Kaizad Gustad, please explain Boom!

Boom should have, by rights, been called Doom.

Here's a word of caution: if you want a good story, Boom is not your film. Just be prepared for a skin fest and language strong enough to shock a few shipfuls of sailors.

Fashion victims -- or shall we call them semi-nudes? -- Anu 'strictly OK' Gaekwad (Madhu Sapre), Sheila 'oozing heat' Bardez (Padma Lakshmi) and Rina 'hot 'n' cute' Kaif (Katrina Kaif) set the story rolling with a catfight on the ramp. With another model who is hiding diamonds belonging to the underworld -- represented by Jackie Shroff (Abdul 50/50), Jaaved Jaaferi (Boom Shankar), Gulshan Grover (Medium Mia) and Amitabh Bachchan (Bade Mia) -- in her hair.

More on rediff.com! Review: A lot of skin, no Boom! Be as sexy as Urmila! Images: Madhuri's sexy moves!

As a result of this momentous catfight, the diamonds fall off her hair. And the media and the audience pounce upon them.

The dons, on the other hand,  pounce on Anu, Sheila and Rina, and demand  they return the diamonds -- a decision that I could not really figure out.

What follows next is something best understood by the filmmaker. I am only an average Joe. I wouldn't be expected to understand the finer nuances of Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. According to C, by the way, the models have to rob a bank.

These plans also include innumerable trips to Dubai.

The only person worth watching in this skin flick is Jaaferi. As for the rest of the performances, they are best not spoken about.

But how can I forget Bo Derek? The former Hollywood pinup is only required to reprise the famed beach sequence from her movie, 10. Boom's makers choose to have her running out of the water in a sari. Considering the rest of the bikinied bodies on display, she might as well have worn one too.

In sum, I'd sooner rate Boom as the Worst Film of the Year.