rediffGURU Anu Krishna offers advice on how to deal with complicated situations in a relationship.
- Stressed about your relationships? Ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.
Are you confused about the current state of your relationship?
What do you do if someone is emotionally manipulating you?
When you break up with your ex, is it fair to ask her/him to return your expensive gifts?
rediffGURU Anu Krishna, who is a mind/life coach and NLP trainer with over 18 years of experience in helping people understand and solve their problems, is the co-founder of Unfear Changemakers.
She offers expert advice about how you can take charge of your life and relationships.
- You can ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.
Anonymous: We had an arranged marriage six months ago, with a minimal period of courtship beforehand.
My wife tends to insist on having things her way in most situations.
Whenever we disagree, she often resorts to emotional manipulation and I usually end up giving in.
At times, I feel frustrated and argue with her. However, whenever I raise my voice, she gets upset and withdraws emotionally.
She stops talking to me, avoids physical contact and doesn't respond to affectionate gestures like hugs or kisses.
She also refuses any intimacy, sometimes remaining in this sulky mood for days, even weeks.
To patch things up, I often feel pressured to spend a lot of money. Her mood only improves when I give her expensive gifts or take her out for lavish outings, after which she becomes affectionate again.
I've always given in to her demands because I want a peaceful married life. But now, she has grown accustomed to this pampering and starts sulking more frequently.
This behaviour is draining me mentally, emotionally and financially.
I truly love my wife and want her to be happy, but I'm beginning to doubt whether she loves me to the same extent or if she's taking advantage of my kindness.
Please advise me on how to address these issues and create a more balanced relationship.
I want to build a happy married life with her and raise a family in a peaceful and loving home.
Dear Anonymous, you seem to have married someone who is refusing to leave her 'toddler' days behind.
She's stuck in a childish zone where she relents and gives in and patches up only when gifted something; reminds you of a toddler?
You have to break this loop that she has created, perhaps without her knowledge.
Healthy couples sort their differences by communicating, debating and coming to some sort of understanding.
Do not go down the path of whether she loves you or not but be aware that she is used to having her way.
It's going to have to start with you. The next time you face the same situation, what are you going to do differently so that your wife does not act like a child?
How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is doing now?
Move in that direction from the pointers that I have given you and there's bound to be some change; but not overnight... it's going to take some time so be patient!
Anonymous: I had dated a girl for many years.
I had pampered her with lots of expensive gifts (jewellery, iPhone, branded clothes, fancy cosmetics), all bought with my hard-earned money. But her parents brought forward the proposal of a groom from a wealthy NRI family, of their own caste, hence she had to break-up with me and get engaged to him within a short span of time.
I have been demanding that she return the expensive gifts but she's been refusing to do so, without even paying me an amount equivalent to the value of the expensive gifts, I'd given her.
I have all the bills of the expensive gifts I'd purchased for her and also photos/videos of myself gifting them to her on various occasions.
I'm planning to contact her fiance somehow, show him all this evidence and demand monetary compensation from him for the total amount I've spent on those gifts.
Would this be a good approach or would you suggest any alternative means through which I can get back all the money, I'd wasted on her?
Dear Anonymous, you are not serious on getting the gifts back, are you?
Those were gifts given to someone when the two of you were in a relationship.
What was the need to gift her such expensive things? Was it to make sure that she's with you or was it to impress her? That's when it's going to hit you hard and you would want them back.
Being on revenge mode and exposing her is only going to make the entire episode cheap.
You spent time on her, yeah? How are you going to get that back?
How about all the mind space you spent thinking about her? How are you going to free up that space?
Be practical here and be a bit honest with yourself. Your reaction is one of being spurned and rejected and this is your way of justifying punishing her saying that it's expensive, etc, etc. Grow up...
All the best!
Anonymous: My in-laws family are having very good relations with our next door neighbour from the time of grandparents of my husband.
I know them (uncle, aunty, their son, daughter-in-law and a kid) since seven years (from my marriage).
Uncle, who is 26 years elder than me, favours me a lot.
I requested for my placement in the company he is working in. I got the job there just after one year of my marriage in the company by the help of Uncle.
Uncle worked in a very senior position in the company. He was handling both audit and sales department. I wanted to work under him to have great experience. The company accepted my request. But most of the time, he was staying outside the city.
The company arranged hotel for him as well as for a male colleague for back support him outside city.
I requested the company to let me travel with him outside but company was not ready to give separate room for me because of cost cutting.
Even if I pay my expenses for separate room, it will be over budget for me if I spend so much frequently. So, I asked for permission from my husband and company to let me share the room (two separate beds) with him.
My husband believes him more than anyone else. Fortunately, company and husband permitted me to share the room (two separate beds) with him.
Since then onwards, I was travelling with him outside to many cities but I was sharing room with him always.
Uncle was taking care of me just like his own daughter. He was scolding me if I wear any inappropriate clothes by mistake or if I do anything wrong.
He was calling me daughter instead of my name. I feel safe and comfortable with him. He is committed to work in the same company till his death. I committed the same.
From the past one year, there are changes in his behaviour. He has started calling me by my name instead of 'daughter'. He has stopped saying anything if I wear inappropriate clothes. And the biggest thing is he has started flirting with me.
Not the weird flirt, but a healthy flirt. He is complimenting on my looks, my dressing sense, my personality, etc. To be honest, I am still feeling comfortable and safe with him. I am still enjoying my official life by working under him. Sometimes I just smile and sometimes I flirt back (with no wrong intentions). He never touched me with any wrong intentions.
My curiosity is why he changed after so many years??
Nothing has changed in his personal life. His family is well and good. So, what made him change towards me??
I have not told about this change to my husband otherwise he will take tension unnecessary. I believe that it's ok to hide few such things if we are not having any wrong intentions.
I also want to know if I should be concerned about it or not??
I am never going to take any step against my husband. I love my husband truly but I don't know what's going on in the mind of my uncle.
I want to know your view point in this situation.
Dear Anonymous, it doesn't take a lot of smartness to figure out that this 'Uncle' has begun to have some 'feelings' for you...
Oh and the decision to stay in the same room and then justifying as that he takes care of you like his own daughter. You do realise that once the daughter grows, the father also has the sense of respecting the boundaries of his own daughter, right?
And kindly explain this to yourself: There is another male colleague travelling; why can't he share the room with 'Uncle' and you as a woman be given a separate room?
Please come to your senses before your company starts talking about it. And it will not just get ugly at the workplace but also the place where you stay.
PLUS your family is going to have a hard time processing what went wrong with their friendly neighbours.
Be smart, be wise and kindly put an end to this 'uncle-daughter' label.
Understand that he is most likely beginning to have feelings and just out of respect for your in-laws is being in his place.
And your 'uncle' is never going to come and tell you this. These signals that you have mentioned are enough.
- Stressed about your relationships? Ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.
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