US-Pak: Wedded deadlock

Want to eavesdrop on a spousal conversation and thank God that you aren't in an abusive relationship like this one? Read on.

Husband: Just what do you mean when you say that I can't have access to the garage anymore? I thought we had decided that my car would be in the garage and yours in the driveway.

Wife: You cannot have access to my Shamsi garage anymore. You drive out from that garage and (drone) attack my interests. I allowed you use of that garage because I thought it would help me, you would run my errands. 'That' isn't happening. Now, not only are you working against the children, Omar and Hakims, you are even causing damage to cousin LIBYAna.

Husband: Oh please! Omar and Hakim have gone wayward thanks to you.

Wife: Just because Omar is one eyed and Hakim won't do your bidding now, they should be done away with? Where should I send them or hide them? Who knows when you might need them again! I will continue to protect them from your current abnormal abusive behaviour.

Husband: They aren't my children, they are yours. You are welcome to them, but wait till they turn against you, then you will know.

Wife: And who said they would turn against me? I bet it is that neighbour INDIArama who is filling your ears with all this nonsense about my boys. They are doing social service, nothing more.

Husband: Yeah sure! Social service, hah!

Wife: Don't think I haven't noticed that you are cavorting quite openly with this neighbour of ours. So long as it was just 123 steps, it was fine, now you are going about replacing me with her. It is difficult for me to show my face in this neighbourhood. As it is she has a larger house, more garages, cars and well, people like her more.

Husband: Nonsense. I have nothing to do with that noisy neighbour, INDIArama. I only tolerate her because it suits my purpose these days. She owns a number of shops and I can sell the goods from factories there. Also, she has so many out of work relatives who work for cheap wages in my factory.

Wife: Well, that is so typical of you isn't it? Using people and then discarding them? This is why our marriage has broken down, because you are only into short-term relationships.

Husband: So you are into long term ones are you? I notice you are getting very close to the Chinese pizza delivery boy. You don't seem to need those pizzas, but he is here every day.

Wife: He is also cleaning my pool. You know the one that opens out into the sea at the back.

Husband: Ha, I thought as much he wants access to the sea. Before you know, he will be building a road from his house to the sea via this driveway.

Wife: So I will let him do that. If you won't do it, I'll get the Chinese guy to do it.

Husband: Why can't you do something on your own for a change?

Wife: Who lets me do my own stuff? Nobody allows me to. They think I will get Khan chacha to help me, just because once I let him sell some stuff to the North Koreans. So now I have learnt how to get people to do what I want by cajoling, begging and threatening. One of these methods always works.

And don't worry; the Chinese guy comes home only when your parents aren't visiting. And will you please tell your mom that those pant suits do little to her sex appeal.

Husband: My mom is fine as she is, thank you. She doesn't need advice from you. Now let's get this straight I will continue to use this garage because I need to move those cars of mine at short notice, I can't use the neighbour's garage.

In turn, I promise to do some of your chores and will buy you a new car. I won't hassle Omar, so long as you keep him away from my sight. Tell Hakim not to play with crackers near the garage.

Wife: Fine, but you are sleeping on the couch for the next few months, till I see some change in your behaviour. Kyon nahi, Mama will keep an eye on you to see if you are misusing the garage.

Husband: Who needs your couch, I am staying at the Intercontinental, our neighbour Karzai says it is safe as Fort Knox.

Wife: Whatever!