The REALLY stupid things men do to impress women!

Sometimes there's no explanation why we do some really nutty things to score brownie points with the fairer sex, says Abhishek Mande.

Men are inexplicable creatures. Especially when it comes to wooing unsuspecting members of the opposite sex.

We pretend to like books by authors we've never heard of, bob our heads to a song the lyrics of which we can't understand or simply get into a brawl thinking she'll be impressed with our machismo.

And while we may never really know what women really want, it doesn't stop us from trying hard -- sometimes too hard -- to impress them.

Here are some of the things that will go down in the list of the most stupid things that men do to get laid.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Agreed, it is kinda sexy -- the image of a smokey room, a lady in red and a bunch of guys playing pool.

But if you're knocking the ball clear off the table rather than into the holes, it can safely be said that you suck at the game.

So take a cue, or in this case, drop the cue. And walk away before you make a bigger ass of yourself, by maybe knocking her front teeth out with one of your brilliantly aimed shots.

Communing with nature is all very fine.

But if her idea of a great day involves miles of walking through the forest and looking at e-v-e-r-y single species of bird and spider, while yours involves a bottle of chilled beer and a game of soccer, then there's something you need to think about.

Faking interest in anything that isn't up your alley won't get you too far. Chances are it won't get you into her pants, so why bother? On the downside, something may get into your pants out there in the wilderness and it won't be pleasant!

Get this straight -- there's Salman Khan and then there's you.

Just because he happened to wear his Ray Bans on the back of his head in Dabangg doesn't mean you can do it too.

This pretty much holds true for all Bollywood fashion trends -- from Shah Rukh Khan's figure-hugging tees in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai to Akshay Kumar's gamchas in Tashan.

Either way, why would you want to ape something that everyone else will anyway?

As far as sunglasses go, they're for the eyes. Eyes are at the front of your head. Ergo that's where your glasses should be.

You've read it too? Girls like guys who make them laugh.

Of course it's true! But that is if you happen to make them laugh with you, not at you!

Some of us just happen to have the gift of the gab. As for others, the best lines come to us when we're in the loo the next morning.

But you can take our word for it -- better to kick yourself about the things you didn't say rather than hide in the bathroom for things you did.

So rather than try too hard to be funny, you'd be better off playing yourself.

Who knows, there may just be someone looking for the 'silent type'?

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Let's see -- so your mum's sister's neighbour is related to Mimoh Chakraborty's hairdresser's wife?

It doesn't mean your date wants to know everything that happens in his life.

Give her a break. Either way, chances are she won't know who Mimoh is!

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Adman Prahlad Kakkar once said that men who cook get laid more often than men who pump iron.

Given his reputation, we'd like to take his word for it.

But that doesn't mean you should hit the kitchen and try your hand at what Anthony Bourdain tossed up the other night on television.

Agreed, it's all about the thought when you cook for someone. But don't put your date through a half-cooked chicken that's sure to give her heartburn while yours goes pit-a-pat.

"Hey, gal! Howzit hangin! Are you, like, chill? I'z just downin' some wid ma homies and was wonderin' if you'd like to make the scene?"

See? Even reading it makes you feel like a fool, so imagine what it sounds like when it actually comes out of your mouth!

A visit to the US Embassy a decade ago, or even a visit to the US itself last month does not justify a fake accent.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Art showings might be considered highbrow. But being seen at one when you have no idea what the hell it is all about isn't.

"Look at the play of colour on this one, you can feel the agony lurking in the artist's broken heart as he contemplates the spiritual vistas opened to him by his brush."

Then you'll learn that the artist is, in fact, an elephant named Raja, whose canvases raise money for an animal welfare organisation and the only agony he's suffered is probably an overripe banana.

So if you don't know the difference between Dali and Raja Ravi Verma (and more importantly don't care), we'd suggest you stay away from that local gallery of yours.

That way you'd save yourself and more importantly, your date, a whole lot of embarrassment.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Sure, a couple of drinks bring you out of your shell and make you look like the smartest guy in the room. But the key, as everyone will tell you, is knowing where to stop.

A good hint to take would be when you realise you're spending more time in the loo than at the table. Or worse, on the table, stomping along to the YMCA and singing your lungs out as five waiters try to bring you to step down.

At this stage get out of the bar and get a cab home. It's better to go to bed alone than make an ass of yourself.

And here's a warning -- what they say about having one too many and then trying to get down and dirty? It's true!

Okay, so you cried when Jerry Maguire said 'You complete me' in a roomful of people and have always wished you could say it to someone at some point in your life.

But you're not Tom Cruise and this is not the '90s. So chuck it!

How this one came about we'll never know. But apparently, many macho fools think that being rude to hired help is good for your image.

If you haven't noticed, we've kinda left the Stone Age far behind. And we're presuming rudeness wouldn't have earned you a lot of brownie points back then either.

So either your date will think you're an aggressive idiot who she never wants to set eyes on again or she'll have no problem with it -- in which case you two eggheads deserve each other!

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Done something really stupid to impress a girl? Or better yet, ladies -- what's the craziest thing a guy has done to try and impress you! We're all ears! Share your experiences with us. Send in an e-mail (subject line: 'Trying to impress girls') to getahead@rediff.co.in along with a photograph, if possible and we'll publish the best responses right here!