When Life Changes After A Partner Dies

We joke about our spouses all the time. Nobody jokes about the day the joking partner is gone, and the whole house turns very quiet, observes Binu Alex.

Believe it or not, we have reached that age.

Many of us have already lost our parents. The next step is the one nobody wants to talk about.

We make jokes about wives. Wives make jokes about husbands. Every WhatsApp group has a forward about it.

But look closely. We keep each other in check. She tells him to take his tablets. He tells her to stop worrying about the neighbour's son.

Remove one and the other is lost. Nobody tells you what to do next. Even the role you played for forty years is gone.

Of course, there is a grieving period. Some people come out of it slowly. Some don't.

If the death was sudden, it is harder. The mind refuses to accept it. Everything goes numb.

After all, death is the one truth we all know. We still argue with it.

Hobbies get dropped. Friends stop calling because the person stops picking up. The evening is spent sitting.

The worst hours are the ordinary ones. Meal times. Evenings. Waking up. Travel. Sharing small gossip with no one.

Some people remarry. I know a few, in my circle and in the family, who did it within a year.

Psychologists say the people from happy, secure marriages often move on fastest. They liked being married. So they want it again.

That is not true for everyone. Those who rush in before they are ready often regret it.

The past does not go anywhere. You can't rub it out like a pencil mark.

Why Remarriage Is Still Taboo

One women who remarried told me something else. She was fine on health and money. So why, she asked, sign up to nurse someone new at this age?

Then there are the children. Yours and hers. Add the relatives. Everyone has an opinion and a tantrum.

In India, remarriage is still a bit of a taboo. Kerala or Gujarat, it doesn't matter much.

Here the marriage is not just two people. It is meant to last beyond one lifetime. It is treated as a spiritual bond.

Without anyone noticing, it also becomes a deal between two families. Legal, financial and social.

So where is the person in all this? Their own happiness gets very little room.

Christians in India follow much the same path. The West looks at it differently. There, marriage is mostly a civil matter. If it stops working, you end it and begin again. Nobody raises an eyebrow.

Among women, remarriage often depends on money. A woman with her own income rarely feels the need.

In the North, many widows stay unmarried to protect the family's honour. In the South, you see that less.

Times are changing, though. There are now matrimonial sites only for second marriages. That would have shocked our grandmothers.

So, is living alone after losing a spouse a good idea?

I don't know. I haven't been there.

Solitude Is Not Loneliness

But I do know solitude and loneliness are not the same thing. Alone, you decide everything. Your routine, your money, what goes on the stove.

With a partner, you adjust. Two habits have to fit into one house.

Living alone is not a bad idea. But it works only if you have people around. Old friends, a group, some community, a hobby that gets you out of the chair.

Then the house is a place of peace. Otherwise it is just a big empty room.

There is no single answer. We are all made of feelings. No two are alike.

What matters is being honest with yourself. Choose because you are ready. Not because you are scared of being alone.

Lately I have been writing about retirement, death, health, the gym and all sorts. Some readers now message me. Please don't scare us, they say.

I don't mean to.

Nothing may happen. But don't let a sudden day catch you without a plan.

Plan a little, love a lot, and keep your friends close enough to knock on the door.

Feature Presentation: Aslam Hunani/Rediff