You need to regain your faith in relationships so take baby steps, advises rediffGURU Anu Krishna.
- You can post your questions for rediffGURU Anu Krishna HERE.
Are you scared of commitment when it comes to relationships?
Do you have trust issues?
rediffGURU Anu Krishna is a mind/life coach and NLP trainer with over 18 years of experience in helping people understand and solve their problems.
As the co-founder of Unfear Changemakers, Anu offers expert advice about how you can take charge of your life.
- You can post your questions for rediffGURU Anu Krishna HERE.
Anonymous: I met a guy on a matrimonial site.
After falling for each other and spending over two months together, he introduced me to his colleagues, cousins and friends.
When I suggested discussing marriage with our families, he revealed his family wasn't ready despite us being from the same caste.
Eventually, he cheated on me and broke his commitment, leaving me alone.
Dear Anonymous,
He was perhaps only testing you to see how you are in different social contexts and whether you gel well with his mind in all these situations.
He could have been mature about it and actually told you so rather than testing you this way and then dropping you like a hot potato. In all likelihood, he's just using his parents as an excuse to say NO to the alliance.
What commitment are you referring to? Did he promise to marry you? Did you believe that so soon?
It takes a while to get to know someone and develop a level of trust to believe what they say. But you mention that you 'fell' for each other...
Is it possible that you 'fell' for him and he was just testing you the whole time and you forgot to read the signals?
Eagerness to please and be in someone's life can make you drop your guard and not see red flags when you must.
Now, when you say he cheated on you, what does that mean? Was there any formal or informal agreement as a couple? If NO, there is no cheating involved, right?
Yes, you are hurt it's but better that he did what he did now than later after a commitment, yeah?
There are a few gaps in what you have shared but this is what I'd suggest: Please move on. The next time you meet someone, take time to evaluate the person before placing your heart on a plate...
Value and love yourself a lot; that will translate into respect from the other person.
Anonymous: Hi, I had an arranged marriage at the age of 30 which ended within a year as she had a lover and went back to him, in the process took away my money putting a false domestic violence case to claim alimony.
My dream of a happy married life was shattered, I lost faith in the concept of marriage and remained single just focusing on my work. I never had any relationship with any female all through these years due to the phobia that women bring trouble to my life :)
Now I'm 45 and feel the need to have a trustworthy life companion. The problem I'm facing is the trust issues and female phobia.
Also since my so-called married life was very short, I'm not mentally ready to consider marriage proposals of divorced women who got divorced after 4-5 years of their bad marriage since they have past baggage. It's difficult to find unmarried singles also.
Can you guide me on how can I overcome this situation and find a trustworthy, reliable companion for the rest of my life?
Dear Anonymous,
There is no need to jump into a marriage right away, right?
Start by expanding your social circle which includes a good mix of people from different backgrounds and work spheres. You might just end up finding someone who matches your thinking, ideals and lifestyle.
Cross this bridge before you start bride-searching.
You need to get your faith back when it comes to wanting a life partner and in the institution called marriage so take baby steps.
Trust builds over time; give yourself the time to heal while you explore the idea of socialising. It acts as a good bridge between not knowing someone and knowing someone.
The concept of 'dating' will ideally be included here and you might find someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life.
All the best!
Anonymous: Hi Anu, I've been married for 5 years now. My in-laws are loving and financially well-to-do.
My husband and I earn very less as compared to my in-laws, with whom we stay.
My husband is 37 years old and earns Rs 47,000 a month out of which he saves Rs 35,000 (in-laws have told him not to spend on house expenses, but instead save). The rest -- Rs 12,000 -- he has for himself.
I am also working and all my earnings are with me.
The problem is that he usually ends up spending almost all of the Rs 12K.
This angers me as I feel he should focus on saving as much as possible from that.
We have an understanding among us that the expense for enjoyment will be borne by me as his major chunk is being saved for 'our' future.
Am I wrong to be upset with his spending?
Dear Anonymous,
Are you wrong to be upset?
NO and YES.
NO; as you feel wronged that you are the one spending on enjoyment so where does he spend the Rs 12K?
YES; as you have not conveyed it to him or the two of you have not spoken about it earlier. Have you discussed that he must save the Rs 12K?
The key to any solid marriage is communication.
Communicate your needs, wants, desires and values and align them to make the marriage work even as you look at the larger picture.
All you need to do is have a frank conversation. For all you know, he may just understand where you are coming from.
But if he wants to spend some of his hard-earned money on himself his way, kindly let it be. It's the pride of a man to be able to earn and spend without asking for anyone's permission. Do respect that.
All the best!
- You can post your questions for rediffGURU Anu Krishna HERE.
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