Notes about some patriotic activities of mine over the last few years:
Back in 1993, the Shiv Sena got upset because Bombay's unthinking suburban railway authorities decided to paint Andheri station green. If you can imagine. Green! That antinational colour! The Sena wanted it repainted, and damned right too. I decided to do my bit as well -- for God, country and the paint companies. Found there was a whole raft of patriotic things I could do to express my displeasure with green. Here's a list.
1. At the time, BEST's minimum fare ticket was printed in green. Travelling home from the station is minimum fare for me. But there comes a time when we all have to ask what we can do for our country. Which I did. I started paying 50 paise more for my fare, so I'd get a blue ticket. Sure, I had to walk back from two stops further down the road, but I figured it was the least I could do to support my non-green country.
The minimum fare ticket is no longer green, but I figured I should keep doing my bit for the nation. So I went on paying the higher fare. Then they made THAT ticket green! So now I'm paying another Rs 1 more and am walking back from six stations ahead.
2. Postboxes come in two colours: green for local letters, red for all others. I boycott the green ones. Any time I write a letter to someone within Bombay, I deliberately and scornfully walk past the green box and stick the letter in the red box. Trouble is, this way very few of my letters reach their intendeds. Also, I was not too happy when a letter to an aunt in Santa Cruz ended up in Santa Cruz, California. But again, I figure this is the least I can do to support my country. And after all, a previous letter to Belgaum had gone instead to Belgium. So why quibble when it comes to patriotic things to do?
3. I refuse to set foot in the nearby park. It has a green lawn! Shocking. Paid a visit to the authorities, asked politely that they spray-paint the lawn. Offered to do it myself, suggested that saffron would be a fine substitute. They laughed at me! Nevertheless, I'm maintaining the boycott. I will not step into that park until they change the colour of their lawn. I've gone corpulent with the lack of exercise, but as they say, it's in a good cause. Besides, I am getting that extra exercise by walking back from six stops ahead.
4. Too many vegetables are green! I've stopped eating them all. Spinach and karela [bittergourd] were OK, I don't like them anyway. But giving up okra, broccoli, cucumbers, lettuce, french beans and many more was hard. My bones are starting to ache, my teeth are falling out and my eyes have sunk deep into their sockets. Classic symptoms, I believe, of scurvy -- comes from the lack of fresh green veggies in my diet. But so what? What's a little pain when you're being patriotic?
5. Threw every single Rs 5 note -- horrid green things -- I had out the balcony into the street below. Nevermore will I pay for anything with one! Though I noticed there was chaos downstairs, all kinds of people chasing down the fluttering notes. To think they would actually be so vile as to use them!
6. Whenever I see a 'Clean Bombay Green Bombay' slogan, I throw my garbage onto the street.
7. Stopped paying attention to green traffic lights. I wish though that someone would explain this patriotic act to the police. They keep fining me.
My protest against antinational green. Applause expected. Seven different measures!
Last year, I got a fresh chance to do my bit for the country. Leaflets circulated in Gujarat calling for a boycott of Muslim businesses. 'Give the traitorous Muslims a taste of patriotism by boycotting them socially and economically,' said one, issued by Chinubhai N Patel of the VHP in Ahmedabad.
OK, I don't live in Gujarat, but I thought this was an excellent idea indeed. Decided to follow it here in Bombay too. And I managed to think of some related things, to go along with the boycott. Here's all I've been doing.
1. The fellow who brings me bread every morning is Muslim. But he comes too early for me to wake up and abuse