ASK ANU: 'My wife was in a relationship. I'm devastated'

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone! 

In a first of its kind initiative to help Rediff readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

In one of her self-help series Anu spoke about why couples are fighting more in the lockdown, and offered advice on how to have a healthy conversation.

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's offline session with readers:

AK: Dear Madam, I have been married for 26 years having two sons.
Recently I discovered that my wife was in a relationship for last 11 years.
I was devastated after this new discovery.
After this my wife says sorry and she will move on and break off the relationship. But to my utter dismay the same is going on.
What step do I need to take in this matter?

ANU: Dear AK, time to sit down, talk and figure out if she and you want to be in this marriage.

Also, do you want to work on this marriage, do you want to continue?

Couples drift apart for various reasons and some may lead to finding a new sense of identity and thrill outside of marriage.

I guess it’s time for some reality check questions and truthfully answering them.

I am not going to pin your wife down or ask you what went wrong as this is for the two of you to talk and iron out.

Kindly take the help of a professional who can guide you both in an impartial manner, throw deep reflective questions to both of you so that it helps you reach some sort of decision.

In the meantime, understand that any connection outside of marriage happened for a reason and 11 years is a long time. To imagine that it can be broken off just like that is a good hopeful imagination.

So, it takes time and for her to understand that her marriage to you is important and that she can tactfully move away from the other connection requires some reflection on her part too.

Do support one another and it’s possible to rebuild the marriage if both of you choose to.

Create a good life!

R: Hello, it's been 2.5 years I am staying alone after my divorce.
I am mentally doing very good and having peaceful life after getting away from my toxic marriage life.
I have no problem in living alone with rest of my life, the only thing that concerns me is how to take care and look after myself as I get older?

ANU: Dear R, being alone is a scary thing indeed; but you know that enjoying your own company can be very satisfying as well.

Start to cultivate that from now on. Indulge in things daily that give you a lot of happiness.

Also, start to go to meet up groups where people of common interests come together for a discussion or a hobby.

We are social creatures and we thrive with social connects and why keep yourself away from that. Of course, you can choose solitude when you want to but do know you always have the option of mingling with people when you want to.

Regarding caring for yourself when you grow older, if this is indeed how you fathom it will be to grow old all by yourself, there are community living home project across India where you can invest or rent a place.

Here you will find people similar in age (future) and who might be like-minded with their children having relocated to other countries or other parts of India.

You might find couples in their sunset years or single people that age who for their chosen reasons are residing in that community.

The community does have medical facilities and cooking helpers to take care of its residents round the clock.

Also a few of them boast of libraries, swimming pools, gyms and more. So you have the flexibility of being with people yet you can choose solitude when you want to.

Do check the listings on this in Google with its recommendations.

Be happy and at peace always!

A: Hi Anu,I am a regular rediff news reader.
I went through some of you post and I felt I can surely request you to help me in my situation.
We are married since February 2017. We had a pretty good life in terms of physical and emotional as well.
In Dec 2018 we had a child but after that there is a change in my wife's sexual behaviour.
She is willing to have sex; we do get involved as well also. We become passionate in kissing and all but unfortunately she doesn't get wet.
It's very difficult for me to keep my focus and I lose my erection.
Just want to ask you is this because of change in hormonal issue due to birth of child or is this something we need to seek a professional to help us.
She is really loving, caring and even she is disappointed with this.
We even had a conversation over this. I asked her if she is no more interested in sex or if she doesn't find (me) attractive. Her answer was 'nothing like that'. She is very happy with me as a husband.

ANU: Dear A, being a mother is a big blessing for a woman.

She transitions into a beautiful phase of her life. But with this comes the responsibility of caring for a new-born or in your case a toddle round the clock.

She hardly has the time to focus on being a wife with the constant feeding and changing of nappies.

Added to that is she’s working, then there’s additional office work besides also taking care of the household chores.

Also, a woman goes through a lot of changes in her body after the delivery and for a few women sex is off the cards for a while after that.

This could be because some women feel that their body is not what their husbands will love anymore and also her focus has shifted on to her baby who needs her love, care and support 24/7.

There is a bond between the mother and the child that at times can irk a few husbands who can translate that as feeling ignored and angry.

This is the time the new father can also spring into action and come together for his lady and his child.

Support your wife unconditionally and love her without any expectations in return

Offer to care for the baby so that she can take some time-off to rejuvenate herself

Encourage her to indulge in a hobby that she might have stopped because of the baby; this will help her be in a happy space

Compliment her and engage in a little off-the-bedroom intimacy like hugging, kissing and holding hands

Watch movies together and do a couple of things that bonded you as a couple before the baby arrived

Smile at her warmly and reassure her that no matter what nothing has changed and that she is still the woman that you loved and married

Does this work? Yes, it does…Love and reassurance can cause a lot of calmness in her and arouse her better in bed.

And if there’s something still amiss, then maybe you could talk to a gynecologist who can guide both of you on the next steps and rule out any medical challenges. All is well.

Simply be in Love. Wishing you and your family a beautiful life!

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