ASK ANU: 'My wife doesn't allow me to touch her'

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

Is your relationship causing you stress?

You are not alone!

Remember, your mental health is just as important as your physical well being.

In a first of its kind initiative to help Rediff readers, Mind/Life coach, NLP trainer and Mental Health Guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

In her previous self-help series Anu spoke about why couples are fighting more in the lockdown, and offered advice on how to address and solve day-to-day problems.

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's offline session with readers:

J: I have been married for 1.5 years now and my wife and we were not much of talkers before marriage also.

Now also she doesn't care about my job, family or anything about me. The only thing she needed from this marriage is a baby.

We only have sex once/twice a month just for this purpose and she doesn’t allow me to feel/touch her.

Emotionally and physically I am not feeling married. She is not interested in talking, not interested in any feelings, and avoids all kinds of conversations.

Is she selfish and stubborn? Will she be okay if we had our child or am I doomed?

She is well educated and has a job, so not dependent on me in any way.

I feel I am being used by her and she will throw me like a tissue paper when she gets what she needs.

She insists that I change my job because that way I can be involved in my job/ travel far for the job so that she can live "alone" happily.

I didn’t expect my marriage life and sex life will be this bad since I expected more and had dream of honeymoon etc and all.

ANU: Dear J, expectations can lead to a few maybe more disappointments.

We all do dream of that ‘perfect’ marriage and movies make a huge deal out of it literally making it hard for us to create our own marriages in peace.

When you say: She uses you as a ‘tissue paper’ do you refer to feeling that your voice doesn’t count and that you are needed only when she needs you?

What seems to be the problem is that the two of you haven’t allowed yourselves to know each other and grow together physically and emotionally.

Marriage is work and you have to work at it and with it everyday.

Living with another person from a different background and perhaps ideas and culture isn’t particularly a cakewalk.

Indian families invariably think that getting a baby solves everything. It in fact complicates the situation further.

Also, the sexual needs of a wife and husband may not be the same at the same point in time.

But this cannot be the cause of a crack in that marriage though most times this is the one that takes the crown.

If you feel emotionally and physically distant from her, don’t you think it’s time to set your differences aside and have a talk about this rather than burying it under the carpet?

Also, give a close look at if you are not comfortable with your wife being independent.

In a strictly patriarchal outlook, the man prefers that the women at home are kept into household chores and the man brings in the money and takes all the decisions.

If this is the case, (I am not suggesting but asking you to do a reality check on this), it is perhaps time to rewire your thoughts on this and harmonize with her independence.

Also, your wife must be made to understand that marriage is a place for two people to work together and being independent does not mean ‘living in isolation physically and emotionally’.

Consult with a professional if you feel but I always like it when the couple deal with this themselves as the sanctity of marriage is well-preserved.

Create a beautiful relationship!

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S: In every woman's life mother-in-law is the villain.

Similar situation happened in my life just 3 months back.

But here in my case I waited till 5 years and I have given a child to my husband. But there is no change in the situation.

Rather it became critical in such a way that my husband started harassing me physically, mentally.

Now, he is asking for mutual divorce.

I need suggestion from you how you handled the situation.

ANU: Dear S, how have you come to the conclusion that the mother-in-law is the villain in every woman’s life?

Have you checked with every woman or is this statement based on your experience and of a few others around you?

Making generalised statements like these, can play the villain in infusing more unwanted thoughts and situations in your life more that the people involved in it.

When you say, ‘I gave a child to my husband,’ does it mean that you were not ready to be a mother then?

I am sure you had a choice to say NO if you were not ready.

When we begin to play ‘victim’, it is easy to keep pulling instances that prove how unfairly we have been treated and play that over and over again till it feels absolutely true.

Instead, why don’t you list the problem accurately?

Assuming right now (as I don’t have much details from you), that you have been treated unfairly and that your husband has harassed you mentally and physically, if divorce is what he wants, do you also feel the same?

If you want to save your marriage, then look for a family therapist who can definitely help with that. But if you feel that you have reached the end of the runway and can’t take it anymore, maybe a mutual consent divorce maybe a better option.

Whatever that the two of you decide, remember that there is a child who is part of this entire situation and needs love and reassurance from both parents that he/she will still get a loving home to grow up in.

Most often couples who argue forget the repercussions that this has on a child and the egos get the better of them.

Whatever you do, there is ‘NO OTHER’ that can come into a marriage, no mother-in-law or anyone else.

Bringing anyone in complicates the marriage and any decision taken because of their treatment towards you cannot contribute to a failure in your marriage.

So choose wisely and take wise steps to do what’s best for your marriage, life and your child.

All the best for a clear mind and a great life!

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