Listening to her and showing appreciation can improve your connection, suggests rediffGURU Kanchan Rai.
Is your spouse growing distant from you?
Are you struggling to manage work-related stress?
How to deal with unrealistic expectations from parents and peers?
rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, relationship coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, urges you to talk about your problems so you can seek solutions and transform your life.
Anonymous: Hello, I am a 43-year-old male with two kids, married for the last 13 years.
My wife is very good at housework and takes care of my kids...she loves me a lot but mostly she shows us that she is doing us a favour by doing all this.
Many times she stops talking and behaves like she doesn't care about anyone.
If I ask something she replies rudely. I am fed up of all this behaviour.
I do maximum efforts to make her happy but can't understand what is the issue with her.
If I talk about her behaviour she blames me for everything. I want to be happy with my family, pls suggest.
I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you're facing in your marriage.
It sounds like despite your wife’s efforts in taking care of the household and the children, her behaviour is causing significant stress for you.
Your wife's actions might be influenced by feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated.
Managing the home and caring for the kids can be exhausting, and your wife might feel like her efforts go unnoticed.
This can lead to frustration and the impression that she's doing everything as a favour, resulting in her becoming distant or irritable.
Try to talk with her during a calm moment, expressing your concerns without placing blame.
You might say, "I've noticed you seem stressed lately. I want to understand how you're feeling and see how I can help."
Listening to her and showing appreciation for her work can help alleviate some of her stress and improve your connection.
If these conversations don't lead to improvement, consider seeking help from a professional counselor. They can facilitate better communication and help both of you address deeper issues.
Your goal is a happy and supportive family environment. Working together with empathy and understanding can help you both move towards a more fulfilling relationship.
If you continue to struggle, don't hesitate to reach out for support from professionals or loved ones. Your effort and commitment are crucial steps toward finding a solution.
Anonymous: Dear Kanchan Mam, I have a very close friend who is been married for 10 years and with two kids -- an 8-year-old daughter and a one-year-old son. His wife whom he loved and trusted so much has cheated on him with one of her friends for almost three years which he came to know about recently.
He could not digest that. He thought of divorcing her but thinking about his children's future he changed his mind and told her to end all communication with her affair partner. She too agreed.
My friend didn't mention this to anyone including her parents whom he respects a lot because he didn't want to hurt them. But after three months he came to know that his wife is still in contact with her friend using another phone without his knowledge and her affair also has not stopped.
This time he said he couldn't tolerate and told this to her parents and told them that he would be filing for divorce.
Her parents are begging him not to do so and telling him to give her one last chance as they would mend her this time.
He told them that even after giving her a chance to mend herself she had cheated him and broken his trust. He says he cannot live with her without trust.
So he has decided to move on but his wife is telling him she will have no other choice but to commit suicide if he doesn't forgive her and has even threatened to commit suicide along with his children.
She has attempted a couple of times too.
My friend is in depression. He says he is also worried about his children's future without their mother.
At the same time he says he cannot imagine living with his wife again as before after being cheated on twice...He is asking me for advice. I am totally confused.
Kindly advise the pros and cons of 1. forgiving her once again and living in a trustless marriage and 2. moving on and finding someone more trustworthy. 3. If he decides to marry another person how will this impact his children?
He is not interested in continuing with his wife but only for the sake of kids and because of his wife's and her mother's pressure he says he cannot initiate divorce proceedings.
Kindly help me to advise my friend suitably.
I understand how incredibly difficult this situation must be for your friend, and it's clear that he's grappling with some profound and painful decisions.
Let's explore the potential paths he might take, keeping in mind the need for empathy and understanding for everyone involved.
If your friend chooses to stay and forgive his wife again, it might provide immediate stability for the children.
They would continue to have both parents in their daily lives, which can offer a sense of security and normalcy. However, it's essential to acknowledge the immense challenge of living in a relationship where trust has been deeply broken.
Trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship, and without it, he might find himself constantly anxious and emotionally strained.
This ongoing tension could create a stressful environment for both him and his children.
If there's any hope for this path, it would require significant commitment to rebuilding trust and possibly professional counseling to navigate the healing process.
Deciding to move on and possibly seek a new, trustworthy relationship could ultimately lead to a happier and healthier future for your friend.
This path respects his emotional needs and acknowledges that rebuilding trust with his current partner may not be feasible. Moving on offers a chance to start anew and find fulfillment in a relationship built on mutual respect and honesty.
However, divorce is a major life transition that will significantly affect the children.
They'll need time and support to adapt to the changes in their family dynamics. This process can be emotionally and legally challenging, but it might be necessary for your friend to find peace and stability. His wife's threats are deeply concerning and must be taken seriously.
Ensuring everyone's safety is paramount, and professional help may be needed to manage these threats.
Introducing a new partner into his children's lives is a delicate process.
Initially, they might feel confused or insecure about the changes. However, with careful handling and sensitivity, a new, loving relationship can eventually provide them with a positive and nurturing environment. It can show them that it's possible to overcome difficult circumstances and find happiness and stability again.
Encouraging your friend to seek professional counseling can provide a safe space for him to process his emotions and support his children through these transitions.
Consulting a lawyer will help him understand his rights and ensure that appropriate measures are in place to protect his and his children's safety, especially given his wife's threats.
Leaning on trusted friends and family can offer much needed emotional support and practical advice. This is a time for him to draw on his community for strength and guidance.
Your friend's priority should be the well-being of his children and his own emotional health.
Whether he chooses to stay and work on rebuilding the marriage or decides to move on, it's crucial that he feels supported and safe in his decision. He doesn't have to face this alone, and with empathy, professional help, and the support of loved ones, he can navigate this challenging time and find a path forward that leads to peace and happiness.
Being there for him as a compassionate friend during this time is invaluable. Your support and understanding can make a significant difference as he navigates these difficult choices.
Harshita: I am a NEET aspirant in class 11 and I want to take a single room on rent for preparation because I don't want any disturbance but my family is not allowing me to do so because I am a girl and I can't live alone in the rented room.
Also, they are not allowing me to join the hostel, and at home, I can't able to focus because of guests gathering in this relation, my parents said that I have to endure and live at home even though my home doesn't have a separate room for me. They said that we have a joint family and you can't tell someone not to come home.
I don't know why it's really hard for me to prepare from home with so many distractions. I don't know what to do and I am frustrated because of this but they are not ready to listen because they think they are always correct. They never try to understand me.
Dear Harshita, Best of luck with your exams!
Balancing your preparation for such a demanding exam like NEET with the dynamics of living in a joint family can be incredibly tough, especially when you don’t have a quiet space to focus.
Your desire to have a dedicated and peaceful study environment is completely understandable, and it's frustrating when you feel your needs aren't being acknowledged.
NEET preparation requires a lot of concentration and consistency, and it's clear you're trying to set yourself up for success by seeking a quiet place to study.
It seems your family's concerns are rooted in traditional views about safety and the roles of girls, which can be a difficult barrier to navigate. They want to protect you, but their protective instincts are clashing with your need for independence and a conducive study environment.
It's also challenging because their stance seems inflexible, leaving you feeling unheard and unsupported.
In situations like this, it can help to approach the conversation from a place of understanding.
Try to express your needs calmly and clearly, showing that you understand their concerns but also need their support to achieve your goals. Perhaps you could propose a compromise, such as finding a nearby library or study centre where you can go daily, which might address their safety concerns while providing you with the quiet space you need.
Another approach could be suggesting study times at home when the house is quieter, or discussing with family members the importance of creating a study-friendly environment for you. Sometimes, explaining how critical this phase is for your future might help them see the importance of supporting your study needs.
It's also essential to manage your frustration and stress levels.
Finding small moments of peace, practicing relaxation techniques, or even reaching out to friends who are supportive can provide some emotional relief.
Remember, you're striving for something significant, and your determination is commendable.
Continue to seek ways to communicate effectively with your family and look for any potential middle ground that can help you focus on your studies while respecting their concerns.
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