We don't want these Diwali gifts -- do you?

Use a little imagination, people, or you'll fizzle like a firecracker gone wrong with these Diwali presents!

'Tis better to give than to receive alright -- we'd rather be giving such gifts than receiving them!

We love the Festival of Lights, but with so many behind us, the most we can manage is a suppressed groan and a stiff smile when the designated culprits that put the least thought into distributing goodies come around to wish us each year.

So without further ado, we bring you the lemons. In fact, we'd rather recieve a dozen lemons than any more of these -- shudder -- gifts!

Mithai and dry fruits

Yes, it's tradition to exchange sweets and dry fruits on Diwali, but good heavens, what are you supposed to do with 12 kilos of it coming in from relatives and friends across the city!

Everyone grumbles upon receiving too much of these rich foods and tries to pass them on, so things turn into this huge mithai marathon that may well end up with your box being returned to you, intact.

Either think of something else, or then send a quantity that would fit in a matchbox.

It's a good thing you're reading this, because you probably can't hear anymore after having received one of these babies.

Some crazy folks take great pride in gifting 1,000 and 2,000-rupee firecracker looms to youngsters. You may as well set fire to your money and watch it burn instead of clamping your hands over your ears and watching it combust.

It's bad enough you're polluting the environment, but if you're going to do it anyway, at least spring for visually appealing firecrackers like fuljadis and anars -- it's the Festival of Lights, not sound.

Oh, those are for sissies, are they? Well then, we'll see who has the last laugh when you're wearing a hearing aid in your 30s.

Who doesn't love receiving money?

We all do, of course and it's a great idea to invest for your near and dear ones -- just don't try to pass SIPs, MFs and heaven knows what else off as Diwali gifts, because festival or no festival, you darn well know that you were going to go ahead with those anyway.

Gifts are brightly-wrapped packages that yield exciting things, not sheaves of paper with causes and clauses. So these can be an add-on, but if you're going to count them among the main loot, you may as put coal in your children's stockings at Christmas too.

Imagine receiving a non-stick frying pan as a gift.

No, don't laugh -- many people seem to think that cookware sets are just nifty!

We've got news for you -- they're blah and boring, especially when you present them to housewives, because you're effectually telling them that all they're good for is cooking. Which is probably what most of them do at home everyday anyway and don't quite enjoy, because it's a chore.

Would you like receiving office stationery? Speaking of which...

Many good folks seem to think that a backpack with 'Pinky Travels' or 'Mehta Brokers' could be the latest style statement.

We have a term for it -- it's called shameless self-promotion.

Please, spare us the office-emblazoned freebies, because you're either distributing them as a form of advertising or then receiving them yourself as freebies and then passing them on.

And no, those don't count as 'gifts', because you've put about as much thought into them as you did into consuming breakfast this morning.

Sure, ornate photo frames are a nice idea.

But for heavens' sake don't go and stick a photograph of yourself in there, because people don't necessarily want your mug staring back at them for the rest of their lives. Leave someone the liberty of choosing their own pics to insert.

Yes, the near and dear may appreciate family photographs, but then if you choose one where you look great and your cousin Satish looks like a monkey, it's not going to go down well with him either.

This one is about as exciting as sitting around watching each other breathe.

Instead of gifting someone great movies or music, you think that they'd rather add in their own preferences and so you spring for blanks.

Wrong! It's a headache and most likely, that set is going to lie in the back of some drawer for a few years, till it's no good anymore.

Blah!

In an age when most have all the telephone numbers they'll ever need stored in their cell phones and make notes on their palmtops, we're still receiving telephone books and diaries.

Why, people, why?

The only use we'll put that diary to is making a note that we won't be entertaining you for Diwali next year!

Groan. When there are shops galore that sell perfectly great clothes, where's the need to go out and buy yards of cloth that will just sit in our wardrobes forever and ever?

This isn't the 1900s, so if you think we're going to visit a tailor and get an outfit stitched just because you sent across some fabric, you've got another thing coming.

How difficult is it, really, to pick out a nice shirt or dress!

How did you know shampoo was on our wishlist?

You didn't?

Neither did we!

Please, a shaving kit, soap and lotion is not a Diwali present at all -- most of the time it's an upper-class airline freebie.

A hamper of goodies is always welcome, just as long as it doesn't belong on the bathroom shelf. You may as well include a toilet roll too, because you'll be flushing our hopes of a neat gift down the commode!

Vote! The best Diwali gifts this festive season!