Help! I'm in love with my gym instructor

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Dear Love Guru,
My husband is always travelling for work.
Our sex life is dull.
I spend more time with my gym instructor than my husband.
I think I am in love with him and love his company and his body.
I have not expressed it.
But I make excuses to spend time with him.
I need him.
My husband is of not much support.
I don’t have to leave my marriage if I could have J as my friend.
Platonic friend.
Is that wrong?
Regards,
Confused

Dear Confused,

While that may sound like an ideal situation, that's not quite how a marriage works -- with a bit on the side!

And people who travel and are away from their partners tend to miss them enough that the sex is good and frequent when they do get together. So something really seems amiss here.

Tell me, do you love your husband?

If that is the case, work on the sex. Tell him how you feel (not about the gym instructor (!), about the lack of excitement). Become a little adventurous in the bedroom, or get counselling, if need be.

If, on the other hand, you're only married because it's convenient, well, I think it's only a matter of time before you cheat on your husband, if not with this gym guy, then with the next.

And I don't think he deserves that, do you?

 

Dear Love Guru,
I have a crush on my brother’s girlfriend.
I am 24.
My brother has broken up with her.
They were seeing each other for two years.
My brother is looking to get married.
His girlfriend was upset that he broke it off, but she was of a different caste and my brother is dutiful and won’t go against my parents’ wishes.
He is looking for a Brahmin girl.
His former girlfriend became friendly with me.
She is a very sweet girl.
One year older than me.
I think I love her.
She is very senti about me.
Will it be incorrect to start dating her?
I don’t care about caste and my parents’ wishes.
Rajesh

Dear Rajesh,

Your 'dutiful' brother should not have dated her for two years if he knew the relationship had no hope.

That said, I think this is a messy situation and it would be best if you really think this through before making any hasty decision that you come to regret. What you think is love may well be an infatuation, and you don't even know if she feels the same way about you.

Moreover, it will massively complicate your relationship with your brother and your family.

I don't care about the caste thing either -- it's a ridiculously bigoted outlook toward life. But I mean complicated because of the dynamics of your interpersonal relationships with them.

How well do you even know this girl that you're willing to give up your whole family for her?

Plus she may have lingering feelings for your brother, which would add to the complexities of the matter.

 

Dear Love Guru,
My cousin sister works in a call centre.
She is a very good girl with a soft heart.
Every man wants to be friendly with her.
She is always friendly and kind back, because she does not want to hurt anyone and they misunderstand this.
And take advantage.
And then she has a hard time telling the person to go.
It happens over and over again and she gets hurt.
Can you please help her?
Thank you,
Navpreet

Navpreet, while I understand your concern, does she even want any help with her personal life? If so, she should be the one writing in.

Second, if this is happening repeatedly, I would suggest that she change her demeanour toward her male friends. If it's as often as you claim, and it is a source of distress to her, she should do something about it. And that starts with her behaviour.

She should make it clear from the get go that she doesn't want anything other than a platonic friendship, and untoward attention makes her uncomfortable.

Also she should not let people take her for granted. Draw the line so friends stay just that -- friends. It's one thing to be a nice person and another to keep letting folks walk all over you.

 

Dear Love Guru,
I have fallen in love with my English teacher.
I am 18 years of age.
I am a good student and write well and am the teacher’s pet.
My love for her is very distracting.
I don’t think she returns it.
But maybe she knows.
She is young.
Maybe early 20s.
She looks very pretty and dresses very attractively.
She is a good teacher.
I can sit in her class all day.
I want to tell her about my feelings, but it might be wrong.
I am very confused.
What can I do?
Please tell me.
Santosh

Santosh, you're not the first and you certainly won't be the last young man enamoured of his teacher.

But you're a teenager, she's a young adult and your teacher to boot!

My advice is to please leave this at what it is -- a college crush. In a few years' time you will look back at this period in your life fondly and smile.

Don't make things awkward by trying to pursue her. You said yourself she's not romantically interested in you. Plus it would be a risk to her job and career.

If you feel like you absolutely must declare your feelings of affection, at the very least I'd recommend you wait till the end of her tenure teaching you; that way you won't have to face her every day in class if things go downhill, which most likely they will.

 

Dear Love Guru,
I want to date a girl who is five years older to me.
I know she is interested in me, but is worried about the age gap.
Can it work like it is for Malaika and Arjun?
The age difference bothers her and she seems to be avoiding me.
But I just want to date her and am not considering marriage unless it works out.
What do you think I should do?
Mithun (name changed)

Mithun, five years is not some ridiculous age gap; in fact, I don't think we would be having this exchange if it were the other way around.

But because she's the woman, it poses a problem.

Now unless you're 12 years old, I say go ahead and tell her to stop behaving silly too.

For heavens' sake, you don't need Bollywood examples, it's just a few years -- she's not someone's grandmother you want to date!

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This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.