These days I am working on getting my name onto a list, which will allow me to escape the serpentine queues outside various airports to clear security checks.
This way, I hope to save at least 30 minutes by sending my flunkey half an hour earlier to check me in and stand outside - against the rules - with my boarding pass in hand. It will also save me the embarrassment of standing in security lines with commoners.
This list - which gives exemption from pre-embarkation security checks at civil airports - is maintained by the Bureau of Civil Aviation Security and was recently amended to include several new categories of VIPs and VVIPs, taking the total number to 31. The categories, which when multiplied by the number in each category (barring the 31st, on which I will elaborate later), add up to several thousand people.
This kind of laxity in security - on the pretext of special privileges to certain people - is primarily an Indian sub-continent aberration. Very few developed countries take any kind of risks with air security and tend to treat their VIPs like regular human beings, something at least the Indian VIPs cannot fathom or tolerate.
Apparently, the most recent amendment was at the behest of the chiefs of staff, holding rank of full general or equivalent rank. There had been "murmurs" among the chiefs of the Army, Navy and Air Force of how they were subjected to security checks "not taking into account their position".
I don't mean to be disrespectful but by the virtue of their position, they ought to be the first ones to insist that everyone goes through the mandatory security checks. The civil aviation minister, Praful Patel, apparently justified the extension on the grounds that it was "absolutely appropriate" that the people who defended the country's borders should not be going through security checks.
Why ever not? One cannot fathom the logic behind this. Does guarding the country's borders put one above the law? In that case, there's a case for millions of Indian army soldiers - especially those who actually stick their necks out at the borders - to be accorded the same privilege.
One can understand the need for cricketers, famous actors and actresses and other such categories to avoid the general public, lest they be mobbed and harassed constantly by adoring fans. But I don't think very many lieutenant governors or deputy chief ministers risk such adulation from the public. When was the last time someone chased, say, Sushil Kumar Modi (deputy chief minister of Bihar) for his autograph or even a handshake?
I can also understand those who face a threat to their lives being asked to avoid the general queues. In countries like Dubai for instance, metal detectors are placed in the VIP lounges, which the VIPs unobtrusively walk through. They are VIPs so they do get some privilege but not at the risk of national security.
In India, in many cases, the VIP is not even a recognisable face (who will recognise, for instance, the Comptroller and Auditor General of India?). It is only because his office and public relations officers have been sent to create a flurry prior to his arrival to ensure that the "sahib" doesn't face any of the inconveniences the public does.
This sad attitude has spilled over to many public sector chiefs - chairmen of SAIL, BHEL, OIL and so on and bank chiefs - who can't seem to bear the indignity of either checking in or being frisked. If you spot one at an Indian airport, you immediately know that he's someone, by the number of people he's surrounded by and his own self-created halo.
I find it amusing that the list also includes ambassadors of foreign countries, charge d'affaires, high commissioners and if you please their spouses, a courtesy almost all other countries fail to reciprocate.
Let alone reciprocate, some developed countries have in the past behaved as if our ministers were just like any other human being. If I remember correctly, the uncouth Americans even asked our then defence minister George Fernandes - to his utter horror - to take off his shoes in a rigorous security check at one of their airports. It took Fernandes a while to recover.
Interestingly, there is a category in the list - the 31st to be precise - which mentions one individual by name and by virtue of his unique position (the de facto prime minister's son-in-law). So, Robert Vadra is exempt from pre-embarkation security checks at civil airports across India "while traveling with SPG protectees".
Clearly, there was no way out of this one. It would hardly do for Vadra to stand patiently in long snarling queues, rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi while his SPG protectees (who are exempt) sail through.
I'm sure many will agree with me on this one: someone needs to explain what makes some individuals more equal than others and why rule making in our country applies to all except the rule makers. Isn't it time the leaders lead by example?