8 things you will NEVER learn at IIMs

Rohit Salaria, the protagonist of IIM C alumnus Mayank Jain's Stop Me If You Can learnt some rare skills during his two years at the IIM-C. He offers a tongue-in-cheek account of the things he missed learning at the b-school. Read an excerpt from his book here. Illustration by Uttam Ghosh

Rohit Salaria from the Indian Institute of Management, Calcutta, (the chutzpadik, cheeky, outlandish fictional protagonist of Mayank Jain's debut novel Stop Me If You Can!!) comes up with things that he never learnt at the IIM (rather things which IIMs would never teach you).

Take them with a pinch (make it handful) of salt. And roll along!

Presenting the things you don't learn at the IIMs…

1. How to woo girls: You need girls for that. Ha ha.

2. The art of relaxing: IIM grads unlearn this skill the moment they enter the hallowed portals of their institute. Relaxing could mean sudden death in this super-competitive setting.

3. Failure management: Bloated egos and superhuman achievements mean that failure has been elusive in an IIM grad's twenty/twenty-five years of existence.

Once at an IIM, amongst a pool of 400 awesomely, outlandishly talented individuals they come face to face with the demon called failure for probably the first time ever. And then it's mayhem. An IIM grad will refuse to learn failure handling tactics and an IIM will refuse to stop providing him with opportunities to do so.

4. Info on other b-schools: You must be insane to even think that it is a possibility. An IIM grad speaking/mentioning and in extreme cases even thinking about other B-schools is ostracized from the elite group.

5. Human Resource fundamentals: Okay, let me get this straight. These are IIM grads. Hardly humans.

6. Listening skills: Are you kidding me? At IIMs you are supposed to shout your lungs out about your identity and your achievements (and why Storgan Monley/McSinkey/Gain & Co. etc. should recruit you). Whoever listens to anyone else?

7. Walking with the group: Ha ha. If only there were groups at IIMs. It's all about yourself or someone else's own self. Then, how on earth can an IIM grad ever walk with the group?

8. Physical fitness: As much as you can expect from an overdose of classes, assignments, quizzes and interview preparations.

Rohit's creator and author Mayank Jain is available at mayankj2010@email.iimcal.ac.in.