Top 10: Things you MUST NOT say at Fashion Week

Lakme Fashion Week is in its tenth year. High time, someone decoded the 'fashion lingo', don't you think?

So, here's presenting a dummy's guide to survival at the cruellest place in the whole world. First up, top 10 things you MUST NOT say at Fashion Week, followed by top 10 things most common lines heard at Fashion Week...

I need a pass to the show
Okay, here's the thing. If you don't have a pass, don't breathe a word about it...to anyone. Believe us no one will ever know if you were there or not. Just watch the show on the screens in the lobby and you'll know just what has happened. And then you can talk about it like you were there!

How much does this cost?
Another red flag. Should we remind you (yet again) of where you are? No one buys clothes here. You are simply supposed to gush about the 'lovely Sabyasachi sari' or the 'stunning Manish Malhotra choli' and walk out. Think of it, when was the last time anyone asked anyone what they bought at the last season?

I didn't like your collection
This one is a big no-no! Unless the designer's your chuddi-buddy, you are NOT supposed to tell them they sucked. If you're a critic, tell the designer to watch out for your next column, smile and walk away. If you're not, you have no business commenting on it anyway.

Do you smoke?
Now here's a classic example of a redundant question. We'd rather you look at the expression on the person's face when you ask that question.

All the best for your show!
Now it's fine if you say this to one of the newer designers. But never, ever, ever say this to an established name. If you must strike up a conversation with them tell them their last collection was 'interesting' and that you're looking forward to their show.

Man, she's hot!
You're at the fashion week so you WILL see attractive models. Ogle discreetly if you must. Or say this as many times in your head. But don't be seen dead saying those three words in public.

Hey, how is Rita?
Just so you know, it's alright to be seen with a different arm candy every other season here. And it's equally fine if the arm candy becomes an arm dandy the next time around. Do the guy a favour, don't embarrass him.

Is there booze?
This one is most likely to come from the journalist assigned to cover the shows. Okay, so many of us are here for the free drinks, but hey at least we don't make a show about it. And for the record...of course there is booze!

Where do I leave my bag?
You could have well told everyone they sacked you from your last company, it'd have the same effect! If you're at fashion week, you are supposed to carry a bag you can flaunt or not carry one at all.

Can I have a picture with you?
You can do ALL of the things listed above. But wanting to be clicked with a celebrity at a fashion week is perhaps the last thing you'd want to do... even if you were going to die the next day. It's silly and makes you look like a small-town desperate dude.

The next time you happen to be at a Fashion Week, you'll know what they mean when they say:

Hmm... interesting collection
Usually comes from: A snooty socialite who in all probability is the designer's client or the journalist who usually has no clue about why s/he is here.

What they mean: 'Honey it was so bad, I'd rather have kissed a frog' or 'Time to get the hell outta here before they know that I don't know a thing!'

I like his/her designs
Usually comes from: The movie star who was the showstopper for a relatively unknown designer.

What they mean: The guy paid me an obscene amount...what can I say!?!

It's traditional AND modern
Usually comes from: The designer who has no idea about how the hell his/her clothes ended up looking they way they did.

What they mean: I stole my assistant's designs so how the hell am I supposed to know!

The music was good
Usually comes from: Anyone who wants to be polite to the designer whose collection sucked big time.

What they mean: 'Dude, your collection was bad, period' Here, you can also say how the lights were good or the models carried off the pieces 'so elegantly'.

I don't care what the critics have to say
Usually comes from: The designer whose collection has been panned terribly.

What they mean: Er...what do I say? They do know more about fashion than me.

My work was appreciated
Usually comes from: The B-grade movie starlet who has just attended a low-profile show.

What they mean: My film was such a big failure at the box office, I'd have been better off hiding out at home than be here.

The response has been very good
Usually comes from: The designer while giving an interview to a budding journalist who thinks this is the biggest interview in his/her career.

What they mean: I might as well bulls**t. S/he's the only person who is willing to listen any way.

I have a very niche appeal
Usually comes from: The designer whose last collection has failed to make any mark whatsoever.

What they mean: I am no Shahab Durazi. Please, please, please...PLEASE buy my clothes.

I would like to dress so-and-so some day
Usually comes from: The designer who has JUST made his/her debut and doesn't know what to say with the media crowding around him/her.

What they mean: I would dress Lalita Pawar if you want me to. Just write about me!

This is fashion with a cause
Usually comes from: The event organiser who wants to justify the money burning even though 200 people have died of hunger.

What they mean: Dude, does it look like I care?!?