'One of the biggest mistakes first-time daters make is spending too much time texting before meeting in person,' says Shalini Singh, founder of andwemet, an invite-only WhatsApp matchmaking community for Indian singles.
Getting married has long been seen as one of the biggest milestones in an Indian man's life, often once he starts earning.
For women, the whispers can begin as early as 21:
'Have you started looking?'
'When are you getting married?'
'There is someone we would like you to meet.'
This has been the reality for generations and, while some things have changed, others haven't changed nearly enough.
There was a time when financial independence for women was not considered essential before marriage. Finding your own partner, rather than letting the family decide, was often frowned upon.
Getting married before 25 was the expectation for both men and women. In fact, if a woman was 24 or 25 and unmarried, she could already be considered old.
Today, the picture is different.
More women are financially independent, earn as much as men in many professions and want a say in when, how and whom they marry. There is also greater acceptance about meeting a potential partner through friends, social circles and matchmaking platforms.
Yet, the pressure has not disappeared. It has simply shifted.
For many women, the deadline has moved from 25 to 28. The question is no longer whether they will marry but why they haven't found someone yet.
So, has dating in India really changed? Yes, but not as much as we might think.
What Has Changed About Dating In India... And what Hasn't?
Indian singles today have more ways to meet a potential partner. They can meet socially, through friends and family, through arranged marriage introductions or on dating and matchmaking platforms. More people are also questioning whether marriage is the only acceptable form of a committed relationship.
However, traditional expectations continue to influence the search.
A man's height can become a deciding factor. A woman's complexion can be judged before her personality is even considered.
People may spend weeks looking for someone who meets a long list of physical, professional and family expectations, while overlooking the qualities that matter in a relationship.
Think about it.
When you imagine spending your life with someone, what do you really want?
Someone kind, happy, humble and willing to learn? Someone who can have a difficult conversation without turning it into a fight? Someone who makes your life feel more peaceful?
These qualities rarely show up neatly on a profile. You have to get to know a person to recognise them.
This is one reason the search for a partner can become exhausting. We sometimes spend so much time deciding what a person should look like on paper that we forget to think about what it would be like to actually build a life with them.
First-Time Dater In India? 5 Things To know Before You Start
If you are entering the dating scene for the first time, whether through the arranged marriage route, your social circle or a matchmaking platform, here are five things worth thinking about before you begin.
1. Understand Yourself Before Looking For Someone Else
Before asking what kind of person you want to meet, spend some time understanding yourself.
- Are you underconfident?
- Do you find it difficult to express your opinions?
- Do you struggle with anger or become defensive when someone disagrees with you?
- Are you so worried about your appearance that you hold back from meeting people?
These are things you can work on.
If you feel you are not particularly good-looking, remember that attraction is not determined by appearance alone.
Work on your personality, communication, confidence and the way you engage with others.
If you are emotionally expressive, you do not necessarily need to become less emotional. Instead, learn how to understand and communicate your feelings without expecting another person to manage them for you.
The point is not to become a perfect person before dating. Nobody is perfect. The point is to recognise your patterns and take responsibility for them.
A relationship will involve learning about another person but it will also reveal things about you. The more self-aware you are, the better equipped you will be to navigate it.
2. Create An Early Filter List
This list can take a few hours or even a few days to put together. Do not rush it.
An early filter list helps you communicate the practical aspects of your life and expectations to your family, friends and potential matches. Ideally, keep it to seven to 10 specific points.
For example:
- Do you want to live with your parents after marriage or would you prefer to live separately?
- Do you want children?
- Is religion an important part of your life?
- Are you comfortable meeting someone who is divorced or has children?
- Are smoking and drinking acceptable to you in a partner?
- Are you open to relocating for a relationship?
- What kind of financial and professional arrangements do you expect as a couple?
These are tangible preferences that can help you identify whether your lives and expectations are compatible.
If you are using a matchmaking platform, these are the kinds of things you should communicate early. If your family is helping you meet people, make sure they understand your preferences instead of making assumptions on your behalf.
Remember, the purpose of an early filter is to help you meet compatible people, not to eliminate everyone who is different from you.
3. Keep Your Dealbreaker List Short
Your dealbreakers are different from your early filters.
An early filter helps establish practical compatibility. A dealbreaker concerns a quality or behaviour you cannot accept in a partner or relationship.
Ideally, identify three dealbreakers and try not to have more than five.
For example, you may want a partner who is emotionally mature, kind and open to personal growth.
The important thing is to understand that these are qualities you need to observe over time. Someone can write that they are kind on a profile. Someone can tell you that they have a growth mindset. Neither statement tells you everything.
Pay attention to how they behave.
- How do they respond when you disagree?
- Can they acknowledge a mistake?
- How do they speak about people they do not like?
- Are they willing to listen when you express a different point of view?
Conversations matter but observation matters too. What a person consistently does will often tell you more than what they say about themselves.
4. Do Not Confuse Texting With Getting To Know Someone
One of the biggest mistakes first-time daters make is spending too much time texting before meeting in person.
You exchange messages for days, sometimes weeks. You discuss your families, your childhoods, your work and your daily routines. Gradually, you begin to feel emotionally connected. You may even start believing that you have found your person.
But you have not met yet.
Texting can help you establish initial interest and arrange the next interaction. It cannot tell you everything about someone's presence, communication style, body language or the comfort you feel around them.
Keep texting to a minimum and use it primarily to coordinate calls or meetings. If you want to have a meaningful conversation, make time for one rather than trying to sustain it through messages throughout the day.
Also, do not read too much into a delayed response. A person may take a few hours or even a day to reply because they have work, family commitments or other things happening in their life. You are still getting to know each other.
Instead of measuring interest by the speed of a reply, look at whether the person makes an effort to communicate and meet you.
5. Meet In Person As Soon As It Is Practical
Once you have established initial interest and feel comfortable doing so, plan to meet in person rather than allowing the conversation to continue indefinitely.
For a first meeting, consider an activity you can enjoy together instead of defaulting to coffee or lunch. A walk in a public place, a small exhibition or another simple activity can give you something to talk about and help you see how you interact.
Choose a public place. Let someone you trust know where you are going. Make your own arrangements to get there and back.
There is also no need to turn the first meeting into a grand gesture. The aim is to find out whether you enjoy each other's company and want to meet again.
When it comes to paying, splitting the cost equally is one reasonable approach, particularly if both people have agreed to the plan. One person may choose to treat the other on a subsequent date. What matters is that neither person feels entitled to the other's money or attention simply because they have met.
Most importantly, do not judge the entire possibility of a relationship on one meeting. Give yourself enough time to notice whether there is comfort, interest and a willingness to know each other better.
Three things to remind yourself when you start dating
1. A Relationship Is Not An Escape From Your Current Life
If you are unhappy with your life, struggling with loneliness or feeling pressured by your family, marriage can start to look like a solution to everything. But a committed relationship cannot resolve every difficulty you are experiencing.
Work on building a life you enjoy and then look for someone with whom you would like to share it.
2.Affection And Trust Take Time To Build
You may feel attracted to someone immediately. You may even feel that the two of you have a lot in common. But trust, affection and emotional safety develop through repeated interactions and consistent behaviour.
You do not need to decide within a few conversations whether this is the person you will marry. You need to decide whether you want to know them better.
3. A Committed Relationship Requires Adjustment From Both People
Entering a relationship means being open to sharing your life with another person. You will have different habits, preferences, expectations and ways of looking at the world.
Adjustment does not mean abandoning yourself or tolerating behaviour that hurts you. It means being willing to listen, learn, communicate and find ways to build a life that works for both of you.
The same effort is expected from the other person.
Ultimately, the goal is not to find a partner by a particular age or to meet every expectation society has set. It is to find a person with whom you can build a healthy, fulfilling and committed relationship.
Dating in India may be changing, but the most important question remains the same -- are you looking for someone who fits a checklist or someone with whom you can build a life?
The answer could change the way you search for a life partner.
