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The culture of corruption

Weclome to the latest edition of the Not-Cricket news. Our diligent correspondents have learned that an intemperate Pakistani official has blurted out that there is a culture of corruption in cricket in India. Officials in the land of ancient purity and dharma are understandably astounded by this accusation; many are very angry. Nevertheless, they are vowing a dignified response to this charge and have implemented a number of schemes to assure the cricketing world that all is well with Indian cricket.

Specifically,

• An exhaustive cleaning of the Ganga is underway, and will be completed shortly. Once the corpses, chemicals, and missing persons have been removed, the famed stream will once again be fit for officials to take a dip and cleanse themselves of any and all past sins. A two-minute limit on such dips is proposed, so that all guilty persons can have the opportunity to avail of this benefit. Large crowds are expected, guard your personal belongings carefully.

• An ex-justice of the Supreme Court will be appointed to look into these allegations and write a detailed report for the Board of Control for Cricket in India. To avoid even the smallest suggestion of wrongdoing in this round, the board has written to various nations asking if they have an independent Supreme Court, and if any judges on said courts are men/women of character.

• Prime Minster Vajpayee is considering firing the sports minister and his minister of state, and replacing them with more vigorous persons. However, there is considerable caution amongst government circles at this move; apparently this is certain to be construed as an anti-minority crusade on the part of the ruling party. To checkmate this, however, the party is considering the appointment of Bishen Singh Bedi and Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi in their stead. Opposition members have dismissed this move as mere posturing, calling it a Sikh for a Sikh and a Muslim for a Muslim.

In a startling development, partisan outfits in the Indian subcontinent and elsewhere have established a separate Asian Cricket Confederacy, and are threatening to secede from the union. This news comes amidst charges of racism amongst cricket-playing nations with largely white populations, and of crookendess in the rest of the forecasting world. A vigorous debate on the merits of this new scheme is to be held at a luncheon in Madagascar, which will become Test cricket's newest entrant very soon, we are told. Jagmohan Dalmiya is the keynote speaker, dictation is available. Pakistan, meanwhile, is reportedly objecting to the use of the words "Indian subcontinent" to describe the Indian subcontinent.

Meanwhile, the errand-boy position recently vacant at the BCCI has been filled. The review committee thanks all seventeen thousand applicants, including the lone non-BCCI member. Secretary Lele was all smiles, beaming at the apparent willingness of selfless members to serve in this voluntary position. He spoke at a grand premiere to the latest blockbuster starring prominent BCCI figureheads, the audio-free version of a popular Hollywood film. The Silence of the Wolves is playing at a stadium near you; although admission is complimentary, a gratuity is suggested.

In other news, South Africa lost ten wickets for 62 runs in their latest on-field encounter, prompting at least a few raised eyebrows. Captain Pollock was earlier reported as being confident that the run of success established under Captain Rand will continue. South African sports minister Ngconde Balfour called the team on his cellphone to wish them well on their newest encounter. He also announced the appointment of a Queen Commission to determine if the King Commission report should be made public. Live Africa is threatening to sue once again.

That's our update from the cricketing world at this time, listeners, stay tuned and we'll bring you the news as it breaks. You can also watch the news on our constantly updated website [www.scandals.cricket.in]. This edition of the Not-Cricket news has been jointly brought to you commercial-free by the Asian Cricket Confederacy and the Hawala Chawla Corporation. Let the good times roll the dice.

Ashwin Mahesh