They're talking now, we're reporting

First, an apology to our readers, for the recent lull in the Not-cricket News. A spate of silence from the usual suspects has led to a dreadful situation, whereby no crime was being reported. However, this week, the South African cricket board has firmly resolved to return cricket to its vaunted normalcy, and trading on the floor of the Rand-om Money Exchange has resumed. We are therefore able to bring you live reports once again.

First, to the premiere news item of the day. Dr.Hardsell Gives has announced his intention to temporarily withdraw from international cricket. Dr.Gives, you may not know, is definitely not being considered for selection in any game, but he has nevertheless announced his withdrawal. It appears that he wishes to follow in the footsteps of his illustrious predecessor Captain Rand, who was much acclaimed for stepping down from the game immediately after he had reached the point of no return to it. The Stooge Commission has recommended that Dr.Gives be handed the Order of the Day.

National cricket chiefs in Pakistan are up in arms at the proposed ban on South African cricketers convicted of criminal behaviour that has tarnished the game. It is believed that the six-month hiatus, imposed two months after the start of the said hiatus is too short a period. The board has been contacted by lawyers for banned Pakistani cricketers who now contend that their clients were handed cruel and unusual punishments, which are forbidden by the American constitution. A six-week meeting of cricket heads is planned in Hawaii to discuss whether U.S. laws apply in Peshawar and Karachi. A delegation from the Taliban and various intelligence agencies may attend.

Lawyers for the convicted parties, on the other hand, have their own grievances. They are said to be examining whether their clients need more time to enjoy the fruits of their crime in leisure. At the very least, they argue that Dr.Gives must have been given a full six months off, and they vigorously protest his being docked two months of that time, limited as it is. The Queen Commission has been asked to examine whether other South Africans can be given ten-year bans starting ten years ago, to level the playing field.

Justice Queen, meanwhile, is unsatisfied with the accusations of shoddiness leveled at her, and deeply resents the comparisons to India's Justice Chandrachud. In the queen's own words, "How dare you?" Interesting, when Justice Chandrachud was awoken from his deep slumber and informed of these comparisons, he had exactly the same words to offer. This similarity, however, is entirely coincidental.

On the subcontinent, meanwhile, various rumors have been floated that coach Kapil Dev might be eased out of his position with the Indian national team, despite considerable time remaining on his contract. He is likely to be offered a senior position with Milk Marketing Federation's Voluntary Disclosure Scheme. According to new standards proposed by this eminent body, all athletes will have to disclose each year their full earnings from all activities. Calculators that can display up to 17 characters will be made available.

In unrelated news, the former captain and other cricketers have been approached by Russian authorities for help, following the disaster that befell the Kurst this past fortnight. In their attempts to lift the submarine out of the water, they believe that a trial run with a similarly weighty object such as a flooded vessel might be invaluable. It is now proposed that cricketers bundle their assets in bedsheets to simulate the buried treasure. Former Union Minster Sunk Ram has offered to supply the bed sheets.

Other unresolved matters include the question of whether tainted cricketers can be left out of the national side. Lawyers for the Board of Control for What's-This-Game in India are drafting an extraordinary statement to cover their backsides, in the event that dropped crooks - er ... cricketers - sue them. A few excerpts of this document have been released to the media by Secretary LooseLips; these include "you cheated". The CBI has added a rider to the document, which they believe will aid their investigations greatly. It reads "Show me the money".

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Ashwin Mahesh

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