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E-cards from the Edge

Without doubt, 0-2 is the second worst way of beginning a new century in a new millennium in a foreign country. (The worst, of course, is starting off 0-3, but fortunately the Indian Cricket Board had shown some foresight in scheduling the tour.) Nevertheless, Sachin and the "kids" have received tonnes of encouraging new year messages from fans, fools and fanatics wishing them all the very best in Sydney. Krishna Prasad intercepts some greeting cards they haven't received:

Dear Devang-bhai: Thank you for launching the Gandhian movement in Indian cricket. Like the Mahatma, you believe that if a slipfielder catches you to his right in the first innings, he is fully entitled to catch you to his left in the second. May the blood of Mohandas-bhai flow in your veins with even greater force in the 131st year of his birth. Sincerely, Hares-bhai. Rajkot P.S: Did you hear that "Wall's" ice-cream won't be launched in your adopted-city because Hindustan Lever is concerned the brandname will be massacred by those who call you "Debang".

Thiru Ramesh Saar! I didn't understand what Ian Chappell meant by "Laden-footed" whenever you were batting or fielding. The only Laden I know is Osama bin Laden. Does he also play cricket? Must be, because in Melbourne, I thought you had joined the Lashkar-e-Toiba with your three coats of sunscreen in freezing weather. May the sun shine on you ever more in the new century. You must be in great pain after the injury. So let me end with the latest kadi joke. Did you know that the younger brother of a "bee" is thambi? Shanmugam Sundaram Kovai

Yo! Rahul!! Has the 'Y2 ke bug' bitten you Down Under or what? Maan, it's one thing to click when every body else in the team fails, but quite another to fail when everybody else also fails. I mean, did you have to choose this of all tours to prove that we are a gone-case side if the No. 3 batsman doesn't stick around like jam. Boss, we know you have only two hands, but kindly adjust. Quickly. And, remember, the objective of batting is to score runs. If not, there would be no need for scoreboards. Yours, Gopalakrishnan "Gops" Balakrishnan Bay Area

Dear Sachin If Azzu was our luckiest captain ever, surely you must be the unluckiest? Like, there must be some rational reason why the same team performs better under Dada and Jaddu. Richie Benaud says captaincy is 90 per cent luck and 10 per cent ability, but there's no use having the first if you don't have the second. Then again, Ian Chappell says the harder you work, the luckier you will get. Maybe in the new century, you should try the suggestions of both. Affectionately, Wasim P S: Don't forget to say "no mention" to Sunny-bhai who said Australia won the first Test "thanks' to some inept captaincy". P P S: With another Mumbai-kar in the one-day side, isn't it time you established diplomatic relations with the rest of India?

Maharaj! They used to say of the former England all-rounder Chris Old that he had cited every medical reason known to man except the monthly periods to escape fielding. Likewise, daadah, you must keep a diary of all the reasons you come up with in the new millennium to return to the pavilion while fielding and keep the 12th man busy. Yours, Soumitra

Dear Venkat Sai Like your namesake who resides at Puttaparthi, it's a miracle if you can face more than two overs at more than 150 kmph. It's when batsmen like you, with your kind of record in domestic cricket, fail that I am convinced that we should have a new playing XI for each Test match in the new year. At least that might confuse the opposition. Warm regards, Preeti

Dear Hrishi Hemant's son played for India, Vasu's son played for India, when will Sunil's? Bowl, baby, bowl. Mohinder Patiala

Dear Vijay If you were a product, I could have sued you for deficiency of service. If you were a computer, I could have sought an upgrade. If you were a political party, I could have filed a no-confidence motion. If you were an industry, the Sensex would have plummetted. Unfortunately, you are a cricketer. Sincerely, Kavitha P S: I believe you had problems with the food. But didn't Jav tell you that Rama Nayak's is the only Udupi restaurant in the world which has a branch in Matunga -- and Melbourne?

Mega-star Mannava Would your injury have healed so quickly if Sameer, not Nayan, had landed before the Adelaide Test? A Irani

Dear Ajit Maybe this is why they call cricket a game of glorious uncertainities. A fitness-suspect bowler keeps out an in-form bowler because he batted well in a first-class game, and then bowls well but scores a king-pair in a Test and displaces the same in-form bowler from the one-day side. Love, Prerna P S: Is it true you've decided to title your autobiography, Mr All-rounder, how close are you to the captain?

Dear Sri While you were out batting, Jyotsna called. She's still holding. Rahul.

Dear Jumbo Good thing you're in charge of the digital camera. As an engineer, and more so as the side's No 1 non-strike bowler, only you know the value of '0' and '1' . While on the subject, since Indian products like the basmati and neem are being patented by American companies, shouldn't the cricket team move fast and seek a patent for the digit '0'? That way anybody who uses zero (and who doesn't) will have to pay a royalty to the BCCI. And, boy, won't Jaggu Dada be happy? Love, Chetana

Venky Boy Superb batting da. And superb bowling. All you need to do in the new century is develop a faster one. Yours, Xerxes

Debashish Mohanty Where are you hiding and what are you hiding? Mother anxious. Super-cyclone in state. New chief minister. New PCC chief. Please call. Yours, Sampad P S: If you were injured, how did the "team management" not want a replacement for you?

Dear Baijju Kya chucker hai? Fred Litmus.

Thiru Thru Kumaran Because you did well in the one-dayers, they picked you for the Test side. Because you didn't play any of the Tests, they dropped you from the one-day side! That's how Indian cricket meets the quota requirements as per the recommendations of the Mandal Commission. Kumaran goes, Robin returns. Bharadwaj goes, Joshi returns. Cheers, Ganesh P S: Kalaignar is reportedly planning to drop all the court cases against Puratchi Thalaivi. Apparently, he feels that since all the crimes were committed in Madras which no longer exists, there is no case against Dr (Selvi) J Jayalalitha.

Krishna Prasad