LOVE GURU: 'We belong to different religions'

Relationship problems? Let Love Guru help.

If you are facing relationship issues -- and if you are in a relationship, you're facing issues -- we have someone you can discuss them with freely.

Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Hello Love Guru.
Let me start with, please do not disclose my name/email.
That aside, I fell in love with my now wife about 3.5 years ago now but she feels like I betrayed her. The problem I created for myself.
When my first girlfriend broke up with me by cheating on me the day she moved away she accepted everything. This was someone who I back then thought was the one and the relationship went on for 5 years. I was down in a very bad way!
I struggled to come out of it for a couple years and during that I found out that I enjoyed any attention given to me by any beautiful girl. Even if the attention was just temporary flirting.
During my single days, while I was struggling with money and keeping a good job I found a girl who I knew from back in the day and she started flirting with me on day 1 which made me smile a lot.
A few weeks after that was the first time I met my now wife and somehow, I knew very quickly that I wanted this beautiful and powerful woman be the one I marry.
What I did stupidly is I thought harmless flirting is a non-issue and continued (only flirting and met three times in six months for food and drinks).
FYI, this girl knew that I wasn't interested and this was just fun and that I had started to feel love for someone else -- there was no physical intimacy of any kind with this girl. We were just going out to dates once every two months and would talk on phone at times.
The moment I realised that things were moving fast with my now wife, I stopped everything and just focused on my wife.
The problem is, I never told my wife fearing she wouldn't understand as she has a very narrow view of a relationship between man and woman.
Then one day, three years later, my wife decided to check my old drive and found backup of my old phone with about 5-8 pictures of the previous girl and me sitting in a restaurant, taking selfies and laughing.
My wife after this reached the conclusion that I betrayed her. My wife knows there was no physical intimacy, she knows she was just a friend but she still feels that I have betrayed her.
Since then she has moved to her parent's house and she refuses to come back with me. She says that she has no faith in me anymore and that I might do this again. She says that I was happier with that girl than I am with my wife.
What do I do? I don't want to lose my wife.

I think this is a massive overreaction on her part.

You met a girl at the side a few times when you were dating your wife. So what?

Yes, I do think it was stupid to hide it from her and you should have come clean, but also what were you hiding exactly? It was a harmless meet-up with a female friend and nothing came of it!

Tell your wife to take her marriage a little more seriously and these silly circumstances a little less seriously and come home already!

If she’s this stuck-up about such small issues, I think she needs therapy.

 

Hello Love Guru.
I want to ask about my ex.
We had relationship for past two years but kind of on and off.
During initial stages we both acted immaturely and broke up but still one of us patch up.
Last time, last year in September, my ex broke up saying he doesn't like my personality and our relationship is unmotivating. Even the previous breakup was by him saying he needs time and space.
Although he had introduced me to his sister and friends, I think he is just been in relationship for TP. When he broke up last time, he got promoted at work maybe that’s why. Currently he said he has quit his job IDK reason and suddenly he realised he took wrong decisions.
I was sure I don't want to give any more chance. So I told him that introduce me to your parents as your GF, not for marriage now. He said he will try but not sure.
I have decided he is free and hence he wants relationship so not moving forward with him.
Please tell me what you think. Although, after our patch-up, I do see small efforts from his side but I was always one who was on giving end.

Your mail is quite confusing in the sense that I don’t know whether you’re currently with him or not; you refer to him as your ex and then say that after your patch-up you’re seeing that he’s making an effort.

Anyway, whether you’re on or off at present, this guy seems rather whimsical. And yes, I think your instinct is right in that he’s at loose ends right now without a job, etc, and wants some emotional support maybe, which is why he wants to get back with you.

I’m not saying don’t give him a chance; you can, if you think he’s genuinely realised that he wants to be with you. But, yes, he should make it official.

And if I were you, I’d be sure of things before getting too involved too fast this time around.

 

Hello Ma’am/Sir.
I, Shivam Sharma. I want a suggestion for the problem I am facing right now. Before that I am going to share my story with you.
It is about 2018 when I joined a gym near-by my house. I got a crush on a girl. She came with her sister and brother.
I used to watch her in gym. Later I found that I love her. I have had her in my dreams.
After some time I think she knows that I watched her in gym and got a crush on her. Then she, her sister started watching me every day and sometimes they smile sometimes they used to make a strange face like angry or something but I didn't understand at all (mixed reactions).
All this went for a long time till 2020 before COVID-19.
I know her Instagram and Facebook handle but I didn’t her send her a request becoz of reputation. Even I can't able to talk to her in gym becoz of reputation.
After that I didn't get the time to join the gym till now.
Now the situation is I joined the gym but still I got mixed reaction sometimes smile or strange or no reaction. I don't able to understand what is going on in her head.
I really want something to happen but in a positive way. I really like this girl I want to spend my whole life with her. I want to marry. I want this to happen in 3 months becoz after that I will move to some other state for my further studies. I don't have enough time.
Ma’am, please help me how can I approach her. How can I make her feel positive or to like me and relationship all. I can't able to understand what I am going to do. 
Shivam

Whoa, slow down Romeo!

Just seeing a girl in the gym is different from spending the rest of your life with her.

Please be a little practical...you know NOTHING about her. So I’d suggest that you make a move to get to know her first, because you haven’t for three years!

And stop building her up so much in your head, it’s not healthy.

You’re obsessed with someone you don’t know. Go up to her and her sister in the gym, introduce yourself and maybe ask them both out for coffee after your workout session and get acquainted first.

You can think of marriage when you’re dating a person, not when you don’t even know her name! 

 

Dear Love Guru,
From where should I begin? It's a rather complex one. Well, I was in a 6-year-old long distance relationship (we met on Facebook) it was a good one and he was the best friend I thought I wanted.
Over the years though, I started seeing a controlling streak in him in whatever I did. Though we were only connected online but applications like Discord, having access to my accounts and passwords became a tool to keep tabs on me.
I had no privacy of my own and the sad part, I didn't even realise it was toxic. He had taken hold of a lot of aspects of my life and I didn't even realise how unhealthy it is.
It was last year when I lost my mother (having lost my father years back) when life hit me.
I was completing first year of my MBA programme when this tragedy occurred. Her passing amidst the COVID 2nd wave was terrorising, to say the least.
Thankfully, I had gem of friends who were there throughout.
It was amidst this that I realised that there was an element of control in the support he provided. He didn't understand the magnitude of what I was going through and always undermined my efforts.
There was no respect in him for me and for me there was no love left (when I introspect now I think I was more in love with idea of love rather than loving him) but I didn't realise this because I was so habituated with him.
My MBA summer internship started and I was paired with this batchmate who was also a classmate. I didn't know him because COVID ensured that first year of PG is completely online.
When I first met him. I found him to be stiff, rude and cribbing. I didn't realise he was an introvert.
Eventually, I started warming up to him with us travelling almost two months together there developed a thickness. We bonded over our shared state, food and sadness of losing our mothers.
I didn't even realise when I started getting attracted to him and neither did he.
But when I did the first thing that I did was to break up with the guy I was with because for the first time in six years I was tilting towards someone else and I knew that this was it for "us".
The break-up was long, tiresome and hurtful for both of us. I hated hurting him but I couldn't be with him and suffocate myself any longer.
We tried to wish each other well but then when has all this been anything but ending up in a train wreck and now we don't have any contact with each other.
I keep him in prayers and wishes because I know he is not a bad human being it's just that I allowed him to walk over me and he kept on doing it without realising what he is doing is mental abuse.
But it's not the story of me and my ex. It's the story of the guy I have come to love.
The rude, stiff and cribby guy… who knew he would turn out be this sensitive, loving and appreciative soul. I got what I always wanted from someone I loved: respect, trust and appreciation.
It's not like I don't have fights with him or arguments but there is a dialogue at the end. He understands where he went wrong and so do I. I am finally in a happy, healthy relationship.
The only issue here is we both are from two different religions, I am H and he is M. This often makes me feel that there is a timer to us.
We are two highly educated people from urban India, completing our post-graduation from one of India's top B-schools with great placements in hand and still the noose of society and religion is tied around our neck.
I try not to think of us in the long term but I am on that side of 20s now that settling down is always on my mind. Especially after losing my parents, I often crave a family that is my own.
There is also a hint of loss hovering over me. I still haven't moved on from losing my mother and I don't think I ever will.
But last one year has been a roller coaster ride with major decisions and incidences. How do I wrap my head around all of this?
Now, here I am between love, life and ambitions. Asking you what to do? Where to go? Which road should be taken?
Regards,
R
PS: Please ensure anonymity.

Dear R, religion plays as big or as small a role in your life as you wish it to.

If either of you is overtly religious and tries to force your beliefs on the other, then yes, it can prove a problem.

If religion inside a home doesn’t matter, then intermarried couples usually have years of happy celebrations together of all festivals, their children follow both customs and everything works out well. And I have seen that happen.

So I would suggest you have the conversation on religion with each other right now, it’s imperative.

And then, if you’re on the same page concerning your future, go ahead and plan it together. 

 

Hello Sir or Madam.
Please keep me as anonymous only.
Let me tell my story. I am 29 now. Work for an MNC for the past six years. From middle class family with big circle.
Before going to speak out on my problem, let me tell my nature, how I was brought up, studies and attitude.
Since we are middle class family with no financial crisis, I never seen ups and downs in Life accordingly.
In the case of studies, I was topper at all levels of education till MBA from reputed institute.
I was like love is trash n waste of time. When I used to hear all love stories, I used to feel pity on them. But I did maintain very good relationship with many, many girls (not GF type).
But now I am going through the hell just because of one girl whom I was forcibly loved her and later I addicted to her with true love.
During COVID I had to go WFH for two years. She visited her granny’s house and stayed back for few weeks. They live in Bangalore.
I have never seen her face or noticed her during the time when she stayed. But she noticed, observed and enquired about me. So once she left to Bangalore, she sent FB request and I accepted.
Immediately we have exchanged numbers and started texting ‘n’ talking.
Initially I rejected her since she is eight years junior to me. Later she emotionally told once as she lost her father very recently and she just don’t want to go into depression again if I reject her. I got convinced and started loving truly. I replaced her father in her life which she used to tell.
One day, she got caught by her brother while she was on call with me. Since we belong to different castes, they rejected me. She got house arrested. There was no connection between us.
First time in life I fell into depression. I lost my job after just three weeks when she got separated from me. I was unable to speak anyone in the world. My family ‘n’ circle was afraid as I may do harm to myself for her.
On December 16, 2021, I tried to commit suicide by writing a letter in laptop to her telling how I was missing her ‘n’ needed her. Took print and left to railway track to die. I took alcohol and was on the track. Someone rescued me and took me to hometown from Bangalore with PAN card address which was in my purse.
Every day I was losing hope on my life.
Finally I got call from her number in the first week of Jan. I was happy and cried like anything with her on call. She told that she would never leave me alone whatever happens ‘n’ who ever tries to separate us. Again, I took my energy ‘n’ hopes back and started job searching.
There was 1 month gap again until Feb 8, 2022.
After that she used to call me whenever it is possible. From March 15 to March 31, she kept fighting with me over call and spoken mercilessly. There was no kindness or love or concern on me.
Again, I lost hope on my life. She kept asking me to stay away from her. She knew that I cannot initiate contact from my end, since she only should do whenever she able to do.
Day by day, I am losing interest on my Life. I left the job. Now I’m alone with her thoughts and words spoken by her.
My family n circle knew all this drama what’s going on. They hate me for losing self-respect for a girl.
But I have never seen that girl as a girl. I am addicted to alcohol, day ‘n’ night drinking and surviving.
I knew she won’t come back if I ruin my life like this by drinking ‘n’ all. But I just can’t control myself over her.
The promises which she made me were gone... But still I stand for her, for what I promised. I begged the girl like anything not to leave me alone. I just can’t digest that she won’t be no more for me.
N number of the times I used to tell her that "You are my first priority over all in my life, like family, siblings, money, career and what not." Most of the times I told her that "I’ll commit suicide for you if I come to know that you are not there for me. It doesn’t mean that I am an emotional fool who does not know how to live or unable to get another girl. But you have such significance in my life."
I elaborated as much as I can. But she never listened me. I am just wonder where was her sweet words ‘n’ promises, what’s the reality now?
I am upset with me -- where was original me and who I am now without self-respect.
My parents ‘n’ siblings are forcing me to give up on her. As per them, she is just a golddigger and cheater without love and trust...
My mind n heart never ever forgets her. Don’t know the future. But many times I pray God to kill me in sleep itself without pain so I can reach Venkateshwara...
Entire world is against that girl, but I am defending her at every passing moment.
Human beings invented many amazing things. My wish is we should be available with tablets or injection which can erase memories which belongs to particular person or for particular time in life...
The real enemy to the human beings is LOVE....
Finally I am just waiting for my death... I knew that she won’t realise even if I die also. But I should sleep forever and ever just because for the crime I did love her....
Dear Bujji, it’s for you. I am also a human being as like U. As like your mother, even my mother has given birth to me.
Finally, no words.... I am alone... Memories are hunting me.... chasing me...
Love Guru, please publish this story as it is. Because someone may going through hell with similar story at least they will read the Q&A as well.
Love Guru... I hate me... I do have all with me -- good health, 21 LPA job now, stabilised family and friends ‘n’ family circle... But this bloody struggling to get her love amongst the 7 billion people on this Earth...
Love Guru, I feel that I lost. I am feeling low... I got cheated by her... Finally I am nothing to her.
Dear readers, don’t think that why this fool is suffering for a girl like this.... I have seen her my GODDESS...
Thank you... Have a nice day…

You’ve needlessly wound yourself up over a silly girl.

You don’t even sound like you’ve had a physical relationship, it was only long distance, so what are you getting so out of joint for? A few intimate conversations with someone who said one thing but meant another?

If things in your life are spiralling so much out of control, I’d suggest therapy.

Stop drinking before it becomes a real problem. It sounds like you’re doing this to yourself deliberately, so that you receive some attention from her.

But the more you do this, the worse the situation will get. And no woman wants an out-of-control, desperate, alcoholic lover!

For heavens’ sake, man, get a hold of yourself and, if you can’t, then get the professional help you need. 

• Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

 

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This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

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Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.