Should Your Fiancee's Past Define Your Marriage's Future?

rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, an online dating app suggests how to handle trust issues while dealing with your partner's painful past.

Does your partner's previous relationship/s bother you?

Or are you someone who wants to be cool but struggles inside?

What do you do when your future partner's past brings up emotions you didn't expect?

rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, an online dating app suggests how to handle trust issues while dealing with your partner's painful past.

• You can post your relationship and dating-related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

Anonymous: I'm in a bit of an emotional storm and could use some honest, empathetic advice.
I recently got engaged through an arranged setup. She's everything I had hoped for -- mature, innocent in her demeanour, beautiful, and emotionally grounded.
From the moment we met, I felt like I'd found the right person to build a future with. I was genuinely happy and excited for the life ahead.
But about 10 days after our engagement, she opened up to me about her past. She told me she had been in a physical relationship with someone before.
She said she was scared to share it earlier, unsure of how I'd react, and that she didn't want to lose me.
She assured me that it's completely over, that she's emotionally detached from that chapter, and that she's fully mine now.
I appreciate her honesty, but I'm struggling.
I feel discomfort, even a sense of betrayal -- not because she had a past, but because I wasn't told earlier.
It's hard to reconcile the image I had in my mind with this new reality.
From what she shared, her previous relationship wasn't healthy -- the guy seemed to have used her emotionally and physically. That adds another layer of pain for me.
I feel protective but also conflicted. I know she's loyal now. I know she's the right person for me in so many ways. But I'm stuck between my heart and my thoughts.
I don't want to punish her for her past, but I also don't want to ignore my own feelings.
Has anyone been through something similar? How do you move forward with love when the past feels heavy?
Is this discomfort something that fades with time and trust? Any advice or perspective would mean a lot.

Dear Anonymous, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I want you to understand that your feelings are valid. That doesn't mean she is guilty of anything.

You feeling sad for being denied the truth beforehand is completely understandable. It might not have changed your decision, but you'd have the whole truth before making this commitment.

Having said that, please understand that it is more difficult for women to open up about their past than men.

The world is full of judgmental people waiting to assassinate a person's character based on a choice they made out of love when they were even younger.

Please keep this in mind every time you question, "Why did she not tell me?"

I am glad that you are neither judging nor taking any rash decisions based on your current state of mind.

I suggest having a few more conversations and open discussions where you clearly express your feelings. It might help you work through them more than you know.

Give yourself a little more time to come to terms with this. See if the conflict in your heart is fading away every time you speak to her.

After all, the past should not hold any power over the present. But even after all of these, if you continue to feel torn apart, I would highly suggest not rushing into getting married.

Consider couples therapy as well.

After all that, if you still don't feel you are completely into this anymore, you can rethink the relationship.

There is no point in forcing yourself into a marriage for the sake of saving face, only to be unhappy.

But I am sure everything will work out soon.

You are already doing very well. You will soon work your way out of this mess.

Please focus on the present and the beautiful future ahead.

I hope this helps.

• You can post your relationship and dating-related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

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