10 things in Bollywood we DON'T want to see again

With just a week left before we step into a brand new year, it’s time to retrospect, compare, appraise, applaud and deride all things cinema.

Bollywood, incorrigible and irresistible as always, doled out its share of dynamite and duds. But when I look back at its part-overwhelming, part-ridiculous imagery, there are (at least) 10 things about Hindi films in 2013 I most certainly don’t wish to see again -- EVER.

Here goes:

P:S: Am sure you, dear readers, have your own share of bones to pick. Go ahead; vent it out.

1. That bored orangutan from Yamla Pagla Deewana 2

To add to his woes and ours, the poor fella is made to boogie against Sheila Ki Jawani with a she-orangutan appearing in an item song cameo.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes never made more sense.

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What could be worse than Ajay Devgn trying to dance?

Him punching a rowdy tiger in the jaw, threatening him and his tribe with dire consequences and watch the latter meekly retreat to the jungle only to resurface as his attacker’s saviour in the film’s asinine climax! Say what?

Save the tiger! Save the movies! Save the viewer!

Bum cheeky cheeky bum, much?

Ranbir Kapoor’s derrière jinx continues. Both his debut Saawariya and last release Besharam, where he went overboard flashing his ‘googly woogly woosh’ sit at the, erm, bottom of his otherwise spanking resume.

Aamir Khan’s perpetually arched eyebrows seem to be bearing the brunt of his perfectionist attitude. Like his mounting box office market, they too seem to curve upwards with alarming ferocity.

Fire the person doing your brows, bruh!

One of the worst casting decisions of the year has to be Dalip Tahil as Nehru.

He doesn’t resemble India’s First Prime Minister from any angle or aspect. Tahil’s over-animated performance akin to the schoolboy enthusiasm of a Fancy Dress competitor only triggers moments of unintended hilarity.

You do that again, Madan Chopra and ‘sailaab aayega, sailaab.’

Before Vidya Balan found her Fairy Godmother in fashion designer Sabyasachi Mukherjee, she drew ceaseless criticism for her lousy dressing sense.

Looks like the lady got nostalgic on the sets of Ghanchakkar. The upshot is for all to see in the accompanying pictures.

If Grand Masti has one quality at all, it’s consistency. The raunchy comedy is consistently appalling.

And if the brain could simply gargle and spit a memory it would be that of Vivek Oberoi and Aftab Shivdasani cross-dressed in some ill-fitting clothes and wigs puckering up their lips up close and personal for a scene so prolonged you could mistake it for slo-mo.

David Dhawan’s ghastly remake of Sai Paranjpe’s endearing classic leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

One of the most memorable scenes from the latter is when Farookh Shaikh and Deepti Naval bond over the attributes of ‘jhaagwaala’ Chamko detergent.

So it is especially tormenting to watch my favourite Rishi Kapoor participate in the ruthless massacre of that beloved moment along with an overzealous Lilette Dubey that is everything but respectful, fond or witty.

See that space next to Dalip Tahil? That’s reserved for Imran Khan, yet another victim of woeful miscasting this year.

With all that Lindt oozing out of his personality, what made director Milan Luthria envision him as badass? I reiterate; no amount of facial hair can wipe off the vanilla in Imran’s essence.

Sample these. I rest my case.

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