ASK ANU: 'She wants me without marriage or kids'

In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier/Rediff.com

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone!

Mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's latest offline session with readers:

PA: Hi Anu, hope you are well. I have a rather complicated question to ask.
I have been in a long-distance relationship with this woman for about two years now. We meet often and everything is peachy.
Now, there is her best friend who lives in the same city as me. We have been introduced to each other for like a year now.
Things were highly copacetic till the best friend went through a devastating break up with her partner of over two years.
Since my girlfriend is not in the city, she asked me to fill in as an emotional outhouse for the best friend.
This led to meeting the best friend over coffee a few times. This is when I have come to realise that she and I are very much alike.
I will go out on a limb and say that she is basically me. We share pretty much the same interests, likes and dislikes too.
She is attractive, intellectually stimulating and is amazingly grounded.
I have come to enjoy her company. Sometimes I end up feeling that the best friend is my soulmate.
Let me add to the mix that my girlfriend has shown displeasure about us meeting and we had mutually agreed to. But soon enough was okay with the situation.
I have always been a man of high morals and I do not wish to destroy my relationship with my girlfriend, nor the bond she has had with her best friend. I want to leave the Girl Code, unscathed.
Only recently I have come to know that the best friend talks to me more, than she talks to my girlfriend. Is this something I should worry about? Please help.

Dear PA,

This is really an awkward situation that you are in.

You surely must be a kind-hearted person to want to keep all your associations happy. But well, you can’t control the way each person in an association will react the way that you wish they would and all will be amicable.

This for your girlfriend seems like a three-way connection and obviously being long distant, it isn’t easy for her to understand your connection with her best friend, who perhaps now sees you as her best friend.

This is getting complicated and before it bursts at its seams, please sit down as three mature adults and clear the air.

You clearly seem to be the favourite for the best friend as she talks more to you than your girlfriend and this is not going well for your girlfriend.

Also, you need to think about where you see your relationship with your girlfriend going.

How serious are the two of you? Are you moving towards a commitment someday soon or is it just in a fluid state?

The shades in relationships are many and each person can be in a different shade at different points in time that don’t match with their partners.

There begins the problem, doesn’t it?

Fix your priorities first, know which relationship occupies a space in your heart which might culminate into something of a more permanent nature.

The intensity with both the associations will vary and well, jealousies and insecurities must be nipped on the bud.

Treat them both with respect like you already are but leading one on and raising doubts in the other will lead to massive trust issues which will rob you of your piece of mind.

So, address this NOW!

Best wishes!

G: Dear Anu,
I have been working since the age of 22 and got into an arranged marriage at the age of 27 years.
Without any support, I could provide a decent life to my family.
My son got married (Court Marriage) with a girl he was in love with. We had no objection to it, but I feel I am being ignored by everyone today.
Wife has taken a different stand and is not ready to accept me anymore.
My son supports her in every aspect and at the same time, I am being ignored. Yes, I did commit lots of errors during the long period of our marriage.
I am 58 years now without having any bank balance. Looking for a job in Mumbai, but age is a factor and moreover accommodation.
I tried to spend time with my siblings in my village, but here again, I feel I am becoming a burden.
I wanted to live a dignified life, but the fact is I have nowhere to go. I am feeling depressed and want to end this life.
If I get a job with accommodation, I feel little relieved and can live. What should I do?

Dear G,

What happened to your money and a roof over your head?

I don’t have any information as to how you have become penniless and homeless.

Also, I don’t understand what you mean that you made errors and that your wife and son don’t accept me anymore.

Does that mean that they have all your money and they have kicked you out of home.

Since I don’t have most of the information, I can only assume that things are not okay financially with you and that you have no place to live.

Maybe, you need to think of about starting something afresh while living with your siblings and then slowly rebuild your life and then move back to the place that you wish to.

There’s a lot of demand for freelancing experts, consultation experts and given your age, you might want to consider these options to start out somewhere.

The world is well connected; get on social media business platforms where you can even put out a request that you are looking to be hired.

Move away from feeling sorry for yourself and pick up the pieces; there is hope when there is a conviction to change what the situation is.

All the best!

PJ:Hi
I loved a girl from a long time since we were in college days. The girl’s father always neglected their family and used to pass judgement on every situation. I proposed and she accepted the proposal reluctantly, I guess. But I loved her from my heart.
I was there all the time with her and always showered her with whatever I had. She accepted my love on one condition that there won't be any marriage between us as she doesn't want to get married with anyone. I thought with time the feeling will change.
Soon after completing education, the girl left me and slowly disappeared from life leaving me in pain and despair. On a good bye note she told me she doesn't feel anything for me but respect my feelings and for this reason is there with me.
After some years she returned and my feelings for her ignited. But she left me stating the same reason.
Once she stated there are caste differences and due to which her mother hates me and whenever my name is mentioned her mother gets anxiety and panic attack. She stated her mother is her priority and she doesn't want to get married but will stay with me for lifetime as she says she respects my feelings and wants to be with me. A good time passed and again she was gone .
She doesn't like being intimate but wants to stay with me. She doesn't like love dovey moments but wanted to stay with me.
I still agreed but yeah sometimes we had cuddling which she states that it was taxing on her and she felt regretful on it but stayed with me as she says she respects me but doesn't want me.
Again she left. I had made peace with the fact .
After few years she came back and begged me to stay with her but while crying told me she wouldn't get married and nor have kids or get intimated. She requested me to be with her.
I agree and a good time had passed. But again the same thing had happened.
After a bit of cuddling, she felt regretful and started staying away but still I guess was with me unwillingly.
I could sense the resentment in her behaviour towards me. I confronted her and she gave the same reason.
Soon she started hating me but wanted me by her side which I too had wanted since I love her deeply and could understand her stance.
I thought gradually the situation will be good. I had discussed her situation and her upbringing with my family too.
My family was ready to welcome her, but her mother isn't ready. I tried making her understand that if would be able to convince her mother, at least I can try but to no avail she refrained stating her mother's health.
Finally I decided to cut the cord as it was painful for me having the person I love in front of me but not be able to be with her due to the terms and conditions.
Sorry for writing such a long story. But this is my journey of 14-15 years so far and I loved only one girl through my life.
She wanted me to stay with her without marriage, without being physical or not have kids. As she believes in being spiritual connection.
At other side it is my family who wants me to be settled and their expectations from me are justified.
I am confused. Could you please help me in this? Did I do the right thing?
I am perplexed about my situation. But yeah with the terms and conditions also I'm not convinced.
I want to get married to her and give her lifetime happiness. But she wants it on her terms and conditions.

Dear PJ,

Are you planning on waiting for another decade for someone who clearly is not interested in a life with you?

She wants you as her support and when she feels strong, she moves away, When she feels that a physical gesture will entangle into a relationship, she moves away.

She certainly has commitment issues, don’t you see that?

So, if being in a relationship or being married is something that has been on your mind, I don’t see her committing to something like this.

If you still feel that she is the one for you, clearly state what you want from her and the connection that you share with her. Wait for her response.

If she has a change of heart, then great!

You haven’t stated this clearly possibly in fear of losing her forever. But what’s the point waiting for someone who needs you as a support and then moves on and acts like you didn’t add any value or you were practically nothing.

Enough red flags or you need to see this into another decade?

Value yourself and respect yourself and you surely will recognise the person who wants the same things in life as you. You know what to do…

Best wishes!

Anu Krishna is a mind coach, author and co-founder, Unfear Changemakers LLP.
She's an NLP Trainer (National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, NFNLP, USA), Energy Work Specialist (Institute for Inner Studies, Manila), Executive Member, Indian Association of Adolescent Health and Member, Quality Circle Forum of India.
She has authored the self-coaching book: The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.

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