3 Ways To Be A Super Spy!

Bang Bang, at its core, is really an educational film, informs Paloma Sharma.

While cinema enthusiasts are trying to decode the title and the fashion police are issuing an arrest warrant for the makeup artist, Siddharth Anand's Bang Bang is busy raking in money at the box office. 

Since art is open to interpretation, people have viewed Bang Bang in different lights all across the demographic. 

Some see it as the official remake of Knight And Day, others see it as an extended advertisement for fatty foods and super-macho-dude-bro products. Still others, usually those arty types, see it as a documentary about toned, naked torsos. 

However, Bang Bang, at its core, is really an educational film. It is a handbook of espionage (with the foreword written by Johnny English). 

Bang Bang is that parallel universe where Hrithik Roshan's Rajveer turns to James Bond and says, "Rishtey mein toh hum tumhare baap lagte hain." 

Watch carefully and you too can learn the holy trinity of tools you need to succeed at the trade: 

1. You need to be super hot

Whoever said that spies need to blend in and attract minimum attention obviously didn't know what they were talking about. 

If the bad guys can't spot your Rs 5,000 haircut with meticulously highlighted blond curls in a lower middle class neighbourhood, then what is the point of your existence? How else will they know that you're the one they have to chase and shoot at  (and miss every darn time)? 

Don't even bother showing up for auditions...err... recruitment if you aren't packing three pairs of rock hard, finely chiselled abs. 

Abs are an essential survival tool in espionage. You can successfully honey trap with them. Or distract the bad guys by taking off your shirt.

Or, if you're the hero of the film and your abs are hard enough, you can even repel bullets with them. 

2. You need to be super rich.

So you're on the run with an innocent girl (who you've drugged, by the way) and the whole world is looking for you. Where do you go? 

To an exotic, abandoned island, duh! 

Of course it's your hideout. Why wouldn't it be?

You can obviously afford to maintain a private island with your government job's salary (and the part time modelling that you do on the side, but that's hush hush). 

Not only are you Lord and Emperor of this island, but you also have 10 other hideouts. I'm guessing none of them involve hiding under the rotten wooden floors in the cold, mosquito-infested muck of a tropical nation.

Also, you're going to need money for all the pizza you'll be eating throughout the film...err...assignment. 12.5 per cent VAT on already shrinking pizza portions is too much for even a rich guy to be able to afford on a regular basis. 

Furthermore, it is important to remember that real estate isn't going to be your only expense. You'll also have to pay for designer tuxedos, branded sunglasses and shoes, those luxury watches you flaunt ever so often and don't forget that, that hair needs maintenance. 

The island's humidity is disastrous for curls, ya know? 

3. You need to be know your monologue. 

It doesn't matter if you weren't briefed, it doesn't matter if you weren't there or if you didn't watch the video from the CCTV (if there was one).

The bottom line is that you have to know the monologue your deceased brother delivered when the world's most wanted terrorist shot him and burned him alive because how else are you going to accomplish your mission? 

Sure, you can track your brother's killer down. You can kill his most trusted lieutenants, blow up a few clusters of henchmen here and there. You could even destroy his hideout (aka that castle somebody sold him for cheap because it was in the middle of a sea of sand) by carrying out Operation Desert Storm single-handedly. 

But will all those actions have any meaning unless the villain knows what he's paying for? 

For the B-list spies, maybe.

But not for you. 

Only when you deliver the same monologue that your brother did, when he was dying, will you be able to meaningfully accomplish your mission.

You see, any James or Johnny can just kill the bad guy. But only one six-pack sporting, high fashion-wearing, brand endorsed spy can do it in style.