Dr Mahinder Watsa is one of the most well-known sexologists in India whose columns in Mumbai Mirror are as insightful as they are funny.
Naturally when he published his first book, It's Normal, we scrambled to lay our hands on an early copy.
We bring you this excerpt from the book that seems to address a concern that is all too familiar:
Why couples fail on the first night
- Both are tired.
- Both are ignorant and have little information about the sexual experience.
- Both are afraid and anxious to perform.
- Performance anxiety fuelled by his friends pressurizing him to complete the act.
- The partner expresses intense fear which deters the husband.
- Man has found his way to Mars, yet many men have difficulty finding the vaginal opening for the penis.
- Often the problem is ignorance, or mental hang-ups, misconceptions and fear.
Ten years through their marriage, Devi* and Arun* had not consummated their marriage.
'Oh yes, we do love each other very much; we kiss, caress and fondle each other's private parts and reach orgasm, but he has never been able to enter me and discharge inside. Now we want a baby.'
In this case, Arun enjoyed masturbation. He would lie on the hard bathroom floor and rub his penis vigorously to achieve pleasure.
'I don't get pleasure any other way and so, even aft er marriage, I have been doing the same.'
The outcome was a happy one when he accepted that at times, he could indulge in the practice but at other times, he had a duty to his wife.
Some men play out their aspirations to a ridiculous level.
Meena* complained that she had married two years ago and, except for one single occasion, her husband had not approached her, although they slept next to each other and she had tried her best to arouse him.
It was not that he did not experience desire and was not capable because she had seen him masturbate.
It turned out that he had always wanted a partner with a very fair complexion and 'pure skin'.
On the first night of their honeymoon, both had undressed and, while he was fondling her, he had found two black moles on her back.
This gave him a great shock and he now found himself unable to get an erection with her. It finally led to a divorce.
So many men and women enter marriage with ignorance.
Many believe that things will happen naturally.
One smart male, after his engagement, decided to feel his fiancee's parts to verify 'where he should put it'.
Ignorant as he was, he felt her pubic bone above the vagina and immediately told her she had a bone in place of the vagina.
Although she was a nurse, she started having doubts about herself and came in for an examination.
Of course she had a normal vagina and was able to convince her fiancé.
Some blissfully think they have entered the vagina until their wife tells them otherwise; actually, they were having intercourse between the thighs.
Occasionally, everything is set but luck has it otherwise.
After an impressive wedding ceremony and reception, a couple headed to Singapore for their honeymoon.
Comfortable in their hotel room, he told her to change while he went out to take a look at the shops.
On returning, he found her looking very desirable in her negligee.
He unzipped his trousers in a hurry but unfortunately, the skin of his penis got caught in the zip.
After many painful attempts to extricate himself, he called for a doctor who rushed him to hospital.
The rest of the honeymoon was spent with a bandage round his penis!
Misconceptions can play havoc.
There was a young man who did not consummate his marriage because he firmly believed that vaginal hair would entangle his penis and injure it severely!
There was another who believed that because menstruation occurs through the vagina, it is a dirty place and so he dreaded going near it.
What he did not understand is that the vagina is lined by cells which maintain the pH balance and keep it clean.
In fact, experiments indicate that there are more germs in the mouth (transferred by kissing) than in the vagina.
So it can be concluded that oral sex is more hygienic than mouth-to-mouth kissing.
More often than not, it is the shyness and embarrassment of the couple that cause the problem.
No lights, please! So the penis has to find its way in the dark.
The partner being shy does not help.
She could easily hold the penis and direct it into the vagina.
But the female has to be very careful to show that she does not have more knowledge than the male.
In one case, the partner felt her mate fumbling and getting frustrated.
So she told him what to do. Instead of appreciating the help, he turned on her and immediately accused her of having premarital experience.
It finally led to divorce.
In another case, a well-placed executive became very depressed because his newly married wife had fi led for divorce.
What did he think was the cause?
'Well, doctor, my wife told me I was wrong to insist that the right way to have sex was to put my penis in her back passage. I did not agree with her, so she
left me!'
It took two years to teach him the correct way to have peno–vaginal sex. He has now remarried and has two children.
A common cause for unconsummated marriages is the wrong position during intercourse.
Imagine the scene—the lights are out, the couple kiss and caress.
The man has an erection, the female a vaginal secretion.
She lies on her back with her legs stretched straight; he lies on top of her with his penis between her legs, trying to find the vaginal opening.
Often, instead of entering it, the penis presses against the lower border of the vagina, producing pain in the female, and discomfort and frustration in the male.
He often discharges prematurely, ending the episode very unhappily for both.
The problem is actually mechanical—in this position, the penis pushes vertically downwards while the vagina's direction is semi-horizontal.
To bring the penis in line with the vagina, the woman must flex her thighs on to her abdomen and the male should support himself on his elbows, thus allowing the partner to breathe and move freely.
If he is kneeling, he could support his partner's legs on his shoulders and bend towards her.
Thus, entry is in a straight line and easy.
Some continue to fumble and, despite knowledge and instructions, just cannot succeed; the male is then advised to let his woman take charge while he lies down, she mounts him and directs his penis into her vagina.
The lessons learnt are:
- Get over your shyness (both of you) and see what you are doing -- all you need is a table lamp with a zero-watt bulb.
- Use your finger to probe the location of the vaginal opening and its direction.
- See that both of you are aroused -- you with an erection and your partner lubricating freely in the vagina. Do not enter a dry vagina -- it is painful for her and you will also discharge prematurely.
- See that you have a freely moving foreskin. If not, see your doctor.
- You do not need an iron-rod-hard penis pointing skywards; any penis even moderately stiff can be inserted.
- You may need the help of your fingers to thrust it into the vagina.
- Finally, if you do not get an erection, go to sleep after stimulating your partner with your fingers or by oral means to reach an orgasm -- the next day is always there for you.
- At times, husbands complain that their wives do not play a more active role while making love and they are thus highly dissatisfied.
Each couple will learn their own best way to make love but one of the differences they may find is that although most men long impatiently for the moment of consummation, for many women the lovemaking that precedes intercourse, and the joy and peace of lying in her husband's arms afterwards, are equally precious.
Most women take longer than men to become aroused. They like to be fondled and caressed, and told in words too, how much they are loved and desired.
A lack of response can be due to the absence of wooing on the husband's part.
This, too, is a very subtle and sensitive matt er between husband and wife.
Wooing which is done deliberately to arouse a woman sexually often fails to do so, but when it is inspired by love, when a husband caresses his wife because he enjoys doing it, she will be able to respond to his desires.
* Names changed to protect privacy.
Excerpted from It's Normal (Rs 175) by Dr Mahinder Watsa, published by Penguin Books India, with the permission of the publisher.
ALSO READ This interview with Dr Mahinder Watsa
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Lead image used for representational purposes only. Credit: Richard Foster/Creative Commons
