An electric current passed through me, and I couldn't figure out what hit me.
For years I blamed myself for what went wrong in my relationship. I kept questioning myself wondering what I could have done to turn things around.
Even those around me would often question my sincerity or commitment as they too felt I could have done more.
But every grain inside my body told me it wasn't right.
What he did to me was unforgivable.
It may have been a mistake in the throes of passion.
One mistake is forgiven by everyone. But for me it was the ultimate humiliation.
I had fought with everyone in the family when I chose him.
It wasn't just a physical betrayal it was something far deeper.
It crippled me emotionally and left me feeling deeply wounded and unable to put back the pieces together.
I was so deeply in love that I stayed in denial for a while.
I confronted him. I tried to reason.
But when you transgress you go beyond reason. He was completely besotted with the other woman and everything around seemed less important and burdensome.
And he didn't want any part of that messy reality.
Studies show that postpartum, women go through a cycle of depression, trying to rediscover themselves after dealing with childbirth and their own changing bodies.
The biggest blow that can come at this time is when your partner loses interest and pushes you further and further away.
There is no intimacy or closeness or even a shared responsibility toward the newly arrived baby.
I never realised that he found me unattractive for reasons that were beyond control.
The drift was not sudden. It was slow and subtle but very real.
I could sense the vacuum but was so overwhelmed with my new role as a mother that I didn't have time to follow the signals.
He started staying out late and had frequent office trips. This tended to keep him happy and occupied.
Yet whenever I asked him to help with household chores or anything to do with the baby, he would get rattled and start blaming me for not being able to manage efficiently and being a typical nagging wife. It was almost as if I was alone in raising the baby.
We had moved cities for better prospects for his career. Which meant I had to quit my stable job and leave a fully settled life in the city I called home to go some place unknown.
But I did it for love. Little did I know what awaited me.
Not only did I lose my independence, I lost everything.
Mobile phones at this time were expensive and not everybody owned one.
Calls were charged for incoming as well as outgoing and even the number of minutes mattered, just like in the days when trunk calls were made to other cities or overseas.
I often found him engrossed in messaging and smiling to himself while he seemed curt and distant otherwise.
It was on one such occasion when he went for a shower, that I found myself reaching out and checking his phone.
Only to discover something that changed the course of my life...
This was the era when smartphones weren't yet introduced and messages were not encrypted and there weren't any complex passwords.
The message wasn't something revelatory. Yet it shifted something inside me.
What had been a hunch turned out to be my worst nightmare. It said 'Thanks for a lovely evening. I really enjoyed'.
Reads like an innocent message. Doesn't it?
However, that seemingly simple message shook me to my very core.
I was trembling for a while, and I didn't know what to do. But I had to pretend to be normal.
I noted the number and wanted to verify for myself if it was another woman or was I just imagining the worst.
I called from my landline and found that it was a woman who answered.
Can't recall clearly if it was later that evening or a few days after, but I confronted him about this and he flatly denied.
He was upset that I pried into his phone. He became cagier and more suspicious and wouldn't let go of his phone. This carried on for a while.
It was an extremely challenging time, and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.
I even sought help from a lady (in another city) who gave some solutions for people dealing with troublesome situations.
I called her and she told me to do some prayers and chant some mantras and apply some turmeric on my forehead to turn things around.
I, who was a confirmed sceptic, followed her advice, thinking it would help. But how can one control things beyond one's reach?
Hell, I even tried to be dressed well, when he got home, so he would find me more attractive.
Sounds cringy, but it seemed like an attempt to save my marriage or so I thought.
This after taking care of the house, the baby, the grocery shopping, the cooking, cleaning, everything.
But he always found something to pick on, he didn't want to be a part of any household conversations or even play with the baby much.
He didn't even give me a second glance. He was in another zone altogether, physically present, but mentally absent from our everyday life.
The situation carried on in a limbo, till one morning he received a message, which I happened to see as well and I confronted him.
This woman was calling him over, as her car broke down and he wanted to go help her.
I reasoned with him and asked him not to go. He got raving mad and told me to my face, that he would go and there is nothing I can do to stop him.
Further still, he admitted that this was someone who works with him and he was madly in love with her.
He also said there was something different and very special about her and that he got pulled into it despite himself.
The words poured out of him as if nothing else mattered.
An electric current passed through me, and I couldn't figure out what hit me.
I felt paralysed and completely taken aback with his brazen acceptance...
Feature Presentation: Ashish Narsale/Rediff