In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.
Is your relationship causing you stress?
Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?
You are not alone!
As part of an initiative to help Rediff readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.
Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.
Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.
Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's latest offline session with readers:
GL: My name is Gift Luckson from Nigeria. I came across your article online and I really need your advice
I have been dating this guy now for 7 months. When we first met he was healing from a broken relationship he almost got married to the girl he was dating but due to genotype issue they couldn't get married because his genotype and the girl's genotype is AS and medically they were advised not to get married.
Eventually we met 7 months after they broke up. We became friends and started talking.
We fell in love but had the same fate as him and his ex. Our genotype was AS too, but he insisted that he wouldn't let genotype come in the way of his happiness anymore. That he is not willing to let me go, so we started dating.
As soon as his ex knew he had moved on, she came back and started testing him. She wanted them to come back together by all means.
He told me he still has feelings for her but he is working on staying away from her so he can be fully committed to me but things didn't get better between us.
I watch us drift apart every day and when I wanted to leave the relationship he begged me not to.
I read a message on his phone recently that the girl sent. She said she will be depressed and may kill herself if he doesn't come back to her.
I feel terrible each time I think of them.
I love him so much and I am so scared of losing him.
What should I do? I am so confused right now. I don't know if I should stay in the relationship or move on. Please advice.
Dear GL,
What exactly do you see as signs from this behaviour of the ex-girlfriend?
What exactly does he tell you when you asked him about the texts, if you indeed asked him about it?
When he says that he still has feelings for her, did you happen to ask yourself what your feelings want to tell you?
When he said that he would be committee to you and that didn’t happen, what did you exactly feel?
Now, do you really want to be with him always wondering if he is committed to you or not? OR
Will you pause for a moment and visualize how your life can be with a person dotes on you and values your presence in his life? (Of course, a word of caution, the AS genotype will definitely cause challenges when you decide to have a baby; so do bear that in mind)
Now, please do a reality check with the questions that I have posed to you above and I am sure, you will know exactly what your next step should be.
Losing a person who doesn’t value your presence is better than losing your peace of mind and constant worry. So, step up and do what feels right to you.
All the best!
KS: I'm 20 years old girl, started working during 9 months. I am the only girl in the family but now I feel like everything is a mess. From my family to working place to relationships.
My partner is 14years older than me. I made many mistakes at first when there was no confirmation.
I'm now changing myself in many aspects for him. But still he isn't satisfied. Till date he doesn't tell me who I'm to him. And in my family my parents control over my salary.
I tried to have a talk for that but they both treat me very indifferently. Also there is another person in my mom's life. I really don't know what to do.
Dear KS, alright, so This person that you love, (does he love you too?), has he also made any mistakes in the relationship, or do you plan only on punishing yourself for it?
Does he also intend to change aspects about himself for you or will it only from your side?
How exactly do you know that he is satisfied?
What will happen if he doesn’t tell you what you want to hear?
Isn’t it funny, how you are trying to turn your world upside down for a person who may not be seriously committed to you?
Also, when you say that your parents control your salary, how exactly do you mean? Are they worried about you or how you might spend the money?
It is time for you to evaluate what exactly what you want from life and how we want to create it.
All the best!
PC: I'm a 31 year old male who has been looking for a matrimonial match since start of mid 2019. Have talked to many girls and nothing has materialised till now. However, I was still hopeful to find someone until this December 2021. I was talking to a girl since October and met her in December. I really liked her and was starting to get some feelings for her. She seemed like the perfect match to me from every aspect. But after couple of meeting, she decided not to proceed further. I have been trying really hard to move over but unable to since it seems like I won't be able to find anyone as perfect as her.
What is further adding to the hopelessness is that I am not able to forgive my mom and sister for not giving me the right amount of space before meeting her. Just one week before meeting her, we had shifted to our own house and lot of my energy was spent in the interior work. I wanted to relax and rejuvenate for one week before I meet her but was laden with avoidable housework. I feel like I would have still been fine with the rejection if I had felt my 100% while meeting her but now I'm filled with regret of how things might have been different if I would have got that one week of relaxation. I feel like I'm stuck in a prison at home where I just don't feel like talking to them but their face is a constant reminder of that instance.
Dear PC, oh, so the girl rejecting you is because you weren’t relaxed and rejuvenated and that your mother and sister are responsible for that?
Obviously, I am sure you had a choice even on the day of meeting her in order to postpone the meeting with a polite reason conveyed.
How do you know that you were not your 100%? Just because you were rejected? Could it not be that she had a genuine reason to not want to proceed?
Externalising your disappointment and blaming others for it, isn’t a sign of healthy emotional maturity.
You do know that your mother and sister are not your enemies and surely have your best interests in mind. Rather than focusing on what they should have done, can you focus on what you can do next?
Crying over the past, isn’t going to change it but looking at what you can do at this very moment may help you be in a better mind space to meet your life partner.
Best wishes to you!
L: I came across while casually going through the news feed on my phone. I am 43 years old married for 20+ years and have an adult kid and a teenager (both boys).
My problem is that me and my husband have been arguing tooooo much nowadays on his alcohol issue. Even though he is not a daily drinker or excessive one, per his doctor's advise he should not be drinking.
He tends to make promises which he never keeps regarding the same issue.
Ours was an arranged marriage and we had our 1st kid on our 1st anniversary and 2nd kids 4 years later.
Now even the elder son has started to question his dad about not keeping promises to which my husband says that as a son he doesn't need to tell him how a father has to live and what he has to do.
Now my kids have lost trust on their father and I have lost trust on him long back.
I have come to a point where I am in the relationship only for the kids as I am unemployed and cannot take care of the kids only own with financial support from him.
I have confronted him multiple times to stop drinking or seek medical help if need to stop, but he is adamant that he will not stop.
I am now worried if the father son's relationship will get into a turmoil cos I don't want my boys to grow up with out a father.
I am at a crossroad as to how to continue with life from here on.
It would be helpful and kind of you if u can suggest me something to help convince my husband to abandon alcohol and save the family's peace and happiness.
Dear L, I can only imagine what this must be for you. But don’t lose heart. Is there any reason that pushed him to taking to drinking?
Alcohol can make a person who he/she isn’t. What is said and what is to be done, can be forgotten with consistent drinking and the effects it has on the body and mind.
If he is drinking despite doctor’s warnings and it has begun to erode your relationships, either ask an elderly family member to talk to him (preferably a male member) or please seek professional help.
Whatever it is, at home, none of the members must taunt him or nag him or repeatedly talk about his mistakes or his lack of commitment.
This will only push him further away and back into his easy stress buster which is alcohol. Be patient and loving and keep your mind focused on his healing and coming back into the family as a changed person.
Wishing you the best!
AK: Hello Mam, I have been relationship in past 2 1/2 years. I saw her in my first matches and she didn’t show interest in me.
Later she got in touch with me and we got into a relationship.
Due to lockdown we couldn’t meet. Whenever I ask her to meet up she used to tell me NO.
We met only 4 times in 2 years.
And I’m only looking her all daily needs and expenses.
She is ready to meet her friends but for me she will tell it’s not possible because of parents and other circumstances.
Sometimes I feel she is using me. I’m confused. What decision should I make? I told her many times 'let’s move on.'
After a couple of days I will only call her to talk but she never says let’s move on.
Please suggest what I should do.
Dear AK, maybe she has moved on and at the time when she liked you, you happened to be a mere distraction.
How do you know that you are in a relationship with her? Have the two of you talked about it?
If not, please request for a meeting and simply and kindly ask her where does she see this relationship going in the next 2 years?
That will give you an idea as to why she is avoiding meeting you and seems to find time to meet other people.
If she refuses this meeting as well which is important for both your futures, I think you have your answer and there is nothing more to clarify. Time for you to move on…
All the best!
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Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.
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