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E-mail from readers the world over
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 11:57:04 -0800 It was a most despicable article I have ever read. Have you ever given a thought to millions of people yearning to have that one child? If you cannot enjoy the joys that the little ones provide, you must be a heartless person. Murali
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 13:55:32 -0600 Varsha Bhosle's article is one of the very best I have ever read, on the Net or off the Net. The aspect of Indian life that you talk about puzzled me no end, and continues to puzzle me even today, wherein the raison d'etre for every Indian couple's existence is to perpetuate their vansh. Way to go, Varsha. More power to likes of you and hopefully India will be a less populated and hopefully, better, place... some day ! Mohan Kompella
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 02:33:13 +0530 I think it is the worst article I have read in a *REALLY* long time. She is trying to address a serious issue -- without, I think, having the intellect to do so. And it shows. Also, her attempts at Wodehousian humor is far from anything that the master created. If one does not have the intellectual depth to discuss some issue -- one should completely desist from even attempting to so. Unfortunately, due to the high bandwidth that is available, everybody with an opinion feels obligated to express it. Ramakrishna
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 17:15:00 -0500 Unbelievable... a most humorous and biting commentary with no holds barred. Love it, make copies and fax/email/post to everyone you know, Indian or otherwise.
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 14:32:26 -0700 I'd noticed that Varsha Bhosle writes well. Today, I noticed that if she keeps off the fundamentalist crap, perhaps my computer wouldn't smell so much of puke. Nice interesting write-up, if you ignored the reference to "Blacks" (then why not call Asians and Hispanics the browns, yellows, and so forth?). Not to mention her assertion that the population explosion is restricted to these people. Bogus, of course. Buffy Struggles
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 16:08:58 -0500 I wonder what prompted Varsha to go on a tirade against parenthood. I think she should stick to attacking the pinkos and secularists and let someone else worry about parenting etc. Ven Hari
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 17:30:00 -0600 (CST) Children are the perfect ones in the world. It requires the constant coaching of their parents and teachers to make them dumb. When a child comes into this world, it comes as a blank slate. Computer malfunctions are the programmer's fault, not the computer's. As to where you get your statistics I do not know. However, they seem to be from the wrong source. A typical American (White) family has a LOT of children. The number of children a family can have is limited not by ethnic but by economic consideration. Anand
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 20:12:51 -0800 Dear Varsha, That is really a superb article. Anil Grover
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 20:05:18 -0800 (PST) Dear Rediff, Varsha B's column yesterday on parenthood is a very poignant reflection of an issue, something that should really be read by the newly-weds, to-be-weds, and the grandparents of today's India, staying in India and also outside India, especially the women who accompany their spouses into the foreign land, to try their level best to keep them and their progeny bound to their "Indian traditions and values". Below I have tried to, maybe not successfully though, to contain my reaction and my views towards this issue brought out in her column. I'd like to say that it has been a thought process I have been kind of waiting to hear/read from an Indian woman. (U'll have to pardon my inability to express my thoughts in the right flow and language though.) It could'nt have come from any better platform than Rediff and I am pleased and proud of this fact. I, as a male, fully agree with and second the views and arguments that she has brought out on the state of parenthood today in India -- the views and considerations of continuing one's name in the generations to come. I'm sure this would surely burden them with the reflective thoughts of blaming their 'graved' ancestors for their suffering. And, for that matter, what this article really made me think is how many women in today's India really think and weigh the conditions that VB has been poignant about. I, as a single male, living IN India, have really been looking at and pondering over this issue where the tradition of marriage and procreation leads to nothing more creative or productive but population explosion. There is a need to educate the previous generations and also today's male about rethinking their priorities, their needs, to consider their inability to outthink and pursue their parents, especially their moms -- who, so far, have been the driving forces behind today's overburdened Mother India -- to re consider the thought of parenthood and continuing one's generations till extinction. As I mentioned, I had really been looking forward to hearing these views from an Indian woman, and now that I find someone who has brought them out, I'd like to see how many of such rational women are there in present day India and, for that matter, anywhere in the world, who would consider giving natural motherhood, a second thought. And, for that matter, it is the educated woman who has to make a contribution to a man's and the society's state today. If she has this kind of outlook that VB has critically brought out, towards the present life pattern in the third world countries, and the growing competition that today's child will have to face in the times to come, I'm sure India has the chances of looking at a better future -- than with all the Laloos and Devis and 'watis trying to rule the roost. Today, she is the one to decide the need to be a mother, not just to have that momentary emotional satisfaction, and then give rise to a series of painful afflictions that leaves the parents and, more than that, the world around to bear the scars, but to consider the overall implications of this thing to do for the heck of it and then leave the world with whatever kind of progeny that is begotten. I am a very happy man having read this article and would really like to track what responses it brings out from the womenfolk who happen to read this. A point worth noting here is -- as the Rediff survey points out, the typical visitor to this site is the Indian male, one who is outside India (though the percentage of female visitors hasn't been disclosed, it would be very low in my opinion). So that would mean that this article, and other such poignant ones brought out might not be able to elicit the thought process from both the sexes that is very much required for today's India. It's been a long thought that I put down here, since it does make me wish that we need more women like VB in the country. Shrikant
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 18:26:34 -0800 Thanks to Varsha for another well written article. I would like to add some comments on the concept of 'selfishness' as applied to child rearing. Most of my friends who have children swear with religious fervour that they are devoted to their children and cannot think of life without them. When I gently prod them with the 'why?' question, the responses fall into a familiar pattern -- I wouldn't feel complete without them -- it is a joy watching these kids grow -- kids are terrific fun... well, looks like most of them had fun making the kids, and even more fun bringing them up... and the 'sacrifices' appear to be a rather small price to pay for all the fun. Our species could not have survived but for the fact that procreative activities are extremely pleasurable -- it is our good fortune that we are hardwired to find kids adorable and lovable. By yielding to these inner (self) needs and pleasures, the couples with kids are the ones who are in fact acting 'selfish' when compared to the few who choose not to. Keep those articles coming, Varsha.
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 18:30:21 -0600 (CST) I find Ms Varsha Bhosle's article on children in extremely bad taste. While the points the author makes are rational, the arguments she provides to support them are unthinking, cruel and baseless to say the least. Moreover, I am confused as to what the central question is in this article -- is it badly brought-up kids with doting parents, or the author's attitude towards teaching underprivileged children, or adoption, or the reasons and rationale behind the human desire to procreate or... what? True, adoption should be a possible and plausible solution for people who claim to love children. But the story she recounts about teaching her bai's son Marathi speaks more of her insensitivity and less of the nature/nurture dilemma. Perhaps it is a reflection of her teaching skills? I'm sorry if that was hitting below the belt. I am disturbed as the author seems to have a very flippant attitude towards adoption. How soon and how well would any of us learn anything if we had to spend our childhood just fighting to survive till the end of the day? Why westerners adopt "challenged" children from poorer parts of the world is anybody's guess and does not really concern us, beyond hoping that the child in question is happy and well-cared for. However, why adoption should be encouraged in a country like India, especially by those who already have a child of their own and have the economic means to support another, is a very serious question that concerns all Indians. As someone who has stayed in the "West" for sometime now, I would like to inform Ms Bhosle that procreating in order to see a little continuation of oneself is a human desire that transcends all geographical, ethnic and educational boundaries. I would also like to request her not to be presumptuous enough to call her bai's son "little moron" just because she is secure in the knowledge that the poor child in question will never have the opportunity to read her brilliant piece. We have, none of us, the right to put another human being down. Also, please bear in mind the powerful weapon you hold in your hand -- your pen. Please do not abuse its strength. You do not know, nor can you control, the impressionable minds you will be touching through this medium. Try for a little sensitivity, Ms Bhosle. Then, you will find that the world will be a fit enough place for a "little bit of you and a little bit of him". Aparna Lakkaraju
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 16:26:57 -0500 I am a regular reader of the Internet edition of your magazine. I am not as baffled by any of your specials as by Ms Varsha Bhosle's despising parenthood. She has every right to detest parenthood on a personal level. But, through her article, she has tried to preach her ideals (or whatever she prefers to call them) to prospective mothers, who may be vulnerable to such ill-conceived notions. Though Ms Bhosle has tried to sound humane about the effects of misgivings inherent to motherhood (according to her), but she has overlooked the fact that, in doing so, she only sounded artificial and inhuman or more appropriately, non-living. Ms Bhosle takes pride in the fact that her maternal instincts are not aroused when she holds a child in her arms and she exposes her aversion to smooching and the chatter of mothers regarding their child's progress and growth. I was only amused at first at these expressions from Ms Bhosle. And, later angered, which is why I am writing this to you. Ms Bhosle has raised a series of questions and I will answer them one by one: 1. Why do mothers allow their children to smooch and to be smooched? (She considers smooching despicable.) To obtain answer for this, one has to study the behaviour of animals in general towards their offspring, and the behaviour of offspring towards its parents and other animals in its society. Animals know about each other through smell and taste. It is common to see cattle licking each other. Through licking and nudging, they also express their affection and care for each other. They do not consider it despicable. In fact, when a deer gives birth, in spite of its being a herbivorous animal, it licks the blood and foetal secretions off its offspring. This serves to forge the understanding between the two. Man has retained this trait, only as a mere gesture of affection and love. A child in its earlier stages of development, is no more intelligent than an arboreal primate. It develops its senses by touching all the things that are in its vicinity, sometimes tasting and biting them. Man is a social animal. A mother, naturally, assumes the role of teaching a child to be social in its earlier phases of growth. That is the reason why all mothers universally tend to bring their children in contact with strangers and teach them how to interact with strangers. Very many of them are instinctively inclined to show their children that smooching is a way of expressing their love. Ms Bhosle is mistaken to take it for granted that the children hate this and so do the elders. If smooching is wrong, then a man and a female kissing and sucking each other's tongue is utterly despicable. 2. Why do mothers drool over their children's progress and growth and bore the likes of Ms Bhosle? As I have mentioned earlier, mothers are responsible for the growth and development of a child in its earlier stages of childhood. It is at that time that the child learns to be social. This chatter symptom, which is also universal, if observed without aversion, will indicate that it is a way of mothers to get acceptance and recognition for their children from society. Also, it allows the mother to prove herself to the society that she is a better mother, which is what she is naturally destined for. The same symptom can also be seen in fathers who boast of their sons or daughters. This should not be classified as wasteful chatter. Even, a chimpanzee is intelligent enough to teach its offspring certain skills, rarely seen among primates other than man, like cracking a nut with a stone. It teaches its child this particular skill with patience, over a period of six years. But it is unable to feel pride in its accomplishment, since, it lacks the ability to appreciate achievement. Only man, among all living things, has the ability to appreciate achievement. When the parents boast of their children's achievements, it is not because they are not done by any other child, but, because they feel that a listener will appreciate the effort and the child will be encouraged to achieve more. There will be no science or technology or art or music, if people think display of one's ability is showing off and do not appreciate it. Man strives to better himself and appreciation is a catalyst. When a grown man expects it, it is in no way unnatural that a child should expect it. It has achieved what it can. You cannot expect a child a build an aeroplane overnight. 3. Why *must* I leave behind a part of me to add to the dismal clutter? The Bible says God created Man in the likeness of himself. Behaviourists say that Man sees a likeness of himself in his child. In a society where he could not attain all that he dreamed of, he hopes that his child will have that and more. Animals, generally, do not bother about the future. They live for the present. Only man has the capacity to travel in time through his thought over past, present and future. In general, humankind is optimistic. All individuals hope for the best. In case, in his/her lifetime one hasn't seen good, one hopes instinctively, that one's offspring will, at least see the good. For instance, my mother wanted to be a graduate. But, due to her family circumstances, she resigned to the reality. She struggled hard to elevate me to a position, enviable by others of her kind. She has a satisfaction of having elevated herself to this position because she sees me as a part of herself. Humans are obsessed with family traditions and continuity, so are the lions in Africa and elephants in India. Ms Bhosle denies that she has no maternal instinct. But through her question (No 3) she contradicts herself. When she asks why should she leave behind a part, she confesses that she considers her offspring as a part of herself, which is a consequence of the maternal instinct. 4. Why should not everyone adopt a child rather than making his own? A thorough study of nature, either through Darwin's works or through contemporary naturalists will help Ms Bhosle understand the way life sustains itself on earth. All living things have a lots of things in common, like the ability to move and the ability to reproduce young ones. And, many living things share the parental instinct to feed, protect and help their offsprings grow and survive. In the process of reproduction, by the permutation and combination of genes, the better traits are passed on to the offsprings. This process is called natural selection. All the living things tend to retain their individuality, which is defined by these traits and only on mutant occasions or under forced natural circumstances will there be a variation of traits in their offsprings. Even an obscure frog in the evergreen forests of the Amazon will not mate with a species different from its own. But, alas, these living things do not have the capacity to reason like humans do and they are better off, allowing themselves to fulfill one of their natural purposes, the propagation of their species. Humans like Ms Bhosle, who are gifted with enormous amounts of rational understanding and capacity to reason, now try to confuse themselves and those who are ready to listen to them, with unnatural, but seemingly rational behaviour. I would like to tell Ms Bhosle that her mastery over English is due to the natural language processing faculty located in the left side of brain, the growth and extent of growth of which is controlled by her DNA strains. She has to be thankful to her parents for whatever physical and mental faculties she possesses and which helps her retain her natural individuality besides her acquired individuality. And if everyone is as afraid of begetting a child like this, as Ms Bhosle is, the human race will be decimated in a few hundred years. Do not despise parenthood or infants Ms Bhosle has mixed up her instincts, her reason and her knowlege acquired through books and observation regarding rational intellect, westernisation, etc. A cool reflection will help her resolve her internal contradictions. Having answered Ms Bhosle's questions, I would like to quote a Tamil poet, Kuzhal inidhu, yazh inidhu enbar, mazhalai sol kelathar. (Those who haven't heard of an infant's babble will tell that the flute and the lyre as melodious.) I do not despise parenthood. I love children. I love their infant babble. I love their innocent smooches. I love to hug them and hold them in my arms, feeling a sense of understanding between the child and myself. This feeling towards children is not only seen in humans, but also in all living beings on earth. I want to be natural. I want to be human. Dwarakanath Kannan Plymouth, Michigan, USA.
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 18:12:29 -0500 The editor has committed a grave mistake by all allowing Varsha Bhosle's parenthood column on Rediff. It seems he did not read it as once he does, he'll realise it is Facist, Nazist, and so bluntly cold that it's not even funny. Please do not repeat this again.
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 13:09:50 -0500 I read the article Son-burned by Ms Varsha Bhosle. This is one of the best & forward thinking article I have seen on an Indian site for a long time. I completely agree with the author's thoughts. Good... Keep it up. Govind
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 19:08:38 -0800 ONE OF THE WORST ARTICLES I HAVE EVER READ. IT DISCOURAGES PEOPLE FROM ADOPTION. IT THROWS JUNK ON THE READER AND EXPECTS US TO AGREE.
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 15:49:10 -0800 Apart from a suggestion -- adoption should be encouraged as a remedy for the current population crisis -- I can see only idiotic arguments in Ms Varsha's column. As the fact goes, all generalisations are false and Ms Varsha didn't seem to realise it. Parenthood is an individual issue and people should consider that with nation's interest. I can understand Ms Varsha may have some peculiar tastes in life and I accept that's her right. But I can't understand why she wants everybody to think within that kind of frame. Nobody can dictate whether you should have a child or not. I may be wrong, Ms Varsha might only have tried to point out the hypocrisies of Indian society on the important issue -- but the tone is not just sounding correct. Perversions exist everywhere and it's highly ridiculous Ms Varsha suggests to avoid children to stop abuses. Velmurugan.
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 16:27:38 -0800 Varsha Bhosle's article about producing children is outrageous. If the author's parents had thought the same we wouldn't be reading this article on Rediff. It is but natural for people to produce kids. Not all the mothers-in-law nowadays ask for khandan ka chiraghs. Looks like Varsha is in a totally different period. Parents assidously try to collect things for children because they want to give them a better future and to make them better citizens of the country. This nature of parents is not limited to India. Has Varsha forgotten Bill Gates's statement that he shall give a bigger portion of his assets to his daughter? Any parent would like to give the best to his offspring and there is nothing wrong with it. The author has written something off the cuff without even respecting the sentiments and emotions of the Indian women yearning for kids. An angry young reader
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 14:00:21 -0600 (CST) That was an interesting article. But don't you think that showing Oprah and Jerry Springer in a country like India would be like opening the Pandora's box of evil and would actually lead to an increase in abnormal sexual tendencies like homosexuality, incest and child abuse? Thereby adding to the complexity of an already complex society leaving it hanging midway between its old conservative outlook and a half-hearted attempt at achieving the standards of the western society. I think such programmes do more harm than good. Ananth
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 12:58:51 -0500 One wishes that instead of shooting from the hip, the author would have stepped back and done some reading on evolution. Maybe she would be less confused if she understood that the inherent desire to procreate and leave the best progeny is what made us lose our tails and walk straight. I am convinced a lot of things escape the author. A quote from the column follows: "The fixation that Indians have for descendants of their own flesh-and-blood escapes me completely." Hopefully, she will write long winded columns on things that do not escape her. Surely, excessive procreation in India is a big problem. However, trivialising the issue and blaming it on people's stupidity or mother-in-laws isn't very helpful. Raj Singh
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 11:29:39 -0800 A very well written article. I totally agree with most of the things she wrote, especially regarding this idea we Indians have about leaving behind descendants of our own flesh and blood, when there are millions of children out there who need a loving and caring home which most of us are capable of providing. I think because of this mentality, we have children even when we can't afford them just so that we can say "that's my flesh and blood". This, even when we can't provide them with food, clothing or decent education. I could go on and on about how it makes me angry everytime I see a couple who can't take care of their kids (lot of times they can financially afford them, but lack of parenting skills) but hopefully this article will make a few take a second look at why they want to have kids! I'm glad you published this article. Geeta Ferriss
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 20:56:07 -0800
From: BhagwanX Thatte <bhagwan@getnet.com> I do agree with the issues of child abuse and AIDS -- that people have to be enlightened about the situations in India. It doesn't help if people do not prefer to discuss these topics. But I disagree with the justification the author has provided for the main topic of discussion. Hmm! What if the author's mother had the same perspective about bringing a baby into this world?? Disappointed in Arizona Naini Mandala
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 13:49:52 -0500 Varsha makes a very good point. This is something I've been waiting to hear from a person of Indian origin about Indians!! Great article. Hope everyone reads it! MZ
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 12:46:44 -0500 WHAT A STUPID ARTICLE from a WOMAN! Isn't there an editor for this magazine who cuts this crap out? I am totally amazed that, after reading this lengthy article, I was unable to agree with even a single sentence. If you have a problem with children smooching you, teaching them the alphabets or bringing them up as a whole -- the problem is yours and not everyone else's. If children are stupid in learning things, it is not attributed to them -- instead, it is the stupidity of the teacher who cannot get their attention. Imagine, if your mom was able to teach YOU and made YOU this, every child can do it. Mothers don't just give birth 'cuz there are expected to do that. Do you have children? If so, you should know what they feel and how they feel to be a mother. There is not even a simple exaggeration when they say, it makes a woman FULL (complete) when she becomes a mother. Don't tell me all those people who have children lose their perspective for life and don't enjoy it anymore. This article is not worth bringing to the notice of hundreds of people, as if it is a great and thoughtprovoking work.... Note to the Editor: I think you should put some more work into your job. Good luck... Srini
Date sent: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 10:37:30 -0700 This is by far the most insipid of all the articles that I have ever read. This raises doubts in me if the articles are ever scrutinised before publication. The premises used by the author are fallacious and the sophistry just jumps out of the screen and hits you in the jaw. I hope you you will adopt better standards while choosing future articles. Raghu
Date sent: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 12:58:57 +0530 I am Rama, a 23-year-old girl. Your article was excellent and very practical. In some places especially, I felt as though you have seen into my mind and have started writing. But how practical is the aspect, that was not covered here. I was very much against marriage all these years. But, some nine months back, I fell in love with a guy and we will be getting married by next July-August. I am quite happy with him, but a big question in front of me is CHILDREN. I also agree with many things what you have written in the article. Like, if I say I am not all that interested in children right now, people say that I am not supposed to think (leave alone talk) like that. And, as you have said, they say that if I speak like that then it means I am very selfish and materialistic. But should people get married only to beget those small devils? What is a guy is going to lose by having children? It's the girl whose career goes for a six and that process of carrying the baby for 9 months... god, it is terrifying even to think of it. I am so confused now-a-days. I want to get married for the sake of friendship and affection, not to have kids. I get very scared thinking of it. What will be the solution to this problem? Rama
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