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Recent Columns

Jaye he! Beyond the Budget Sushma's swaraj Tears for fears No, Mr Prime Minister

10,00,000 sperms, and these XI?!

The optimist would say things could be worse than this, while a pessimist would fear that yes, things would indeed get worse than this.

Uncalled for levity at a moment that should perhaps rate as one of national disgrace? Personally, I think the best way to overcome tragedy is by inducing some levity into the occasion. This entire Indian team, barring one, is full of no-hopers, and should be dumped into the Bay of Bengal -- that is, if the greens don't protest about marine pollution.

Much has been written about the 11 talented individuals in the side, about the regional quota in selection that has brought this crisis upon us, about how the outcome would have been different if only... That's right, but for 'if onlys and buts', the course of history as we know it would have been different. Probably the English would still be ruling us, if only... The fact is, things are not going to change in the cricketing establishment, the stakes are just too high for all those involved in keeping the game alive to allow even a whiff of reform -- so let's not waste each other's time in wishing for a different script.

A couple of years ago, the subcontinent was considered the Mecca of cricket. The numbers were here, boasted the men who decided the destiny of the game, and hence the potential for revenue. It is a business axiom that when you focus solely on revenue generation, it is a question of time before you lose your focus -- with the result that you end up shooting yourself in the foot.

Just as it has happened with the Board of Control for Cricket in India. Its coffers are bursting with moolah, but just look at the XI. All money-makers no doubt -- even the latest entrant to the final fourteen or fifteen is able to sign product endorsements and advertising campaigns -- but just the sight of McGrath and Warne at the bowler's runup is enough to hurry them back to the pavilion.

Sure, the crowds are all here. Over 100,000 aficionados watched the game live on Monday -- a working day -- as did millions others on the telly. We Indians probably show more passion towards this game than we do towards even those we love. And yet, for all our troubles, for all our passion, what we get is a spineless display that our gully cricketers would feel mortified by.

Truly, there is no greater agony than unrequited love.

Match after match we are exposed to a display that our Ranji trophy-ers would feel mortified by, yet how come there is not one among our team that doesn't stand up and say that he is ashamed of his own performance so much so -- for starters -- he won't claim the piddling match fees over the full five days. Heck, since this is a team that can last out only three days of play, why don't its members at least return the fees they earn for the last two days of non-play?

To do that, presupposes a certain amount of pride, ego, dignity -- all in woeful short supply in the Indian team.

Since they are unfit for five days of play, and also since this column is turning unintentionally serious, I propose we do the following with this XI:

• Given Indian expertise in biotech, the BCCI should contact the Centre for Cellular and Molecular Biology in Hyderabad and immediately clone Sachin Tendulkar 12 times. Twelve, since we can't entrust even the task of wheeling in the drinks trolley to any of the others.

• Redraw the XI's contract and put in a clause under which their remuneration is performance-based. Pack it with incentives for playing well, and also disincentives for playing badly. Thus, Sadagoppan Ramesh at the end of the first innings in Calcutta would have to expect doing shramdaan at Eden Gardens' toilets.

• Since it is more or less certain that Indians muck up the first innings and play better in the second innings, by which time it is too late to redeem the match, we should play the second innings first.

• Since Australians fare poorly against our zonal teams than they do against the national side, our Bombay XI should be the de facto Indian XI. And the Indian XI? Maybe become Lele's XI.

• Since the lions at home have been proved to be mice, take the XI on a tour of Gir forest to show them the difference. From upclose.

• Break the Aussie world record by playing against Bangladesh, West Indies, Zimbabwe in India in a 5-match series and promptly go on a return series.

• Since quite a few veterans of the game can still run rings around our youngsters, ring in the old. What better opener than Gavaskar, what better spinner than Bishen Bedi, what better pacer than Kapil Dev, what better middle order than Azhar...

• Since our men understand money best, break down the prizes on offer thus: man of 1st day 1st session et al; longest stay at the crease; most runs stopped by a fielder; least times fished outside the offstump etc.

Granted, none of the above may result in a turnaround in the team's fortunes, but as the optimist would say, since things could get worse why not at least try something different.

As an aside, a fleeting thought. Over the last few years, the sporting glory that India has earned has mostly, if not entirely, come from individual endeavours. A Viswanathan Anand, a Karnam Malleswari, a Gopichand, a Narayan Karthikeyan... Alongside look at our slide in team sports like cricket and hockey, just two in which we were at the top not too long ago. So can one conclude that maybe Indians are losing a feeling of cohesion, a sense of sticking together...?

Saisuresh Sivaswamy