What keeps many people stuck in a push-pull relationship is not happiness, says Counselling Psychologist Arouba Kabir.
It is the hope that the version of the relationship they occasionally experience will one day become permanent.
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A few years ago, if you had asked me what relationship problem is raised most often in my therapy room, cheating would probably have been high on the list.
Today, I think it might be confusion.
Not because people don't know whether they love someone. But because they don't know where they stand.
What Is A Push-Pull Relationship?
One day their partner is sending good morning texts, talking about the future, planning trips, saying all the right things.
The next day, they become distant, withdrawn, unavailable or suddenly unsure about the relationship.
Just when the other person decides to let go, the affection returns.
And the cycle starts all over again.
This is what we often call a push-pull relationship.
Unlike the normal ups and downs that every relationship experiences, a push-pull dynamic follows a pattern.
There is closeness, followed by distance.
Connection, followed by withdrawal.
Hope, followed by confusion.
Over time, the relationship stops feeling secure and starts feeling unpredictable.
Many clients describe it as feeling like they are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Others say they spend more time analysing texts, tone changes and periods of silence than actually enjoying the relationship itself.
Why do couples stay in a push-pull relationship?
The difficult part is that these relationships are not bad all the time.
In fact, when things are good, they can feel incredibly good.
The chemistry is often intense. The connection feels special. Those moments of closeness can make people believe that if they could just hold on a little longer, everything will finally fall into place.
But what keeps many people stuck in a push-pull relationship is not the happiness. It is the hope -- the hope that the version of the relationship they occasionally experience will one day become permanent.
From a psychological perspective, these dynamics often activate old wounds.
People who grew up around inconsistency, emotional unavailability or having to work hard for love may find themselves feeling strangely drawn to relationships that recreate those familiar feelings.
For the person doing the pushing and pulling, the behaviour is not always intentional.
Sometimes they deeply want connection but become uncomfortable when the intimacy gets too close.
The fear of abandonment and the fear of closeness can exist side by side.
How to heal from a push-pull relationship?
The first step toward healing is recognising the pattern.
Instead of asking, 'Why are they doing this?' it can be more helpful to ask, 'What is this relationship doing to me?'
Healthy relationships are not perfect. They have disagreements, misunderstandings and difficult conversations. But they are not built on confusion.
Real intimacy is not about how intense you are. It is more about how consistent you are.
Real intimacy is built when two people are able to stay emotionally present, not just when things feel exciting but also when things feel uncomfortable.
The right relationship is when you have clarity over your emotions, you feel secure, valued and safe.
You start healing when you stop chasing the emotional highs and choose peace and emotional safety.
Arouba Kabir, founder of Enso Wellness, has a master's degree in psychology and counselling psychology.
