'Is My Marriage In Trouble?'

Relationship problems? Let Love Guru help.

If you are facing relationship issues -- and if you are in a relationship, you're facing issues -- we have someone you can discuss them with freely.

Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Dear Love Guru,
I will be getting married soon. It’s an arranged marriage and we met just a month ago.
Due to certain family constraints, the marriage is next month.
We like each other. We have met a few times and make it a point to talk via video call every day. But we haven’t even held hands yet.
While I am aware of the physical aspects of sex, though I am a virgin, I am not sure how to approach this whole matter of the first night.
I don’t want my wife to be uncomfortable or dislike the experience.
Any advice you can share will be much appreciated.
R

Hi R,

I think some Internet research on first-time sex and how to please a woman in bed may help you? What to do as a first-timer, what not to do, how to make it pleasurable for her...

Most importantly, be patient.

You’re a virtual stranger to her and she may not be ready to go all the way the first time you’re alone together, but may pressure herself into it from a false sense of ‘duty’.

You mentioned yourself that you haven’t even held hands, so please be a gentleman and don’t think marriage gives you the right to demand sex from a woman.

If she’s keen on it too, good for you, but I’d suggest speaking openly to her about it and looking forward to a healthy sex life based on trust, openness and honesty.

Hi,
Please hide my name.
It’s been close to 10 years of our marriage. We are as such happily married but have our share of fights and arguments.
It was an arranged marriage though we did have a courtship (physically roaming around) of about 10-15 days two months before the wedding.
I have been made aware of a past relationship of my wife. I am okay with that. It went on to the physical levels and I do not as such have an issue.
But now I was made aware -- in general talks -- that the relationship lasted till the last day before the marriage and it was involved to the extent of sharing hotel rooms, going together to different cities -- all these just 10-15 days before the marriage.
I do have chats of that time and I when I showed that to her, including SMSes. She is saying it just happened and she has no explanation. 
I do not intend to break my marriage as we have lovely kids to raise, but I am not able to digest these incidents.
The thing that really hurts me is that she is not regretting this and always saying that its part of her good memories of life. I just can't digest this.
I think I need some help to come to peace with this situation as this is spoiling the atmosphere at home.
Regards,
A bleeding heart.

Dear Bleeding Heart,

I think you need to come to terms with your wife’s past.

The situation speaks for itself, doesn’t it? She loved someone else but was pressured into an arranged match with you. And then proceeded to enjoy as much time with the man she loved before she gave herself away to someone else, who was practically a stranger then.

It’s very understandable.

I get that you’re feeling a little duped, given that she was still with the other man right up until the wedding, but get over it.

She’s been with you for 10 years since then, is the mother of your children and obviously loves you now; you have a happy marriage.

You’re behaving like she cheated on you, when in fact she revealed the truth to you herself. So leave the past where it belongs and look forward to the future.

The only problem here is your bruised male ego.

Dear Love Guru
We are in a live-in for two years.
We entered the live-in committing we were going to marry after one year if everything was fine.
But every time I ask him, he makes some excuse. Even he says because of the pandemic.
I don’t want a big wedding. Even registered marriage is fine.
I asked him many times if he does not want to marry me but he saying I am overthinking.
What do I do? I did not even want the live-in but I agreed because I love him so much.
A

He’s stalling. Ask him why point blank.

Obviously, the living-in part was to see how compatible you are under the same roof together and, if it’s the ideal situation, he should be as on-board as you.

And yes, plenty of people are registering their marriages during lockdown and holding receptions after so that can’t be a valid reason.

If it’s so important to you, and that was the decision you made when you moved in together, tell him to honour it or let you know the truth about why he’s still not sure.

And if he isn’t sure, well that’s a whole other ballgame. You can’t pressure someone into marrying you and if you did, that would be a mistake.

Hi Love Guru,
I have been married to my wife for 10 years.
Five years ago, I met this amazing woman and we are great friends. Plus there is that spark.
Her one condition for friendship was that we don’t tell each other’s families.
I know everything about her, she knows everything about me. We even discuss our sex lives.
We also flirt, but nothing more. I sometimes feel I want more, but she does not. And I respect that.
I want this friendship forever even though, sometimes, I feel a moral question. At the same time, I am not cheating on my wife.
I want to go on holidays with my friend so that we can spend some time aaram se without having to rush home.
Is there anything wrong with this?
KR

You’re cheating on your wife, KR. It may not be physical, but it’s cheating all the same.

You’re attracted to someone else and you want to go away on holiday with her without telling your wife? It’s a matter of time before the two of you fall into bed together.

You both are enjoying the attraction and not acting on it, but you’re being dishonest and setting yourself up to have a full-blown affair. It’s just a matter of time.

Let me make this very easy for you -- let's assume your wife is the one who wrote in, wanting to holiday with a special male friend.

Now you tell me -- is there anything wrong with that?

Hi
My husband is very friendly and notices beautiful and well-groomed women.
He compliments them, nothing more than that.
I notice that women like to talk to him too.
He compliments me too. He tells me that I am beautiful often and likes to see me well-dressed.
I tried talking to good-looking men in front of him and he has no problem with that.
He likes dancing too and I am not a good dancer. If I don’t dance with him, he dances with other women.
I’m not sure what to think of all this.
We have been married for one year, arranged marriage.
Is my marriage in trouble?
A worried wife

No, your marriage is not in trouble, but it will be if you overthink everything to this extent!

Don’t keep second-guessing yourself so much; confidence is a great quality in a woman and men find it attractive.

Your husband compliments you and thinks you’re beautiful. What else matters?

And as an aside, let me tell you, all men notice women other than their wives. You should be glad your husband is honest about it.

Don’t you notice other good-looking men? It’s human nature!

So stop worrying so much and start enjoying your marriage.

• Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

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This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.