'Help your kids understand the value of the things you give them'

Manjiri Gokhale Joshi, author of 'Crushes Careers and Cell Phones' tells us how challenging it is to be a single mother, and shares her journey of inspiration and challenges while writing the book, which was a long-pending dream of hers. Read on.

It's not everyday that you pick up a book containing notes to a teenager from a mother, especially when the title is something like Crushes Careers and Cell Phones. At least not when you are past your teens.

By the look of it, I thought its 270 pages would be an attempt to flood youngsters' minds with a set of rules about what's right and what's wrong, what they must do and what they must refrain from. But I was wrong.

Although the attempt is something similar, the approach is different and positive, to say the least.

Author Manjiri Gokhale Joshi has cleverly chaptered the subjects that matter during growing up years in alphabetical order, from A to Z. For instance, A for achievement, ambition; B for break-ups, boyfriends, bullies; C for careers, cell phones, clothes, comfort zone and so on.

She describes each of them in the most understandable fashion and spruces them up with agreeable, workable tips, without sounding overtly sacrificial or demanding.

Crushes Careers and Cell Phones is an honest attempt to look at things from the standpoint of a parent who knows all, yet is willing to understand, learn and adapt to change.

As she writes in the introduction: "Some teenagers may term bits of this book presumptuous, patronising or preachy. And some parents may find it bold, blatant or brash...No surprise! Teenagers and their parents rarely agree on anything! Besides, given the stark differences in cultures, upbringing, exposure and social environment, there can never be complete agreement on parenting style."

Joshi hails from Pune and currently heads the project management division at Primal Pictures in London. She is also a social entrepreneur and founder of Maya CARE, a non-profit organisation that works for senior citizens in India. This is her second book, the first being Inspired! How to create a formula for success in life which she co-authored along with Dr Ganesh Natarajan and published in 2006.

Inspired... traces the journey of 23 successful young professionals from various walks of life. She calls Crushes Careers and Cell Phones her first 'independent' venture as an author.

In a candid conversation Joshi, who started her career as a news reporter at the Indian Express, tells us about what led to her writing the book, her journey so far and shares advice on how she makes her kids realise the value of money and more.

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What inspired you to take up this subject?

When I was in Pune, I was working with this BPO called Zensar Technologies, as head of human resources. As you all know, employees who work in a BPO usually fall between the age group of 18 to 25.

While interacting with them, I got to know them better -- from the problems they face, to their views on various issues and how they take on challenges. I realised that there were a lot of misconceptions regarding their generation and I wanted to address them as a parent. It was a great learning experience for me and I wanted to share my learnings with people.

Who proposed the title of the book?

My initial title for the book was 'Notes to a teenager'. That was how I wanted it to be --like a mother or a parent writing to his/her teenaged daughter/son. I did not think of it as a commercial venture at first, but then I thought why not?

There are lot of things that parents would like to tell their children and like them to know. When I discussed the idea with my husband, he asked me to choose a better title -- something snappier, derived from the contents of the book that would instantly connect with the teenager. And we realised that three important things that matter to every teenager today are crushes, career and cell phones.

Why did you choose Sushmita Sen to write the foreword?

I have always been inspired by her charisma and approach to life. When I first shared the idea with a few parents, they did not appreciate my choice.

People told me, "She is not the right example of a mother. Her personal life has not been too good. Please do not feature her." But I was undeterred by what people or the media had to say about her.

According to me, she is an inspiration to many independent women, including me -- right from her success as the first Indian woman to win the Miss Universe title, to having made the decision to adopt a girl child and bring her up as a single mother. She went on to adopt another child and has been a wonderful example of a parent so far.

Despite facing so many ups and downs, she comes across as a charming personality and a doting mom who takes time off to attend her daughter's events and does all it takes in her stride to be a good parent. What she does in her personal life does not affect the fact that she is a good parent and an exceptional woman.

I was a single mother for six years before remarrying recently and to me, she was the perfect woman to write the foreword of my book.

(Smiles) Well, it's not easy. I was a single mother to my daughter Mahi for six years. I had to balance my work and bring up my kid as well. I realised that I had to manage so many things in a day that I had no time for myself.

Besides, when you are single, you feel hurt about what has happened to you; you feel lonely most of the time. But with time, you also become independent, you learn to be strong.

I was lucky to meet my husband Abhay; we got married last year and we have a family. But I have come across a lot of single parents who have brought up their kids in an amazing way. I think we must respect their efforts.

You have included subjects like disability, braces, divorce, step-parents. Don't you think these are very subjective issues and every teenager may not necessarily confront them?

I wanted to include as many parameters of growing up in the book as possible. For example, disability may not concern every teenager. But once in a while, you may come across someone -- a cousin, a friend or a friend's sibling, or a neighbour who is facing a disability. There will be times when you do not know how to face a situation involving a disabled person. So the chapter on disability will help them understand the disabled person better.

Even subjects like divorce and step-parents are serious but they are less talked about in our society. Similarly, under the subject 'Dads', I have described the parent as a 'rare man who made your lunch box, helped with homework, kissed away your tears and is just a phone call away'.

I have said this primarily because most kids haven't interacted with their fathers during their growing-up years, either because their father was working late hours to support the family or because he was travelling or staying abroad for work.

The reasons are many, but the father is someone who is remotely managing the family affairs and is often referred to as an 'absent parent'-- a man whom you rarely meet. I have tried to emphasise the importance of a father figure and tried to see things from his perspective. I wanted to say that an absent parent need not be a bad parent.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Since the subjects are trendy, maybe a teenager would like to read your book. But how do you think parents will react to it?

Recently, at a book release function, a teenage boy came up to me saying he found my book interesting and wanted to buy it, but his mother did not allow him to. So I agreed to talk to her and find out the reason behind it.

When I met his mother, I told her that I was the author of the book and wanted to know why she wasn't letting her son buy it. She told me that it talked about crushes and she did not want her son to be influenced by the book at his age.

I realised what the problem was and politely asked the mother if she had fancied any actor or cricketer in her teen years. She confessed and dropped a name. I explained to her that crushes were similar to being fancied by someone of the opposite sex. It's a harmless emotion and every teenager is bound to have crushes, so there's nothing wrong about it.

In fact, I told that she may first read the book and later decide if she wanted her son to read it. She understood what I was trying to convey and eventually agreed to buy it. I am sure a lot of parents are conservative in their outlook towards life because they are ignorant of the changes taking place around them. At the same time, they are careful not to spread the wrong message to their kids, hence restrict them from following certain things.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

So how does your book try to convince parents to change their outlook towards their children?

See, there may be a lot of things that may seem negative at face value like alcohol, dating, crushes, sex. But just because you turn a blind eye to them or refuse to talk about them with your kids, you cannot deny their existence.

By doing so, parents think that they are trying to protect their kids, but that's not always true. If you won't tell them, they will come to know from elsewhere and you can't be sure how trustworthy the information will be.

So it is important that as parents or guardians, you let your children know that these things exist in society. You have to show them the good and the bad side and let them develop the reasoning and decision part of things later. You cannot always judge and make opinions for them.

Whether you like it or not, that is the truth. So you have to talk to them and hear what they have to say.

Have you faced an instance where you did not agree with your teenager? How did you cope with it?

Let me share a recent incident with you. My younger daughter Mahi's school announced a trip to Germany for students. The cost of the trip was not nominal and since most of the children who study there come from middle class families, a majority of them naturally decided to opt out of it.

I asked my daughter if she wanted to go and realised that she wanted to take the trip. Now, the question here was not about money or affordability. Had she been a few years elder, she could have probably gone out and worked part time and made her own money. A lot of young kids do that here (in the UK) -- work at a pump station, serve at a restaurant after school etc. Although this trend is not very common in India, it is fast catching up. It not only makes them self-reliant but also helps them realise the value of the money they spend. But since she is too young (she is 12 years old), we thought of an alternate idea.

We told her that we would pay for her trip provided she helped us do the little chores at home. Since keeping a housemaid is an expensive affair, my daughter agreed to wake up early, pack everyone's lunchboxes, help us with cleaning etc. This way, we ensured that she earned the money so that she would spend it wisely.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

What challenges did you face while writing the book? Did you speak to people to get initial feedback?

The idea to write the book was a long-pending one. When I was in Pune, I spoke to the publishers, they liked my idea, but back then I could not devote time to writing. In 2010, I got a job in the UK and decided to move here to live with my husband Abhay (Joshi). The challenge became easier after I took my husband's suggestion of penning 800 words a day.

As a co-parent, I would discuss each of these chapters with him. He was a great help. I also discussed some of the chapters with our elder daughter Tanvi. She has stayed in the UK for ten years now. I would consult her and include her opinions as well.

For instance, while writing on a subject like sex, I was sure that no Indian mother would touch the book if they knew that I was talking about it. So, after I wrote the chapter, I asked Tanvi to read it and give me her feedback. She told me it was just perfect. I had included the important details and if I added anything more, I would have embarrassed either the parent or the teenager. I did not want to do that.

Similarly, while dealing with topics on alcohol, dating, drugs, smoking etc, I have tried not to be conservative and at the same time be reasonable and considerate to everyone who will be reading it.

When did you start writing the book? How long did it take you to finish it?

I started writing the book in December 2010. As I mentioned, my husband had set a target for me. I had to write 800 words a day. I had to travel from Milton to London every day to work. I would write on my way to work. That's how I could complete it by July.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Initially, when I discussed writing a book with my family, my daughters Mahi and Tanvi said that they wanted to contribute too. I thought it was a great idea to feature their views. Then I thought why just Tanvi and Mahi, why not include other teenagers and find out what they had to say about each of the subjects?

I spread the word around among our circle of friends and approached a lot of teenagers -- they were kids of friends, or cousins of acquaintances.

Most of the children were helpful, but some of them were not very forthcoming, primarily because of the subjects given to them.

Some teenagers wanted to write, but they weren't sure how their parents would react to it. So they chose not to. In some cases, parents did not want their kids to write. However, the 43 kids who have contributed to the book were extremely cooperative and some of them are really looking forward to feedback from readers.

Since your book is in English, is your target audience limited to a certain section of readers?

I understand that it may not reach out to everyone, but the idea was that it would not address problems of the middle class and the upper middleclass alone. I have included subjects like disability, divorce, suicide etc as some of these issues are common across all stratas of society. Even though they may not directly affect all of us, people may find a reason to connect with such topics in future.

I am sure there are a lot of parents out there who are not educated or privileged enough to read my book, but if someone else can read it out to them, it would be of great help. The idea is to spread the message across to both parents and teenagers.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

To be honest, the challenge of writing the book was to steer clear of being judgmental and one-sided. I did not want to sound as if I am telling the teenager who/what is right and wrong, or force a personal opinion on either of them (parent and teenager).

I have tried to balance out the feelings of both parties and kept the reading as light as possible, like a parent would communicate to his/her teenager. Anyone who reads it should be able to establish a connection. Each one's view had to be taken into consideration and presented in the right way.

How has the response been so far?

After the book was published, I distributed a few copies among teenaged kids who were living abroad. Some of them told me that although the attempt is laudable, some of the subjects were redundant and that these are way too conservative for teenagers, given the time and age. I explained to them that it was too early to generalise opinion and that a number of parents in different countries were still not ready to let their kids talk or discuss these subjects publicly. So the book was important to them.

Meanwhile, a colleague in my office who read the book told me that it was a revealing experience for her. She said she was addicted to the flow of conversation and that she did not want to put it down. She told me this was exactly how she would want to address her teenager.

The responses of people who have read the book have been positive across the continent. This, I believe, is because the idea of parenting remains the same.

Every parent wants the best for their child, but the question is how many of them are willing to adapt and find the common ground. I hope my book helps address the 'disconnect' among views of parents and children, and enable a healthy communication between the two.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier

What are the most common mistakes that parents make and how do you think they should tackle them?

First of all, parents should not bow down to the demands of their children. You need not do it because every one else is doing it. As parents, you should weigh in the pros and cons of your child's demands before meeting them.

No matter how busy your lives are, you must find time for your children. Talk to them once a day or week. Ask them what they did through the day. Find out if they are facing any problems and tell them how they can cope with them.

Do not undervalue the views of your children. Involve them in the decision-making process; ask them for their opinions from time to time. This will make them feel important and responsible.

Help them understand the value of everything you give them. Be it education or pocket money, nothing comes for free, hence should not be given away for free. Whenever possible, find ways to make them earn it so that they will understand the worth of what they receive. You can try engaging them in small tasks and make them accountable.

It is important that parents become friends with children. A healthy exchange of thoughts between parents and children is the need of the day. You may not agree with them all the time, but it is important to mutually develop respect for each other's choices and arrive at a favourable conclusion after a discussion.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh