jawaharlal Nehru University, New Delhi, for that anti-government ring, was particularly active. Its members gained weight with each passing day and complained in public that the embassy was not providing them with "vehicles" to transport their "dakuments".

The Serpentine bar was by now full of raped Kashmiris, beaten Kashmiris, tortured Kashmiris, homeless Kashmiris and American Kashmiris. Suddenly Swedes, Finns, Icelanders and the Norwegians (natural bleeding hearts) were asking about Sopore, CRPF, Rashtriya Rifles, PUCL and the degree of independence accorded to India's newly constituted National Human Rights Commission.

Iranians, Albanians, Moroccans, Libyans and Saudi Arabians lectured India on the need to respect human rights. Russia told India that transparency and civil and political liberties were good for health and the US said it was not politically smart to frighten small neighbours.

"How can a country of India's size be so obsessed with the Kashmir problem?" chief US delegate Feraldine Gerraro asked an Indian journalist. "Madam, this is our version of the O J Simpson affair -- were it not for the fact that so many have died, it would be equally ridiculous," the hack replied as Gerraro looked stunned.

The world was too small. The Kashmir problem too big. The Loin felt trapped. Everywhere he turned he was confronted with ignorance, he moaned. "This morning the driver forgot my favourite restaurant -- what is going on here? Who is in charge?" he asked a joint secretary in the MEA who looked suitably concerned.

The European Union comprising the original colonisers sent ambassadors to New Delhi and India bent itself backwards to ensure they were well received. In other words, the India of 900 million people was on its knees in front of not just the Western, Eastern and Southern world, but also Togo.

Mrs Ainowitall's last supper was in honour of Togo. She had heard from sources that Togo was undecided about which way to vote and that could mean loss of Kashmir. She swung into action as only ambitious wives of mediocre diplomats can. She went shopping at the best outlets in Geneva to prepare for the Togo dinner.

Illustrations: Dominic Xavier

Excerpted from India Is For Sale, by Chitra Subramaniam, UBS, 1997, Rs 250, with the publisher's permission. Readers who wish to buy a copy of the book may direct their inquiries to Mr H S Sethi, UBS, Apeejay Chambers, Wallace Street, Fort, Bombay 400 001.

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