Do You Also Feel Lonely In A Crowd?

One has to accept the reality that to exist in society one can't live like an island, observes Aarti David.

Do you find yourself socially awkward and lonely in a room filled with people?

The people in the room may not necessarily be strangers. It could be a large group of friends, family, colleagues, or acquaintances.

I often felt like this, right through childhood and continue to feel so in my adult years too. Perhaps being an introvert only added to my misery in such situations and I found myself feeling trapped with no room to escape.

As a child, I would slip into a quiet corner, grab a book and get lost in the world of words, whenever I got the chance to do so. Words would wrap me up in their embrace and provide much needed solace.

But as an adult, one cannot hide away in any corners. Being an adult is all about taking responsibility for our actions and setting an example, isn't it?

Which is fine till the point that you find yourself drifting into uncomfortable silences where you are unable to contribute much to the conversation.

And start to wish that you could simply disappear and be transported to another time and place, like in the sci-fi movies.

The hosts need to take care of all their invitees and cannot be there to chat you up through the evening.

You may find that you have a rapport with many at an individual level, but in a group dynamic that connection may seem to be missing.

Most people who know me are surprised to know that I'm an introvert, as they feel I'm extremely social.

It's not that I'm anti-social or anti-people. I'm just not a party person, I guess.

I'm also not a killjoy. I like people having fun, I just don't see myself doing what they can so daringly do.

I may enjoy the music, the food, and the ambience, but I feel extremely awkward expressing myself freely amid a large group of people.

A senior leader once mocked me for not being a fun person because I didn't agree with their version of a party person.

In their book being a social drinker and consuming certain foods was a prerequisite to fit in. While they had a good laugh at my expense, it only led me to further alienate myself from the crowd.

I would just wait till it was a decent time for me to make a quiet exit from the gathering.

Is it necessary for everyone to react similarly and have the same level of adrenalin rush at a given point in time?

Everyone's idea of a good time can be different and yet they can be accepting of an alternate view.

Trust me, I have nothing against those who like to shake a leg or two and make it a night to remember.

I'm just not one who can join in with others watching. The fact that I have two left feet doesn't help either.

I also feel that it should be a personal choice to participate or not. No one should be compelled to join in and feel pressured to perform. So much so that they get uncomfortable and feel awkward and singled out.

Many times, those who think they are being nice to us by forcing us to participate don't realize that they are doing more harm than good. I have often found myself being so miserable that I have been almost reduced to tears.

It's inexplicable why I felt so ill at ease and completely out of place.

To add to this, there is the whole issue of keeping up appearances and everyone has to dress such, that they fit in. Most people wouldn't be caught dead repeating their outfits from one social gathering to the next. This is another reason why I feel like a complete misfit as I don't follow trends and/or dress accordingly.

All people do nowadays is get together, click lots of pictures and post on social media. It's become a circus.

Some of you may think I'm simply whining and/or wallowing in self-pity. After all, I would always have the choice of not going.

That may not always be true though. One may have to go for a family/social commitment and only hope that you can make it through the evening without having to deal with any anxiety or untoward incidents.

Many a time I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this. Is there a problem with me? Does this make me an oddball?

Because, when I look around me, I find the others having such a good time. Engaging in the festivities or activities with gay abandon and there I am trying to stay out of sight as much as possible.

One has to accept the reality, that to exist in society one can't live, like an island. And I do understand that people need people and special occasions call for people to come together and celebrate. Yet, I think it's so important to be on the same wavelength to be able to have a good time.

In addition, every individual doesn't need to act the same way as the rest to show their solidarity. You may think that these are the ramblings of an idle mind.

Someone who has nothing better to do than to complain. But these thoughts were plaguing me and I needed to get them out of my system. And what better way than to share them with someone who might read and resonate with them?

Do you agree?

You can read Aarti David's earlier columns here.

Feature Presentation: Ashish Narsale/Rediff.com