Is Your Partner Toxic Or Are You Judgmental?

Relationship coaches help you decode toxic behaviour and how it can potentially damage your mental health and your relationship with your partner.

Is it toxic if your husband asks you to wipe off your lipstick?

Or if he raises his voice or does not to listen to you when you disagree with him?

Or if your partner refuses to hold your hand and get photographed in public?

More importantly, are men more toxic in relationships as compared to women?

The answer to all the above is a big NO.

"If we are talking about a particular celebrity couple or a couple's specific behaviour or an incident in the public space, we must remember that everything we see or hear about them may not necessarily be the whole truth," says Gurugram-based Dr Ashish Sehgal, a transformative coach and neuro linguistic programming expert who has over 20 years of experience in counselling people.

It could also be a marketing gimmick or a publicity stunt created to encourage a certain conversation around a new movie, a certain trend, a brand or a new project, he adds.

However, if one were to ignore the celebrity angle, how can one identify toxic behaviour?

According to Dr Sehgal, toxic behaviour is any action or response that is harmful or intended to cause harm.

"When we are looking at relationships, if we go by the benchmark set by society, most behaviours can be seen as toxic," he observes. "Especially when any relationship is judged by outsiders and not by the couple themselves."

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Anu Krishna, a Bengaluru-based mind coach and NLP trainer, prefers to use the word "unfavourable" instead of "toxic" because she believes that "toxic behaviour can also be misunderstood".

There are two sides to people and their relationships with each other, she explains.

"If you ask two people in a relationship whether there are signs of toxic behaviour, s/he will respond with the words 'always, sometimes or most of the times'.

The choice of these words, when used by a couple, should help distinguish between problematic behaviour -- one that is temporary and the other, which is dangerous and needs to be addressed or fixed, she adds.

According to Krishna, any person or individual cannot be labelled 100 per cent toxic.

"But s/he can bring certain toxic characteristics into a relationship," she says, adding, "even schizophrenics have their moments."

Whether we are talking about a particular celebrity couple or a regular couple, Dr Sehgal offers another perspective that is often ignored by society.

"Between a couple, we must remember that nothing can happen without mutual consent or agreement.

"There is a certain comfort or convenience involved which a third person or outsider may not be able to understand.

"It would be unfair to bring up one characteristic behaviour or trait or an isolated incident about a couple and label the person or the relationship toxic."

Is it normal for couples or adults to display certain toxic traits in a relationship?

How does one identify what problematic behaviour is and what it is not?

Experts feel that there could be several factors that could trigger one of the partners into behaving in a certain way or reacting in a certain situation in a manner that is not favourable.

To understand toxic behaviour, it is important to understand the different signs, and frequency, of harmful behaviour.

Some of the most common and varying signs of toxic behaviour include displaying some, or a combination of, the following traits:

Excessive control over a person/situation/relationship

There is a thin line of control in every healthy relationship.

While it is okay to feel protective about one’s partner, when one person tries to control the other either by ordering, setting too many rules and restrictions or conditioning the person or the relationship, it can be a problem.

Gaslighting

According to Krishna, when one partner constantly tries to dull or dim the other person's perception for her/his own advantage over a period of time, the other partner will tend to have self-doubt and may lose conviction about her/his own beliefs and abilities.

Gaslighting is often done so subtly that you tend to forget your identity and get carried away with the reality your partner wants you to believe in.

Krishna explains how this could be a problem in a relationship.

Here's an example: A lady and her fiance make a plan to go to Goa. One day before the planned event, he calls from the airport and informs her that he is going on an all-boys trip.

The lady is upset because it is not the first time her fiance has cancelled on her. When she confronts him, he defends himself and says she is overreacting, oversensitive and old-fashioned.

Krishna says this is a huge red flag. "Dismissing someone else's emotions repeatedly shouldn't be ignored."

Physical abuse

Screaming and shouting are common ways in which couples express their disagreement.

However, any display of violence or physical abuse by either partner in a relationship, according to Krishna, is a warning.

"If a person has intentionally or unintentionally caused you physical harm on more than one occasion, please know that it can happen any time again. It is a good enough warning for you to walk away from the person or the relationship," says Krishna.

Fear

Many women feel compelled to share information or update their partners about what they are doing to the extent that it can feel annoying and seem like interference.

At the same time, if your partner is calling or texting you repeatedly to ensure your safety, it cannot be termed as toxic, says Kanchan Rai, founder of Let Us Talk.

"It only shows that your partner is healthily concerned about you," explains the Delhi-based relationship coach.

"What is not healthy in a relationship is your spouse or partner is stalking you without your knowledge.

"If you have to constantly hide or if you are afraid to disclose the right information out of fear of being judged or being caught by your partner, it's a red flag," warns Rai.

Cheating, lying and spying due to a lack of trust

A healthy relationship is always based on trust and transparency.

If one partner constantly displays signs of cheating or compulsive lying, it is a red flag that needs to be addressed.

According to Dr Sehgal, couples who want to control their partners often resort to cheating, lying or spying.

Spying would mean following your partner, checking on them or their belongings, spying on their phone calls, text messages or social media activity and looking for opportunities to establish a reason for doubt.

When you don't respect your partner's space and privacy, the trust in the relationship is compromised and there is, clearly, there is something wrong in the relationship.

While it's important to identify and confront certain kinds of extreme behaviour in men and women, Krishna insists that toxicity can be a grey area when it comes to relationships.

"Anything that happens once cannot and should not be labelled as toxic," she says.

"Before calling it toxic, ask yourself: Is it consistently happening all the time? Does it happen always, sometimes or most of the time?"

Dr Sehgal, meanwhile, says that whatever the circumstances are, a third person, a stranger, a friend or relative has no right to judge or determine the nature of toxicity in the relationship.

"Ideally, a third person or an outsider should not have the right to comment on any relationship," he says, while explaining how isolated incidents or a rare display of bad behaviour may not necessarily qualify or help determine if the relationship or the couple are toxic for each other.

Based on years of therapy and experiences involving couples, young and old, these experts believe that most of these behaviours -- if identified and addressed -- can be corrected.

One of the first steps to deal with toxic relationships is to identify what is triggering one person in a relationship to behave or react in a way that is not so favourable towards the other individual.

It is equally important to self-analyse and understand who the more toxic partner in the relationship is.

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