'My divorcee gal refuses to give marriage another try'

Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on September 22 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.

Love Guru says, Hey there, people...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...

sunil asked, Hi LG, If a girl knows that I am flirting and she also indulges in little flirting, what does it mean? she loves me or she is only interested in enjoying it? If she loves me, how to make her to propose me first

Love Guru answers, Sunil, not many women like to take the initiative. If you like her, why try to play games and get her to admit her feelings first? Instead of that, you should express your feelings, since you're sure of them. And since you say she responds to your flirting, what are you so afraid of? Nothing ventured nothing gained!

King asked, When your lover shout at you, beat you and say anything she wants but in turn if you do the same she takes it very negatively.. What should we do in such case..

Love Guru answers, Screaming at each other and hitting each other is not going to get you two anywhere. Especially the latter -- don't allow her to assault you. Walk out when she starts behaving like that. Explain that you're only willing to have a discussion, not a screaming match with punches thrown in, so when she thinks she's calm and mature enough to handle that, you can talk.

SB asked, I had an ex girl friend from my collage days who ditched me and eventually we both are now both married to diff partners. She has now contacted me after 15 years and is now supposidly mad-in-love with me. How should I tackle this ? Would remaining in touch as good friends be an alternative ?

Love Guru answers, She's probably turned to you because she's not happy with her marriage. Question is, are you? She ditched you and now life is not going well for her so she expects you to drop your wife and family life and go running back after 15 years? It doesn't quite work that way. And this 'good friends' business between exes doesn't work when one 'friend' is madly in love with the other! I would suggest you recommend that she opt for marital counselling and work out her personal life without getting you involved.

rambo asked, Hi LG, I am 29 years old and my family has been asking me to tie the knot for a long time now. My question to you is that i am an extremely change resistant person, and i dont know how i will react to the change from being single and independent to being responsible and married. Moroever, as a person i am in a zone of my own, when at home, i just keep watching TV or just surf the net, i dont like to move my butt unless i want to. I think these are some bad qualities which might ruin my married life. Do you think i am over reacting? Also, i lose interest in people pretty soon, and i dont want to be in a situation where i get married and start losing interest my wife...What should i do? Also, from my question you would have already understood that i am confused person, i sometime just dont know what to do !!!

Love Guru answers, For someone like you an arranged match would most likely be a mistake, since you say you easily lose interest in women. And then what? You'll blame your family for the miserable state of affairs and your wife will suffer. I would suggest that you decide what's best for you -- if you like life as it is, don't get married just yet. And if and when you do, make sure it's to someone you truly love and can think of spending the rest of your life with. Don't get hitched just because someone else thinks it's time for you -- you should be the judge of that!

Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

karan asked, Dear LG, we both are divorcees and live in the same city and dating for last 4 years. Now, I want to get married and have a family but she doesna€™t want to marry me or anyone else. The reason she says is her past experience. She also has to support her parents. Even that I have no problems with but shea€™s not agreeing. But when I tell her that I will get married to someone else, she gets upset. She means a lot to me, but I cana€™t go on like this forever. I am in a dilemma whether to wait further or call it off and look for someone else. What to do? pls suggest?

Love Guru answers, Explain to her that you need to see a future in this relationship, else it's just a waste of time as you don't want to be dating for the rest of your life. You want to move on, get married, have children...One bad experience with marriage doesn't mean she should be put off it forever! You've agreed to her supporting her parents and you want things to move forward. Tell her you're willing to give her more time, provided she can assure you of a secure future together. If not, maybe it is time to call it quits.

Disgruntled asked, Dear LG, I recently got married 3 months back and it was a love marriage after being in courtship for 4 years. I imagined we would be a great couple because we went along with each other so well, however to my consternation we get into frequent fights almost on alternate days...I find her very indifferent to my feelings...I am worried where I am heding towards...I am really scared that fights have started so soon...how do I handle the situation?? I always thought I am good at handling conflicts but this thing has thrown a spanner in the wheel and I am exasperated ..please advise how do we be happy...!!

Love Guru answers, The fights starting so soon is perfectly normal -- the maximum conflict takes place in the first year of marriage, as you start getting adjusted to living with each other! Dating and living together are not quite the same thing. Now in order to proceed on a smooth course, first you need to let her know how you feel -- that you find her indifferent and worry for your future together. Hear her side of the story too. And fighting every alternate day -- compromise is the name of the game! If it's for things as trivial as who gets the top shoe shelf, I'd say both of you start letting the small issues go, they're not a big deal! Else take turns to give in!

SACHIN asked, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND PRBLM IS WHEN I TOUCHED HER SHE IS AFFRAID AND BREATHING SO CAN I STOP THIS BCZ SHE ALSO WANTS TO ENJOY SEX BUT PRLM IS THIS.

Love Guru answers, She's afraid of having sex. Take it by stages -- set boundaries and don't cross them till she gets comfortable with each step. It will require your patience and understanding. With time, she will start enjoying things as far as you both agree to take them. And slowly you can work up to actual sex.

Kush asked, Dear LG, I don't love my wife physically ..but love her emotionally..I don't know how to keep her happy this way...Don't want to divorce her either...but how should I make this relationship successful ?

Love Guru answers, Why don't you love her physically? Is it that you don't find her attractive, or is she too self-conscious in bed, or is it that she doesn't enjoy sex? What is the problem exactly?

bs asked, HI LG i am 40+ now and married since 1995 and 2 kids . now i came to know that my wife has a affair with her colleague. few times we fought. but due to kids future i am to cool down Kindly suggest what i have to do now

Love Guru answers, Staying together 'for the sake of the children' is not the solution, as so many parents understandably believe. What kind of environment do you want to bring them up in and more importantly, what kind of example do you want to set them of a marriage? One where the mother is having an affair and both parents don't get along? If your wife is refusing to end the affair, I'd suggest you separate and start legal proceedings. If she is willing to put it behind her and give your marriage another try, you both need to attend couples' counselling to help things get back on track.

gautam asked, I gave a girl a love letter,next day she smiled at me and the very next day i went to her and said " can i talk to you for a moment " and she said no but was smiling as well. What signal does it give ?

Love Guru answers, It seems she's flattered by the attention but doesn't want to take it any further just yet. I'd say write her another letter and ask for a written response!

ruchi asked, Hi LG! I am 27 yr old girl...divorced...and scared of marriage...almost a year and a half back i met a boy thru common friends....and we hit it off immediately....the boy proposed me in june for marriage....he knows everything about my life....but my problem is that he is 4 years younger to me...i really like him...he has stood with me through thick and thin....he loves me like crazy...but since the day he has proposed me i am not able to talk to him like i used to earlier....i love him but dont know what to do....my family thinks i have gone mad....i love my family too as they have been my pillar of support....its becoming difficult for me to concentrate on anythng....please help me..what shud i do????

Love Guru answers, Four years is hardly an age difference worth mentioning, but at 23, he does seem a little young to marry, unless he's really mature and knows exactly the direction in which he wants his life to go. Don't throw away such a good thing by being so silly, Ruchi. This is a second chance and you should grab it with both hands. You don't have to get married right away, you know -- you can always set a date for next year, or even later.

rami asked, Hi Love guru! i met a guy through online chating .. i got attached to him... when i talk to him about getting married he said he is divorcee....now i m feeling cheated what to do...i hate such guys who plays with girls emotions

Love Guru answers, Have you even met this guy? And so what if he told you he's a divorcee now, why is that playing with your emotions? Lying to you about it or never bringing it up would be playing with your emotions! I'd suggest you start facing up to the reality of your situation -- this is just an online friendship and if you want it to go further, you have to strike up a friendship off the computer. In person! Till then, don't bring up marriage or any such dramatic step!

Broken asked, I am married for 4 months now. I love my wife immensely. Recently, i came across a chat transcript accidentally involving my wife and her friend. That guy and my wife had a really indecent chat before our marriage. I am heartbroken to know my wife was such a girl. I am forced to think that she is having affairs even now at workplace. Since i love her, i don't want to be harsh to her but the truth hurts me very much. I have begun to lose interest in her. Please help me.

Love Guru answers, You need to ask her about the transcript and to level with you about her past. Don't judge her by what happened before your marriage -- hear her out and get her side of the story first.

Dinesh asked, It is different angle actually. I have a girlfriend though both are married and we have our limits too. We actually met in such (after marriage) stage so no any further strings were in my mind (I think in her too). We chatted much and sometimes we both felt and expressed that if we met before marriage then certainly we were compaitable more, but we never forget to count our partner as best co-operating one. I really feel so. From few months she has suddenly close the conversation and changed her no. etc. She live too far from my city. I could not understand the reason behind. Sometimes I think about her but could not understand why she did so? I have never done anything beyond limit and our conversation was all well even she was keeping SMS me. Can you please guide about women phsycology and probable reason/s behind her this act..

Love Guru answers, She probably decided to give her marriage a real try and wanted to end things with you. Granted, she should have at least had the decency to convey her wishes to you instead of just cutting you off. But I'd suggest you stop obssessing over what went wrong and do the same.

issss asked, I am a 20 year old boy and i had a girlfriend.But her father passed away this january.She only has one brother and now only she, her brother and her mother are there. We both loved each other and still do. But last month her brother(elder) told us not to talk anymore and end our relationship. We did so but have been in touch constantly through facebook and sometimes phone. I understand her brother's condition right now as he has the load of the family on his shoulders and doesn't want his sister to lose focus on her career. So i just want to know what should we do now?Should we wait for some years and then restart our relationship or should we end it right here?

Love Guru answers, You're a little young to think of getting married, but at the same time I don't see why you have to end the relationship just because he says so. She should face up to him and explain that this is what she wants and he has no right to try and bully her into doing what he thinks she should. He should respect her wishes and that she has a personal life. I can understand that he has a burden on his shoulders, but there's really no need to start dictating terms to his sister on who she can and cannot see.

karan25 asked, hi LG, i am in a relationship from last 1.6 yrs, my gf is very possessive, i dont hv any girls as a friend but i hv a group of friends our families know each other and we r very close and they hv helped me in nedy times, but she doesnt want me to even talk to them let alone spending time with them, initially when she askd me to do this, i told her that i cant do that and in anger said i can leave u but not them, she kept that in mind n now says u hv hurted me n u hv to choose between me and them, she also doesnt like my parents calling me if im with her late at night or the whole day, wat shld i do?? plzz help..

Love Guru answers, The more you give in to this nonsense the more she'll take advantage of it. Tell her straight that you are not going to be cutting off relations with anyone just because she's so insecure and mistrustful -- that's a problem she should be working to overcome, not getting you to indulge! And I should think that your parents can call you any time of the night or day -- they're your parents, for God's sake! Tell her straight that if you found your family friends attractive, you'd have been dating one of them long before you met her -- you don't, which is why you're with her! And Karan, trust me -- if she doesn't change her ways, it will be better to end this relationship. Otherwise, with all this nagging she'll ruin your life.

hmmm asked, Hi LG. Got married recently to someone who loves me dearly..Ours was an arranged marriage, the problem is I dont have the same kind of feelings for her. Just before my marriage got fixed, I was in a serious relationship with someone who was also very much in love with me..unfortunately, we had a fight and broke up. Now , I realize that I was the happiest with my ex and she feels the same way too. Am not able to decide what to do now, my wife is very caring but i just dont seem to develop any feelings for her..what do i do?

Love Guru answers, You married on the rebound -- big mistake. Because it's not you who will get hurt now, it's your wife. And she's done nothing to deserve it. You had a fight and broke up with your ex -- why? Surely there must be a valid reason for it, or were you both so stubborn that you let something small come in the way of things and you actually went ahead and got married? Examine your relationship with your ex very carefully -- analyse whether in the long run you'll be happy together, or the problems you were facing earlier are going to crop up again. Weigh your decision carefully and find out whether your marriage was the right move or a mistake.

BB asked, Hi LG, i was in a relationship which my then Girlfriend discontinued under pressure from her parents. Afterwards, she got married. Presently,since past several months she is giving msd. calls to my mobile as well as landline number. these are not full-fledged telephone calls and only missed calls. As far as i know, that she is well-off and doesn't have any financial constraint to offer a full-fledged telephone call. My question is why has she been reacting in this seemingly precarious way?? And, shall i return her msd. calls though am not interested doing so. Thanks.

Love Guru answers, If you're really not interested in returning her calls, don't. And if you want to know why she's calling you, return her call once and ask why she keeps doing this, because it's quite weird and you'd like her to stop.

Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, folks...till next week, goodbye and take care!