'I was living a mother's nightmare'

'Ruksana affected me very deeply.'
'It was the circumstances around her that changed her in various ways.'
'Of course, I carry her back home, hoping and praying from the bottom of my heart that nobody ever has to be in this situation.'

Shefali Shah has always been an incredible actor.

But back in the 1990s, when she was making waves in television serials like Hasratein and Raahein, little did we know that one day, she would be recognised among the finest and most formidable actors of the new millennium.

After yet another towering performance in Jalsa, Shefali tells Subhash K Jha, "It has taken a very long time (for her career) to actually take the shape that I always dreamt for myself. It's been a lot of waiting, but finally been very rewarding after all these years."

We see you give one of your career's finest performances in Jalsa. How do you rate it?

I am extremely critical about my work.

So I don't want to rate my work; I can't.

All I can say is that when I saw the film, I saw Ruksana. I did not see Shefali.

If I manage to do that even in people's minds, then I have achieved what I went out to achieve.

I became her and I think it feels okay.

That's what I intend to do with all my characters.

It's not about Shefali doing this character best, it's about talking about that character, recognising me as that character which is a very big deal for me. I think have managed to achieve this with Ruksana so I am happy.

You play a Muslim house help. How difficult was it for you to get into the skin and mind of Ruksana?

The community that Ruksana comes from is not really what Jalsa is about.

She could be from any community.

I have help at home and they are a part of my family.

I wouldn't be able to go out and work and stay out on long outdoor schedules if I did not have the staff who take care of my home and my family, not just as a business transaction but because they genuinely care.

So to say that I observed someone, it's ridiculous! It's like, have I been blind until now?

Also, Ruksana is a homemaker not only for herself, but also for Maya's house.

Shefali, as a person, is a homemaker. I excel in doing housework, whether it's sweeping and mopping, washing clothes or cooking.

It's a part of me. So it wasn't far away from who I am.

How closely did you empathise with Ruksana's predicament?

The situation Ruksana is in is one that I never ever want to be in. I hope nobody ever has to stand in her shoes.

That situation is what changes how she thinks, how she feels, how she reacts, and the decisions she makes.

Also, Ruksana is a mother, at the core of it. And I am a mom. That's is a very strong emotion.

It's not just an emotion, Ruksana is my alter ego.

Yes, she comes from a different place, she talks differently, she has different worries but she is not a mythological character. She is a part of me.

What do you feel about the equation that we share with our house helps? We often claim they are like family members, but are they really?

Yes, they are family, particularly for working women.

I mean I know it.

I wouldn't be able to run my house seamlessly or take care of everyone when I am on an outdoor shoot unless I have a strong support system at home.

But it varies from person to person.

There are certain people who have been with me for ages, so it's not just an employer-employee thing. It's not just a transactional thing. It has grown way beyond that.

They are a part of my joys and my pains and I am a part of their life.

But then there are certain people who have not managed to build that relationship over years and this is how it happens in life.

Touch wood, I have been blessed with a support system which has been there with me for years, seen my kids grow up and we are a family.

How deeply has Ruksana affected you?

Ruksana affected me very deeply because every time I went on set, I was living a mother's nightmare.

It's a constant weight you carry in your heart and it's heartbreaking.

That's why the choices that she makes, I don't find them wrong. It did not determine the person she was.

It was the circumstances around her that changed her in various ways.

Of course, I carry her back home, hoping and praying from the bottom of my heart that nobody ever has to be in this situation.

What was your equation with Vidya Balan like? The two of you seem to have formed quite a mutual admiration society.

I adore Vidya. Who doesn't?

I admire her tremendously, as an actor, as a person, as a woman.

It has been a pleasure working with her as well as getting to know her during the promotions because when we were shooting, we have very few scenes together. And they were very intense scenes.

It was a grueling schedule in terms of time.

Also, Ruksana and Maya don't share a camaraderie, they are not companions.

There is a bridge, a gap, a distinct sense of discomfort, between both of them.

It's like they are the opposite sides of a coin and don't have a bond to begin. And whatever they share has now broken, with the shards only hurting each other.

So whatever time you did spend together was in trying to find a common ground between the two characters?

We could not spend a lot of time together to get to know each other.

I would have loved to know how Vidya works, but I still haven't been able to see that side of her.

But during the promotions, we got to know each other better.

We respect each other tremendously, and yes, we get along very well.

Among all the wonderful performances that you have done so far, which, according to you, were your turning points?

It would easily be Delhi Crime, which became a turning point for my career.

It's not like I put up lesser hard work before that, but Delhi Crime was my learning curve.

It also changed the way people looked at me.

It changed people's perceptions of me.

It finally put me where I longed to be, into leads and parallel leads, where I am the core of the film and not just standing on the periphery.

What do you think went wrong with your previous Web series Human? It had everything going for itself but still came out a bit sterile.

Really, is that your thought on Human?

I respect your opinion, but I think from the audience's reaction, they loved it.

Gauri Nath was not an easy character to play, particularly the path I took for her.

If I had played her as a villain, it would have been a safe home run.

But in my mind, I was thinking... it's not meant to put myself in the category of the greats but just as an example, what if it was the Joker's mind and Lady Diana's body?

I think that would have been a very interesting way of playing her. She was written like a lioness and I decided to play her like a deer.

From whatever I have heard, it was topping the charts and showing the biggest numbers on Disney Hotstar, so I thought it really worked.

How far has the OTT changed your work schedules? With the three boys -- husband Vipul Shah and your two sons -- demanding your attention, are you ordering yourself a clone?

No, I don't have a clone and I don't think I want one because I want to be everywhere doing everything on my own.

I multi-task and I enjoy it.

I work under pressure.

I thrive on constantly doing something.

Last year was very busy because of the amount of work I did.

I haven't done so much work in my entire life!

I did six projects and that took up a lot of my time and I was so happy.

But all the three boys are grown up and they understand that the lady of the house is working and it's all fine.

Like a lot of women, including me, it's not like somebody put a gunpoint on my head to make sure that the house is running fine. But I take it upon myself, it's my choice.

So if I stretch myself like a rubber band, it's my choice.

How do you look back on your journey so far?

It's been slow.

It has taken a very long time to actually take the shape that I always dreamt for myself.

It's been a lot of waiting, but finally been very rewarding after all these years.