'She Lied When She Said She's A Virgin'

'Give her another chance to explain and gauge her sincerity,' suggests rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, an online dating web site and Rebounce, a matrimony platform.

Is it too much to expect honesty and transparency from an arranged marriage?

How do you know the person you are having serious marriage discussions with is worth trusting?

When you discover an uncomfortable truth about your partner, should you forgive them the first time or consider it a red flag and walk away?

rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO of Quack Quack, an online dating web site, and Rebounce, a matchmaking matrimony platform, advises a young man about how he can approach such a situation with sincerity.

• You can post your relationship-related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

Anonymous: I'm a 30-year-old man earning a CTC of Rs 30 LPA, currently in serious marriage discussions with a 28-year-old woman with a CTC of Rs 25 LPA.
To give you some context, we've met one-on-one more than five times. Our families have met twice.
Our conversations have been deep and transparent on values, marriage expectations, children, finances and lifestyle
We went as far as sharing ITRs, CIBIL scores and investment details.
We both completed and shared full-body health checkups, including fertility, STD panels and thalassemia screening as well.
During our second meeting, we discussed past relationships. She told me she had been in one relationship.
At our most recent meeting a few days ago, she herself brought up the topic of physical intimacy (I did not raise it). I honestly shared that I am a virgin. She explicitly stated that she is a virgin as well.
After this, we got formally engaged with the blessings of both families and continued meeting each other occasionally.
However, during one of our recent meetings, she unexpectedly confessed that she is not a virgin and that she had been physically intimate with her ex.
She explained that when the topic came up earlier, she wasn't comfortable sharing the truth and ended up giving an incorrect answer. She said she fumbled her response to her own question.
Now I'm struggling with something deeper than just the virginity aspect because this was explicitly discussed, not assumed.
She had multiple opportunities to clarify earlier. We were already practising extreme transparency in other sensitive areas.
As a result, I'm now questioning other things we've discussed that I cannot independently verify, such as views on cheating, open marriage and long-term expectations.
I'm unsure whether this is a forgivable lapse driven by fear or discomfort, whether it's a red flag about honesty or what, realistically, she can do at this point to rebuild trust.
I don't want to overreact but I also don't want to ignore this.How should I proceed in this situation?
What questions should I ask myself (and her) before deciding whether to move forward or walk away?

I am glad that both of you have been so thorough and responsible. It shows your sincerity towards this relationship.

Now, coming to her lying... It isn't necessary that because she lied about this one thing, she might be lying about a lot of other things. Usually, women find it difficult to talk about such sensitive topics.

She might have actually fumbled and tried to be in your good graces. Nevertheless, I understand your hesitation about trusting everything she says now.

It's great that you are trying to address it right away instead of waiting till after marriage.

I suggest you have an open and honest conversation about your concerns with her. Give her another chance to explain and gauge her sincerity.

There are a lot of things in life that we cannot really verify but we still choose to believe that it's the truth.

Talk to her and see where it goes.

I would also suggest that you don't be rash about your decision as to whether to proceed or not at all; think calmly and rationally.

In case you feel that you cannot ever trust her and it might become a huge issue later, it's best to reconsider right away. But if you think this relationship is worth fighting for, talk and talk till you are entirely sure that things are sorted.

I hope this helps.

• You can post your relationship-related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

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