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The not-cricket news

The Year 2000 World Cup, co-sponsored by the private mint of leading businessfan Ramesh Auctionblock, and Under the Table Dealings, Inc., a publicly held investment mistrust, has been scheduled, according to their spokesmen.

The tournament will begin in Toronto this fall, and end in Sharjah the following spring, providing the the full range of exciting new investing and sporting opportunities. And, if these spokesmen are to be believed, new introductions in this edition's format will challenge your match-fixing wits as never before.

From among top new entries this year, your tireless columnist has picked out the three most challenging ones, one for each genuine spot on the teams. Try your skills at answering these, and check back to see how you've done once the tournament has ended. Good luck, and plenty of deceit to you!

(3) Who will be the new director of cricket's International Department for Investigations and Oversight of Transparency, popularly known to fans as the IDIOT Council?

(2) Which fashion designer company is secretly sponsoring the award for the top underperformer, the newly instituted title of Emperor with his New Clothes?

(1) Which city with highly unpredictable weather - Cherapunji or Sharjah - will be the new home the International Crooks Council's Meteorological Division?

In other news,
(*) In order to lighten the travel load on its detectives, Interpol is considering entering a team for the World Cup, we are told. Chief Officer Pettie Cashiere was reported in the Auctionblock family newsletter as saying he was optimistic that this new policy would unburden investigators from the staggering load of their briefcases.

(*) A thorough investigation has cleared all cricketers past and present of their wrongdoings, according to a press release from England.

(*) An in-camera investigation of Shane Warne and Mark Waugh's conduct as forecasters has been called for by Bombay's leading meteorologists. Erroenous forecasts from these gentleman may have resulted in millions of solemn and unspoken contracts being invalidated, resulting in grievous injuries, the forecasters claim. The union for the weather guys is also incensed at the ridiculously low prices charged by the Aussie interlopers, which has sharply dampened the going rate for their own wares.

(*) The Forgotten Heroes Publications Company is planning a reprint of Emile Zola's J'Accuse. The movie rights to this exciting story are also under the table, reportedly. Among leading contenders for the top role are Christopher Lewis and Rashid Latif. Manoj Prabhakar was also reportedly interested, but has since withdrawn.

and finally,
Rumor has it that a leading sponsor of the international ratings programme is considering withdrawing from its sponsorship of the game. Not to worry however, a new organization has come forward to take up this cherished tradition. Henceforth, the international awards to recognize the top players will be known as the International (pi)Ratings Inc. awards.

It's not cricket, you say?

Ashwin Mahesh