DEAR LOVE GURU: My wife is flirting with other men

Relationship problems? Let Love Guru help.

If you are facing relationship issues -- and if you are in a relationship, you're facing issues -- we have someone you can discuss them with freely.

Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Dear LG,
Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others.
I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years.
I got two kids.
My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple.
I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life.
From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job).
She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages.
Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages.
She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages.
He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other
in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also.
She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back).
Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, "You always says same thing. I will become old one day."
Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility.
She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know.
Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour.
I have stopped reading her messages now.
But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.)
Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation.
Regards.

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!

Dear Love Guru,
I am working in an educational Institute where I am a non-teaching staff.
Out of many staff members, I liked one married lady faculty.
She always laughs when I crack jokes. She talks nicely with me. So I am waiting for a chance to impress her and propose her.
After so many waiting months, I got a chance. Her payment cheque was with me for delivery so I called her at a place which is near to her home. There, I asked her a coffee in a hotel. She immediately agreed.
So we go to nearby hotel and have a lot of general discussion for one hour.
At the end of it, I gave her one yellow rose as a good friend to start the friendship.
After 2-3 days, I again called her to meet me in a hotel for coffee. She first said yes and after one hour she refused to meet me.
After that, she stopped talking with me and blocked me from WhatsApp, phones and other things. She is avoiding me continuously due to which I have gone into depression.
Love Guru, please tell me where I went wrong.

Oh, I’ll tell you where you went wrong alright -- by trying to pursue a married woman!

Just because she is nice to you and laughs at your jokes does not mean she’s romantically interested in you. And maybe she realised that you’re in it for more than friendship and decided to cut things off right there.

I would suggest you behave appropriately, keep your distance and look for a relationship elsewhere.

I need not remind you that it’s also your job on the line if she complains of sexual harassment at your workplace.

Look elsewhere, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

Dear Love Guru,
I was in a relationship for a few years. Our parting was mutual and amicable and we are friends now.
My wedding has been fixed through an arranged match. It will take place in May.
I don’t know my fiance that well. He knows about my past relationship but does not know it was physical. I have been battling with myself if I should tell him or if I tell him this might break or that I will give my marriage a bad start.
What do you advise?
AK

You say he already knows about your past relationship. Has he been accepting of it? If so, then there’s no need to go into the nitty gritty details, is there?

People in relationships are obviously physical with each other; only a fool would assume otherwise.

And what about his past? Has he told you about it?

Yes, I do think you should be honest with your partner if it’s weighing on you or bothering you. If not, and suffice to say he knows of your past relationship and hasn’t asked for further details, then leave it alone.

But I will say this: if you do tell him, you’ll know the kind of man you’re marrying.

If he’s fine with it and accepts that everyone has a history and it is to be accepted as part of them, that’s fine.

If not, then, well, I would call off the marriage if I were in your place, forget him doing so! Who wants to be married to an old-fashioned chauvinist?

Dear Love Guru
My husband and I are fighting a lot these days.
He keeps saying I am not marriage material.
When I ask him what a marriage material wife is, he says someone who put the family and him first.
I am a housewife. I look after the house, my children, my husband, my in-laws, who are old. There is just so much I can do and I do my best. My mother-in-law is always complaining about me and my husband insults me in front of the children. I am afraid of what my son and daughter are learning when they see us. I tell him this and that we should always talk in the bedroom but he does not see anything wrong.
I am tired of hearing this marriage material thing all the time. How, suddenly, after 15 years, I am not marriage material?
Our sex life is not good. I am tired and he is not interested.
Please help. I don’t want my marriage to break.

He sounds like a real piece of work. And he has some audacity saying you’re ‘not marriage material’. What the hell is ‘marriage material’ anyway?

Sounds like there’s a lot on your plate and he’s taking advantage of you.

Visit a marriage counsellor ASAP; this idiot needs to be told by a qualified professional that he’s ‘not husband material’.

And, as a side note, living with the in-laws is almost always cause for further friction within a marriage. 

Dear LG,
My boyfriend is very handsome and nice but he is of a jealous kind.
He says it is okay if I talk to other boys but every time I talk to someone we fight.
He wants to check my phone and he says I can check his phone too.
He does not like my choice of clothes or my wearing dresses. He dresses how I want and always asks if I like what he is wearing. If I don’t, next time he changes.
Is this good to go ahead or not good? I am not sure but I like him and my family likes him too.
SK

Run for the hills! This man will ruin your life if you decide to spend the rest of it with him.

Telling you what to wear, checking your phone and being unreasonably jealous of other men are all huge red flags and I am categorically telling you to break this relationship off.

His wearing what you like is just a cover-up for his controlling behaviour. Don’t fall for it at all!

• Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

Please note: All content and media herein is written and published online for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice. It should not be relied on as your only source for advice.

Please always seek the guidance of a qualified professional with any questions you may have about your relationships. Do not ever disregard the advice of a qualified professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read herein.

If you choose to rely on any information provided herein, you do so solely at your own risk.

Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.