An open and direct conversation is the only way to deal with a marital problem but choose the right time and place to address the issue, advises rediffGURU Ravi Mittal.
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rediffGURU Ravi Mittal is the CEO and founder of QuackQuack, an online dating platform. He is an expert on dating and relationships.
Anonymous: My husband loves his office more than me.
He works long hours and spends his weekends organising trips and lunch dates with colleagues.
He is always away from home.
Whenever I ask him, he says networking is important to him and this is what keeps him happy.
Since he is always away from home, I feel very lonely at home. We hardly get any time together.
Is it wrong to expect your partner to spend time with his wife and family?
Whenever we have this conversation at home, it leads to arguments. How can I address this correctly?
Dear Anonymous, I understand that these conversations can be tricky to nail.
First of all, I am sorry you have to go through this challenging phase. It is valid to want to spend some quality time with your spouse.
An open and direct conversation about the issue is the only way to deal with it.
Choose the right time and place to address the issue.
Don't bring up the topic as soon as he is back from office. He'd be tired and it would make you look like the bad guy even though the reality is far from it. Find a calm and private setting to discuss your feelings.
Use the 'I statement' to express your feelings. For instance, don't say, 'You make me feel lonely because of this time issue.' Instead, frame it like, 'I feel so lonely because of the time issue.' This way, he won't feel attacked and won't get defensive.
Don't say, 'We never spend time together,' because this will be challenged with demands for examples. Give concrete examples of instances when you felt neglected or missed out on quality time together. This can help him understand the impact his busy schedule is having on your relationship.
Now this are how you address the issue.
There's more to it. You also have to acknowledge his perspective.
If he says networking is important, it might hold some truth. Show him that you understand his commitments. This will make the conversation more cooperative than confrontational. Instead of merely complaining, come up with solutions and present them to him.
This could include setting aside specific days or hours for family time, planning activities together or finding compromises that work for both of you. Listen to his side of the story too. Let him express himself.
If none of these seem to improve the matter, I recommend seeing a professional for more structured support.
Please understand that there's no shame in seeing a marriage counsellor. It does not mean your marriage needs fixing or it's a bad marriage or it's falling apart. It simply means you need a little help to figure out certain arenas of marriage.
We all do from time to time. Moreover, a neutral third party, who is trained on this specific subject, can provide better guidance and help facilitate productive communication.
Best Wishes!
Vandana: Hello, I am a 41-year-old professional. I met my husband before marriage through social media 5 years back and thereafter maintained a distance relationship and meeting occasionally for 3 years we got married in 2021. It was a struggle for marriage as it was inter-caste and inter-religious marriage.
Everything was smooth about the fact that I’m responsible for all financial matters as my husband had no job. He is still trying and looking for a job.
I didn’t mind much but would encourage him to get the job to be mentally and physically fit.
Last year we went to his nephew's marriage in his village. It was a 7-day programme. On the second day, I noticed him watching another woman (nephew's mother’s sister who has 2 daughters)
At that time I didn’t pay attention. After 2 days the night of an event, I saw my husband texting from afar but he looked at that lady again. She also seemed to be texting. I became suspicious.
Later that night when he came to our room I asked to show him his phone he was reluctant. I had to snatch his phone and I saw that he was texting the same lady. He had asked her to meet him alone. I gnashed, cried and made a huge scene coz this was not what I had expected.
He tried to convince me that she was his ex-girlfriend and suddenly after seeing her he only wanted to talk to her. I only asked her ... why alone?
He had told me while we were dating that he had a girlfriend (never revealed her identity) and that she had married and moved on.
Feeling cheated I could not sleep but only cried that night and in the morning if we can return to our city. The programme had not finished but he agreed and we left.
Since that night, memories of those days still haunt me; thinking about how much I loved him and how I got cheated. I’m still with him, but mentally I feel cheated and doubt that he is in touch with her.
I am not able to do my duties as a part of my mind thinks he is cheating me. I have confronted him many times on this and he denies that he is not in touch with her Should I leave him or continue with this marriage? We still don’t have a baby.
Dear Vandana, I understand how heartbreaking it can be to find out your spouse is cheating.
I would only tell you one thing -- if the thought of leaving him has crossed your mind even once, it is worth sitting down and introspecting.
If you happen to come to an understanding that separation would be what's best for you, have an open and clear discussion with your spouse.
If he agrees to change his ways, you can give it another shot. But that's completely up to you. No one can force you to give him a second chance.
As you said, you don't still have a child and it is best to decide before there is a child in the equation.
If your husband does not care about it and sticks to his behaviour, there will remain not a shred of doubt that separation is the right choice.
But before all of that, take a beat and think. Not from a place of anger and grudge. Calm yourself and think if you are reading too much into the situation or if is it as bad as it looks. It will be tough but it is important because the rest of your life depends on it.
Best Wishes!
Anonymous: My boyfriend cheated on me so I broke up with him.
Instead of apologising or offering an explanation, he deleted my number. I feel so wronged.
I need some closure. What should I do?
Dear Anonymous, I am really sorry to hear that and you should know you deserve much more love and kindness.
Closure, as important as it is to move on, can be tricky to achieve especially when communication breaks down. There are some things that you can do without having to contact him:
Healing takes time. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. And never settle for anything less than you deserve.
Best Wishes!
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