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Selectiongate!

(Editor's note: Humour is, increasingly, on the endangered list. More so where Indian cricket and its reporting is concerned.

Fortunately, it is not entirely moribund. Yet.

What follows, is the imaginary transcript of an imaginary tape-recording made during the very real selection committee meeting prior to the team's departure for Australia. There is a dominant voice, that talks all the time. And four voices that agree all the time. And a thin, reedy voice that keeps trying to get its two bits in, only to be ridden roughshod over. It is up to the reader to figure which voice belongs to who.

T'was the day before Christmas...

No I'm lying -- 'twas the day before the announcement of the Indian team for the tour of Australia. An evening of high tea. Seven men sitting in the august chamber. Exchanging notes. (And favours.) As always, the captain and coach have little say in the matter. A hidden microphone -- hidden so well it's taken us this long to find it and access the tape -- reveals how little. Presented below are the transcripts of the goings-on on that fateful night. (The names have been withheld for fear of being sued to the tune of millions of rupees.)

The transcipt:

First voice: "So then it's decided.

Other voices:

Yes it's decided.

Yes it's decided.

Yes it's decided.

But...

First voice: Good, so we all agree.

I would like to...

First voice: Yes, yes, you can. Just as soon as we all agree on the team.

Yes, b...

First Voice: Good, so you too are in agreement. Let's all drink to that. A toast!

Yes, a toast.

Yes a toast.

Yes a toast.

Yes a toast.

To team y2k!

To y2k compliance.

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

First voice: Good, now that we have decided what the team is going to be, let's decide how each selection can be justified. After all, we need to find a very good reason for having each member on this team. It's a very important series and we need to make sure everyone who's there deserves to be there. Like the opening batsmen. Yes, you're absolutely right. Your point of view is very valid. And I'll get to it just as soon as you agree with me.

Yes b...

First voice: I'm glad you agree with me. Makes things easy. Almost easy as choosing the opening batsmen. We need a fair representation and so it shall be one from one from Tamil Nadu - thanks for the idlis Mr. M - and one from my sev and ghantia supplier's state of Gujarat. Good, that takes care of the important task of picking the batsmen capable enough of facing McGrath and company.

Next, we come to Azhar. I'm glad every one of us agrees he's the best fielder we have. One of the top three batsman in the country. Is perhaps, the fittest man in the side. And has played more games than half the team put together. So it's as clear as daylight that he shouldn't be in the side. Sure, all that might give him an automatic place in most other sides. But not ours. The Indian team is not that easy to get into. It's overflowing with talent. And Azhar's going to have to fight very hard to get back in. He's going to have to prove to us that he's better than a Laxman. Or a Jadeja. Or a Jacob Martin. Or Hrishibeta. Or Tom! (Part of the famous trio of Tom, Dick and Harry.)

All of them must be given a chance. And another chance. And another chance. And another chance. On dead Indian wickets. Especially, Tom - considering the way we treated that Harry. Or was it some Dick - quite frankly, with so many players to choose from (read, favours to be exchanged), I'm pretty sure Azhar won't be missed. So let's go the whole hog. Not only will we pick a rookie batsman from Azhar's state, we'll also fill Azhar's slot in the batting order with a batsman who's got lots and lots of experience in one-day cricket. So what if Test cricket's a different ball game altogether. It's the same thing. Jaddu or Kanitkar or Jacob or Dick will be more than good enough to make up for Azhar's absence. And anyway, my wife likes Jaddu much more than Azhar. She keeps saying he has a very lovely smile. And very nice eyes. And such a good view from behind. If you know what I mean. (wink!) His name has to be there. And if Paaji is also proposing his name, aren't you Paaji? See. So Paaji too agrees Jaddu's got to be there in place of Azhar.

I neve...

First voice: Yes, I know you never had any doubt we would pick the best team. I'm glad you have complete faith in us. And as back-up we will choose between Hrishi and Jacob. 'Heads' for Hrishi and 'tails' for Hrishi. Agreed? Good, then Hrishi is Jaddu's back up. He's young and he will learn. What will Azhar learn? He knows everything. We need somebody who knows nothing. And Hrishi is perfect. I'm glad we are arriving at all these important decisions collectively.

Give and take is the way to be. You give in. I take.

So then it's decided. That makes three plus you, captainbeta. I'm so glad you are part of the process. And are playing such an active role in choosing this team. You must. After all, you are going to be taking the team. You are going to have to lead them on the field. You are going to have to make them perform. Naturally, you deserve to have the team you desire. So we'll give you Nayan instead of Samir. And to even things up a bit, we'll throw in Ajit. That way, everyone is happy. Hail all!

The great détente has been achieved in board-captain-manager relations. This is a great day for Indian cricket. A time for celebrations. Hey friend, why don't you open that ahem --bottle of maska --err, whiska, I mean whisky, you got for me. Let us all partake of some holy water. Come, come all of you need this. You have been talking very much. Time to rest your vocal chords. You gentlemen really must learn to talk less and listen more. Like me. Bring forth the spirits! (Clap! Clap!)

The conversations and sounds that followed cannot be reproduced for reasons best left unexplained. We cut to two hours later.

Hmm, that was good. Wasn't that good?

Yes, burp, that was good.

Yes, burp, that was good,

Yes, burp, that was good,

Yes, burp, burp! indeed, that was good.

I must..

Yes, yes, we must not dally any longer. Let us decide on the rest of the team members that we have already decided upon. So who's turn is it for a favour?

Yes, yes, we must get our favours.

Yes, yes, we must get our favours.

Yes, yes, we must get our favours.

Yes, yes, we must get our favours.

Will someone...

Ok, ok, we'll do you a favour. We'll give you what you want. Though, I still think they've both got to improve in various departments of the game. But, knowing your obstinate temperament, we have no choice but to give you what you want. So, you can have both, Dravid and Ganguly. But let it be known that I said Dravid still has a lot to learn about batting in one-day matches. And Ganguly about fielding. Just let me drop them both. And see how much their game will improve. Remember how I dropped Dravid and helped him improve his one-day game. Believe me, I can work the same miracles for Ganguly. If only you'll let me. But no, you are like an adamant child. And it is this attitude of yours that is not helping me improve Ganguly's play by dropping him from the side. The way I did for Rahul. But what to do? You are like this only. And always want your way. Fine, take Ganguly and Dravid. Mark my words you'll lose 3-0 and come back. And if you don't, I never said it. Anyway, even if I said it, I never said it.

Someone tell hi...

Did I miss someone? Oh yes, the bowlers. What is there to choose. I mean, why do we forget this is the land of spinners. How can we even think of changing that? Thus, we must only play on dead wickets. And call them sporting wickets. Our domestic scores must be nice and healthy. Our bowlers must be made to toil and break their backs. Only then will they learn to bowl line and length. Nothing about the way our pitches are is wrong. Look how easy it is for us to choose our bowlers. We always take Kumble. Because he's so good on spinning wickets. And I know how much wickets in Australia favour Kumble's pace. The pitches can't be bad if it makes our star spinner unplayable. And so what if we get good new ball bowlers once in a blue moon. The fault lies in our new ball bowlers. They are like delicate darlings. Tell me gentlemen, are the pitches bad?

Yes, yes the pitches are bad.

Yes, yes the pitches are bad.

Yes, yes the pitches are bad.

Yes, yes the pitches are bad.

No, no, you're supposed to say, "Yes, yes the pitches aren't bad."

Oh -- yes, yes the pitches aren't bad.

Oh -- yes, yes the pitches aren't bad.

Oh -- yes, yes the pitches aren't bad.

Oh -- yes, yes the pitches aren't bad.

See, even they agree that the pitches aren't bad.

So then it's decided. The pitches aren't bad and that we have seven more to go. Maybe eight more. Maybe nine more. Maybe -- no, no, we must stop with a 16 member team. At least for now. And add another member later. An extra keeper. I know you've asked for one now. So we'll have him sent later. And his wife. And his kids. And his grandparents. And his cousins. All on the board's expense. And since we already know he's not the man you want, we'll keep the return ticket ready. So they can all come back since you don't want them around. That way, they'll all have flown to Australia and come back. Just like that. And the team management there will get a bad name. Makes sense. Doesn't it? -- I'm glad we all agree.

My view is...

Precisely my view too. I know the fielding is untidy. And we need to improve it. I'll tell you what, let's get you a specialist. And then change him after three months. After which, you can manage without one for another six months. So we can arrange for a stop-gap for another two months. This way, the fielding will definitely improve. It's good that Paaji, you and us are so concerned about the fielding. It is high time we took some concrete steps to make it world class. I think a series of quick-fixes is the answer to all our fielding problems. Good, so I've solved all our fielding problems. Now let's move on to the other seven members. For which we'll use the old 'Hat Method.' Ok boys. Come along put in your names from your respective zones. The law of probability will decide which zone gets how many. Yes, I know that sounds very fair. But hey, that's me. Mr. Fairness. I'll pass the hat around. Yes, yes, put in that name. You must! His dad's been good to you. Never forget the people who've done you favours so easily. Or else, I won't do you any. All names and favours in? Fine, let's do the honours. Paaji, would you care to? Well ok, since you insist that I do the honours, I'll humbly accede to your wishes. Here goes, one, two, three, four, five, six. That makes sixteen members. And the job's done. Till we decide to add to the team mid-tour. (Anyway, we already know who we want to send.)

So then it's decided. That we make a wonderful team. We are efficient. And easily the most sincere, impartial and visionary committee in the glorious history of Indian cricket. The only one to have put together a team that's truly y2k compliant. Do we agree? Thank you. Gentlemen, thanks to us, Indian cricket is finally on the right track.

I'd like..

Yes, I'm glad you like the breath of fresh air that has swept through the corridors of this august chamber.

To...

Yes, yes, how thoughtful of you. A toast!

Yes, a toast.

Yes, a toast.

Yes, a toast.

Yes, a toast.

To team y2k!

To y2k compliance.

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

Yes, yes to y2k compliance!

"Gag them."

Footsteps recede into the distance. Sounds of men laughing. Suddenly, two men, one with a slightly thinner voice, shouting in frustration : Yeh nahi hai right choice baby! Hmph!

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