LOVE GURU: 'She's particular about secrecy'

Relationship problems? Let Love Guru help.

If you are facing relationship issues -- and if you are in a relationship, you're facing issues -- we have someone you can discuss them with freely.

Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Dear Love Guru,
Please keep me anonymous.
I am a 45 years old married male. Ours was an arranged marriage.
My spouse as well as my in-laws have cynical attitude towards life. They are always abusive towards everyone at their back even.
Earlier, I used to take it lightly and also tried to make my wife understand that there are good people also in the world.
I also used to think that she may not be having the same attitude at least towards me but I was wrong. I always did my best whenever she was in trouble or otherwise, be it in her social, professional or medical needs but instead of acknowledging she always found some ulterior motive of mine.
She acts sweet whenever she wants anything or to get things done from me otherwise she becomes abusive. Moreover, since beginning she discusses everything over phone with her mother and acts as per her guidance.
I don't think that anything whatever happens in between us be it good or bad or in our house is not known to her mother. Whenever we have any quarrel she immediately calls her mother and tells her only her side of the things and uses abusive words for me.
I have even requested her that even if she feels like calling her mother to lighten up, she may do it, but at least in privacy so that I should not hear the words she uses.
But, now after 14 years I am getting fed up and don't feel like being with her. I am continuing because of my daughter as separation may affect the child.
We no longer share any emotional or physical intimacy. I am exhausted. Please advise. 
Regards,
Anonymous

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

Hi Love Guru,
I am in a bit of a pickle and would highly appreciate your advice.
My love story in short:
Me and my girl are in relation from our college days and are of different caste and girl’s family are in no way interested to entertain our love.
They got her married to a person of their choice and moved to US. She has been married for four years as of today.
Right after marriage she moved to the US. She used to message me and wanted to be in constant touch to know how I was doing and all. I kept mum and ignored her for a good part of a year.
Later I budged in and responded to her messages and started talking not regularly but once or twice a month.
Then she came to India, we both met and at no point of time in our relation and till this date we were physically involved with each other.
So recently her husband got hold of her WhatsApp chats in which  she expressed she didn't want to go back to US and how she loved me, she missed me and all, and all the chats that showed that we met each other.
Now they are going back to US and the husband doesn't want to involve parents so right now divorce is not what they are seeing but might consider after few months depending on how things go.
I am stuck here and not sure about her whereabouts and her situation. The feeling that this has happened because of me is killing me. If things go bad she might end up losing all her family and no one to care for her.
Looking forward for your advice.
Thanks a ton!!

You’re having an affair with a married woman, but that’s on both of you, not just you. She should have stood up to her family instead of getting married against her will.

It’s a good thing there are no children in the picture yet, or the situation would get even messier.

Forget what her husband decides, why won’t she just decide what she wants to do with her life and leave him? What’s the point of her going back to the States?

She should start thinking for herself and do the needful before the situation goes from bad to worse.

If her family has any sense, they will accept her decision and stand by her. And if they don’t, well, she’s got you, hasn’t she? 

Dear Love Guru,
First of all, I want to stay pretty anonymous.
Secondly, it feels weird to discuss it with an unknown individual and never did I in my wildest dream thought that I would be seeking an advice.
However, here I am... 
The story starts when I met this individual in the UAE who is originally from UP, Saharanpur.
This guy initially tried to get closer to me as much as he could and once he succeeded by becoming my close one, we just hit off pretty well. It went to point of engagement Roka. I wasn't there in India for Roka. It happened with him, his family and my parents.
Everything was dreamy and nice until he started changing his behaviour towards my parents and then me, he was abusing me with money.
He put me into credit card debts. I was feeling horrible. I started to revoke his access to my card, my everything, and I decided to call it a quit. In return when he understood that I am going to dump him he played his cards.
As he couldn't find any cheating in my case when I was with him he decided to dig my past and started torturing me.
He created a story to humiliate me at the work place and in front of people. He turned the tables by stating that I'm not dumping him rather he is.
It was so heartbreaking for me.
I left my job I left my life in the UAE all coz of this guy.
And now after 2 months he is keeping an eye on me through to social media. Also he is trying to contact me by asking how I am. I don't understand what he wants and I am unable to recover. 
Seeking your help. 
Thanks. 

Cut. Him. Off. Completely.

Block him on social media and on your cellphone. And your parents’ cellphones and their social media as well.

The guy is a con and you know it.

You should not have let his stupid rumours cost you your job and your life abroad. The truth of a situation always lets itself be known sooner or later and sometimes you have to brave it out.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but you should freeze him out completely.

If you need to talk to someone about this at length, counselling may help.

Dear Love Guru,
I’m 74. I loved a girl 50 years back, two years younger to me. She doesn’t know about my love.
We married different persons in our 20s. Both are now well settled.
Her only daughter in US. She is at Chennai, no financial problems and myself at Mumbai.
She is widow for the past 13 years.
My 46 years marital relationship with my wife is not that good. We always quarrel. We have two highly educated children, a daughter and a son, well settled.
I was chasing my GF’s whereabouts and finally I got her two years back.
I visit her Chennai home every month for a week and I secretly married her also in her house, on day one of our meeting.
I have told about this to my wife also. Since then I’m in hell.
My friend wants me to keep our relationship always in secret, which I don’t want. An open person like me, who rarely speaks lies, doesn’t like this. She’s very particular about the secrecy of our relationship.
What shall I do?

Does she want to keep it a secret because you’re married or because she doesn’t think it’s a good look for her to be remarried?

If you want to live your life out in the open, I can understand; but the first thing to do in that case is file for divorce from your current wife.

You can then be with your ladylove permanently. And it’ll be a respectable, honest relationship so she won’t want to hide it anymore. 

Hello.
I want my crush back.
He has a lot of issues and actually I really don’t know if he loves me or not.
He confessed about I love you but after drink.
He is also have one crush.  They both are good friends.  But what about me?

If he has a lot of issues, I’d suggest you move on.

Such partners are always a headache in the long run. Find someone who doesn’t need to be coaxed into being with you! 

• Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Please note: All content and media herein is written and published online for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice. It should not be relied on as your only source for advice.

Please always seek the guidance of a qualified professional with any questions you may have about your relationships. Do not ever disregard the advice of a qualified professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read herein.

If you choose to rely on any information provided herein, you do so solely at your own risk.

Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.