Dear Love Guru: We barely have sex

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Dear Love Guru,
I have a good husband but we barely have sex.
His excuse always is that he is tired.
I do everything he wants so he comfortable
I have tried the things said in the magazines. I dress nicely, even sexily, but he is not interested. We have sex for the sake of it once a month.
Though he is a good man, I am very unhappy. It is too embarrassing to talk to the family and friends about this.
K

Dear K,

I can understand you being too embarrassed to talk to family or friends about this problem, but you could try speaking to your husband about it directly instead?

Be frank about how your sex life is leaving you unfulfilled and disappointed.

If there is a physical issue, you could both visit a medical expert and then a marriage counsellor if there’s a psychological problem.

For your part, you need to realise that, in a long-term relationship, the frequency of sex does reduce over time.

It can’t always be forced, although I do understand that once in a month is leaving you frustrated with the lack of attention from your husband.

The key to a good sex life is good communication. You have to be honest about how you feel.

Also, I don’t understand the ‘for the sake of it’ part you’ve put in there -- that one time every few weeks, is it he who initiates it or is he only doing so to satisfy you? That information may hold a clue as to why your sex life is on the down low.

It could be simply that his drive doesn’t match yours, in which case you both need to compromise and maybe give in to each other from time to time. Say, once every two weeks to start with?

Dear Love Guru,
What’s the cure for a broken heart?
It’s been two years and though the mind wants to, the heart’s not moving on.
Name withheld on request

The cure for a broken heart is mainly to stop dwelling in the past and live for the present.

Two years is long enough! Time to get your feet wet in the dating pool… meeting someone new and interesting is the quickest way to get over an old flame, so get out there and start living your life instead of throwing yourself a pity party over what was not meant to be.

Good luck!

Hello.
I am 38 years old. I have gone through a very rough patch with my wife.
I have two children. Everything is good except, since the last three years, she never wants to be intimate with me. She never hugs/kisses me. She hates it if I hug her or kiss or touch her.
However, she take care of my all other things. I have talked to her straight-forwardly about this but she always says, ‘Bus mera dil hi nahi karta (I don’t feel like it).’
I take support of masturbation and other porn things.
Even in the night if I touch her, she shouts at me and I get embarrassed in the family as they listen all the shouts in the night.
I don’t want to leave her. How can solve it? I have nothing in my mind now.
Please help me to come out from the problem. I always care for her and love her. I can’t live without her.
Regards
Pardeep Suman

Hi Pardeep,

Something is definitely weird about your wife being so repelled by the act of physical love, to the point of shouting you away from her!

It could be anything, from feeling self-conscious about her body or some deep-rooted trauma that she’s coping with, or simply that she’s not enjoying sex any more or feels put off by it for some reason.

Is it that she was just tolerating sex even earlier in your marriage and doesn’t feel the need to do so now? Or did she enjoy it before and this phase has come on post having children?

You obviously can’t get through to her, so let a professional try to do so; I’d suggest visiting a marital counsellor as soon as is possible.

Hi,
I had been in a relationship for a few years. We broke up a year ago.
Recently, I met someone else I like through a dating app. We have met a few times and really like each other.
Now, my old girlfriend has suddenly come back in my life saying she wants to marry me.
I asked her about the break-up and she said problems are always there in life and we can work it out together.
I really like both of them. Both are nice girls. What do I do now?
Krish

Know one thing for sure, Krish; the problems that led to your break-up? They are usually magnified after marriage!

The solution to relationship issues is never getting married or having children; those just add to the trouble a couple is already facing!

It would have helped if you had told me what reason was behind your breaking up in the first place, but with the limited information you’ve provided me, it sounds like your ex is mainly keen to get back with you because you have someone new in your life. That’s human nature.

If I were you, I’d go with the one who has my heart and who I’m compatible with.

Dear Love Guru,
I was married for one year.
We are divorced now.
I am angry and bitter and I feel cheated.
I want to move on but I cannot get over these feelings.
The divorce was her decision. We didn’t even get enough time to know each other and work things out.
Gaurav

Dear Gaurav,

Sounds to me like an arranged match, since you say you didn’t have enough time to get to know one another. And that, unfortunately, is one of the pitfalls of marrying someone you don’t know well enough.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling; I think visiting a therapist may help. And please know that you can still have a happily ever after with someone else, so don’t give up on the idea of a happy family yet, alright?

Also, I don’t believe in arranged marriages at all; marriage in and of itself is hard enough with someone you love; it entails compromises and sacrifices and struggles to make a relationship work.

When there’s no emotional bond to begin with, it’s easier to walk out because it’s more of a living and financial arrangement.

Let me clarify that there’s no harm in being set up with someone by your parents, but then you really need to explore the relationship before getting into a lifetime commitment.

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This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.