LOVE GURU: Is Sex Talk Bad?

Relationship problems? Let Love Guru help.

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If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Hi.
I am in a relationship since five years.
My BF was very gentle and caring initially but after his financial downfall he became cold and restless. And I had to change cities due to work.
I love him and he tells me he loves me too, which I feel he does.
But he is very ambitious and struggling in his life and is busy planning most days. Which I understand, but it irritates me that we have zero conversations that he starts or takes interest in.
We do discuss decisions and official things a lot, but I am talking about meaningful conversations and couple time.
It’s been several years now and I have to wait for ages to discuss any simple, emotional thing with him. He is constantly on an unending chase.
He lives in another city. I understand and wanna support him but it upsets me anyway because it’s been such long time of chasing simple conversations.
I feel like I can’t hold on to the relation anymore because I tried to discuss this hundreds of time with him but he could never make time to even let me complete.
In fact, he promises me time and conveniently forgets while I wait eagerly.
He is always sleepy or tired by the time I begin anything and then it’s impossible for me to begin, which I feel is disgusting.
We have started having ugly fights and I can’t resist being angry at things now.
Now he has started acting rude and inconsiderate towards me. Though he is not mean to me, he always calls me impatient and kiddish to not understand his situation.
He often tells me that he is not spending his time partying. He is making plans for both of us.
He just has one answer that I should trust him and give him some time he will set everything.
But I feel overly sensitive and depressed and in continuous chase which is very derogatory and bothers my self-worth.
I always am ready for him in every way but here I am feeling choked and he is just not getting it. What should I do? How do I tell him that it is high time? Or am I overreacting?
Please help.
A person in need

The problem you’re facing is very common in long-distance relationships.

You have a need for attention that you’re not getting from him and he’s so busy planning a future that he’s forgotten how to take care of the present.

I can tell you that until he is secure in a job and has stabilised his situation, his behaviour is not going to change significantly. And maybe not after either...Maybe this is who he is, and after the initial spark wore off, this is him.

That said, the distance is definitely playing a role in fuelling tensions between the two of you.

Explain to him that you need some quality time with him and that couples who live apart do set aside a little time for each other despite all the pressures of everyday life.

It’s not childish to expect attention and love from your partner, even from a thousand miles away.

At your end, you can try to be less demanding.

Maybe he isn’t at liberty to chitchat every single day or every couple of days also.

As long as you get what you want out of even a weekly or twice-weekly conversation with him, cut him a little slack. That is, provided this guy means enough to you.

If he doesn’t and you’re second-guessing the relationship, the person he is and your love for him, maybe the headache just isn’t worth it.

You’ve already invested five years, and if it’s not looking bright, you should cut your losses and move on.

Dear Love Guru,
I am talking with 2 females. One is having a very attractive look, another is not at all attractive but she is having knowledge.
I can love anyone.
Whom should I love?
The attractive one? Or the not attractive one?
Thanks
Kushal

Looks fade, Kushal; overall compatibility is definitely more important.

That said, there has to be some nascent attraction to a person as well.

The question is, who intrigues you more? Who do you find yourself thinking of and wanting to speak to and meet more often?

And what kind of statement is ‘I can love anyone’?!

Love is not something you can do; it’s something that happens despite all other circumstances.

Dear LG,
We’ve been seeing each other for a more than a year and are pretty serious.
Physically, there is a lot of heavy petting but he does not want to go to the final level until we are married.
I am more than ready.
How do I convince him?
We should know whether we are physically compatible.
HS

How about that... The problem is usually the other way around!

Not that I’m judging you, my dear, it’s your body and your life to do as you please.

And yes, I can see your point of view.

So why does he want to wait for marriage, particularly? Is he a virgin? It’s a matter of ethics, maybe? Or he just needs a little time to warm up to the idea.

You can tell him that you are only willing to marry him once you’re assured that both of you are physically compatible as well, if that’s how you feel.

One thing I will tell you, though -- do not marry in a hurry for this reason.

Sex is not a reason to marry soon at all. One year of dating, in my opinion, is nowhere enough.

Also, I hope you’ve considered whether you’re be okay to sleep with him even if things  break off in the future?

That is something you should be prepared for, if you’re having sex outside of marriage -- that the marriage may not happen at all. If you’re fine with that, then go right ahead.

Hi Love Guru,
I love sex talk with my girlfriend, but she does not like it.
She thinks it is a bad thing to do.
We are from a small town and she is conservative-minded.
How do I convince her that sex talk is good and healthy?
AJ

Hi, AJ.

I’ll give you the same advice as Anonymous in the question last week; like his wife, your girlfriend is not comfortable with dirty talk because she thinks it’s immoral.

The first thing you need to do is change her mindset about sex or anything sex-related being dirty or forbidden. As long as it’s consensual and behind closed doors, it’s not for anyone else to judge.

You can maybe introduce her to opinions online from sex therapists and counsellors who encourage couples to be adventurous and spice things up in the bedroom.

If, however, despite everything, she’s still not on board, I’d suggest not forcing her.

Dear Love Guru,
I’ve been seeing this really great guy for six months.
Both of us are divorcees.
I am 32, he is 40.
He has two kids -- 10 and 12 -- and shared custody. I’ve not met their mother. Though she knows about me, I don’t know what she thinks.
My boyfriend and I are seriously talking marriage.
We’ve met each other’s families and things are fine at that end.
But I am still worried about the children, whether they can accept me as their father’s wife, how do I become their parent without becoming their mother and how their reaction will affect our relationship. They only know me as a good friend of their father’s as of now.
Am I treading dangerous ground by thinking of going ahead with this?
What if they hate me when they come to know? Will their dislike destroy our relationship?
Please keep this anonymous.

Your fears are well-founded, and yes, I definitely think that before marrying their father, the children need to be informed of the role you play in his life and have time to get used to the idea of you being a couple.

Divorce is hard on kids and the additional baggage of a step-parent is harder.

You need to come to terms with the fact that they may resent your presence and take time to warm up to you. Their mother may also be anxious about the role you’ll play in their lives.

A lot of dynamics are to be handled here and, rather than dive into marriage and tackle these problems later, I think you should tackle them first.

That said, if your relationship is worth it, you’ll both find a way to work this out.

Lots of children share a good relationship with their step-parents.

It will be a challenge initially, but I know of kids who have gone on to have closer bonds with their step-parents than their biological ones.

I really think that to help all of you transition into a modern blended family, though, that a family therapist’s expertise is required. Please consult one.

• Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

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This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.