Mitron... What will Modi promise India in Lucknow?

Narendra Modi is set to address a huge political rally in Lucknow in poll-bound Uttar Pradesh on Monday, January 2.
The PM is expected to make some big announcements at the rally, his first after the 50-day deadline on demonetisation curbs expires.
Utkarsh Mishra imagines what Modi will say at the rally, dubbed as Lucknow's 'biggest ever.'
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh/Rediff.com

Mere bhaiyon, beheno

Sabse pehle to main apne dono haath jod kar aapka dhanyavaad karta hoon, aapko pranaam karta hoon ki aapne, bhrashtachar ke viruddh, kale dhan ke viruddh is yagya me mera saath diya.

Iske liye aapko anek anek dhanyavaad mitron, anek anek dhanyavaad.

Mitron aapne dekha hoga, picchle kuch dino me, kaise jagah jagah chaape maare gaye. Kaise poore desh me se kala paisa pakda gaya.

Chahe bade vyapari ho, chahe adhikari ho, ya neta ho, kisiko nahi chhoda. Police ne, income tax walo ne, CBI walo ne, sab jagah chhape maare, aur choro ko, beyimano ko, dalalo ko dhar dabocha.

Iske liye un sab karmachariyon ko main hriday se dhanyavaad deta hoon, jinhone din raat jaag kar is saari karvayi ko anjaam diya, unko bhi anek anek dhanyavaad aur badhayi.

Bhaiyon beheno, aapko yaad hoga, aaj se do dhai saal pehle jab aapne mujhe chun kar bheja tha, to maine aapse kya vaada kiya tha.

Maine kaha tha ya nahi, ki na khaunga, na kahe doonga? Kaha tha ya nahi kaha tha?

Mujhe santushti hai ki aaj main aapko diya hua vachan poora kar raha hoon.

Mujhe santushti hai ki poora desh mere saath khada hai.

Mujhe santushti hai ki aapne mujhe apna sahyog diya.

Lekin mujhe ek baat ka bada kasht bhi hai. Mujhe kasht is baat hai mitron, ki vipaksh me baithe mere saathi, jo poochte the ki Modiji batao kala dhan khatam karne ke liye kya kiya, aaj kala dhan rakhne walo ke saath khade hain.

Main unse poochna chahta hoon mitron, aapki ladayi to Modi se thi na? Aapka virodh to Modi se tha? Aap aaj desh ki janata ke virodh me kyon khade hogaye? Aap is desh ko lootne walo ke saath kyon khade ho gaye? Aap atank phailane walo ke saath kyon khade hogaye? Main poochna chahta hoon.

Mitron ek yuva neta hain, jo kehte hain ki note band karne ke nirnay se gareeb aur kisan bahut pareshan hain.

Arey sahab, aapko pata bhi hai gareebi kya hoti hai? Gareebi kya hoti hai aap Modi ko mat sikhao, Modi apni jindagi bhar gareebi me pala badha hai, aapki tarah lakho karodo ki sampatti lekar Modi paida nahi hua tha.

Aap gareebo ki baat karte hain? Aap kisano ki baat karte hain? Kehte hain unke paas karz chukane ka paisa nahi hai?

Arey sharam karo, sharam karo aapne itne saal aisi sarkar chalayi ki kisan is kagaar par pahunch gaye.

Sharam karo aapne aisi sarkar chalayi kisan karz ke bojh tale dab gaya.

Sharam karo aap 70 saal me gareebi nahi hata paye. Aaj ye sab bolkar aap kiski taraf ungli utha rahe ho?

Main poochta hoon bhaiyon beheno aaj itni badi sankhya me aap log yahan aaye hain, kya aap me se koi karodpati hai?

Yahan sab aam aadmi hi hain. Aap bataiye kya aapne apne ghar me 500 aur 1,000 ke note jama kar rakhe the kya?

Kya aapne boriyon me bhar ke ya bistar ke neeche noto ki gaddi jama kar rakhi thi kya?

Arey pareshan to wo hain jinke laakho karodo chale gaye. Aur aaj ye mujhse kehte hain ki gareeb aur kisan pareshan hain.

Mitron aaj humne Pradhan Mantri Gareeb Kalyan Yojna jaisi yojna shuru ki hai. Is note bandi se sarkar ko jitna bhi tax milega, wo sab gareebo ke utthaan me lagaya jayega.

Maine aapse yahi kaha tha ki nahi kaha tha? Maine kaha tha ki nahi ki aapka paisa wapas laakar aapko doonga?/em>

70 saal se loota hua aapka paisa main aapko wapas karoonga kaha tha ki nahi kaha tha?

Aaj jab main wo kar raha hoon to ye mujhse kehte hain ki Modiji, log naraz hain, aap chunaav haar jayenge. Arey chunaav haarne ka dar hota to aise vaade nahi karta?

Modi doosre netaon tarah chunaav haarne se nahi darta. Aur mujhe poora vishwas hai mitron, ki main aapse kiye hue vaade jab poore karunga, to is desh ke log mujhe kisi chunaav me haarne nahi denge.

Arey main lutero aur bhrshtachariyon ke bharose chunaav nahi ladta, main is desh ki aam janta ke bharose chunaav ladta hoon, aur is desh ke log mujhe nirash nahi karte.

Aur isiliye, main is manch se aaj ye ghoshna karma chahta hoon, ki jitna bhi dhan gareeb kalyan yojna me aaya hai wo sab gareeb yuvaon ki padhayi aur rozgar me, grameen kshetron ke vikaas me aur krishi ke vikaas me lagaya jayega.

Is desh ki janata ko is manch se main ye bhi bata doon, ki desh ko 'less cash economy' banana ki disha me kayi prayas kiye gaye hain, jinke kaaran ab aapko har jagah cash dene ki jaroorat nahi hai.

Is liye jo cash nikasi ki seema tai ki gayi hai ATM aur bank se, wo kuch din aur jaari rakhne ka nirnay liya gaya hai. Kuch dino ke baad, hum is seema ko aur badhayenge.

Main ye bhi bata doon ki abse jab bhi koi bank se 50,000 rupaye se jyada ki rakam nikalega, to use iska kaaran batana hoga. Aur ab samay samay par jayada cash nikalne walo ki bhi jaanch hoti rahegi.

Main aapko ye bhi batana chahta hoon, ki benami sampatti jabt karne aur uspar karvayi karne ke liye ke liye bhi sarkar ne kuch niyam banaye hain jinki shoshna sheeghra hogi.

Aur antim baat main ye bata chahoonga ki jo log imaandari se tax bharte hain, unko fayda pahunchane aur tax me chhoot dene ka prayas bhi is budget me kiya jayega.

Mitron mujhe pata hai, jitni main aapki seva karoonga mujhe vipaksh se utni gaaliyan milengi... Aaj kal inke kuch neta mujhe Gabbar Singh bula rahe hain. Main kehta hoon mitron, accha hai.

Accha hai sab bhrshtachari, lutere, ghooskhor mujhe Gabaar Singh samajh ke mujhse dare. Accha hai ki wo mujhse dar kar is desh ki janta ko pareshan karma chhod de. Yadi aisa hai, to mujhe Gabbar Singh kehlane me bhi koi aapatti nahi hai.

Main aap sab ka ek baar phir hriday se dhanyavaad karta hoon. Aur ye asha karta hoon ki bhrashtachar ke virodh me ye ladayi rukegi nahi.

Aur hum sab milkar is desh se bharshtachar aur kala dhan poori tarah samapt kar denge. Mujhe poora vishwas hai.

Bahut bahut dhanyavaad.

Kindly note: This is a light-hearted spoof and should be taken with an extra spoon of salt.