5 things the hiring manager will never tell you

For a change, pretend you're at the other end of the line -- you are the hiring manager.

Is there something you'd like your prospective candidates to know? 

There are people who wish they could use their telepathic skills to find out what the hiring manager really wants.

Oh! To be able to see through people and deliver ahead of expectations will be such a great power to hold.

It is true that in a world of locked minds, the person wielding the power of telepathy is king; but let's be realistic here -- How many can actually do that?

Prospective job seekers scan through millions of websites and conditioning profiles to seek a way into the albatross of the guarded HR mind, but with no avail.

To them, an HR manager is the sly devil in a Raymond suit -- unpredictable, evil and inaccessible.

And the poor HR official suffers the disadvantage of being a consummate professional and earning a bad name for doing his job.

Many fail to understand that the HR guy is actually out there to help you make the best of your present situation and deliver to the best of your abilities. But since a job seeker does not understand the intricacies of human resource handling, he calls them "sour grapes" and retires to slinging mud.

At the end of the day an HR person will never tell you what he wants because it will be like a magician giving out his age-old secrets. But if one could really read their thoughts, this is what they'd hear:

1. "Please don’t waste my time"

In the busy days of the ‘hiring season’, an HR official is quite the monkey-at-gunpoint-dancing-on-a-hot-plate.

He’s handling calls from different head of departments, juggling company requirements, negotiating with recruiters, maintaining office sanity, dealing with legal cases and with employee petitions for better cafeteria food.

With the poor man working himself down to the bone, the least that any candidate can do is supply him with the absolute information, and try not to waste his time.

Doing so will get you into his good books, and who knows he might send you flowers in gratitude.

2. "Stop calling me! E-mail me instead!"

The HR manager can understand that your state of unemployment is driving you down to unheard pits of depression, but incessantly calling the HR manager is not going to get anything ahead.

Think about the poor monkey-on-hot-plate, and try and lessen his load.

E-mail him your concerns instead of ringing him up once every hour.

He understands your need to call, but an email will make his world run much smoother. Remember point #1 at all costs.

3. "DO NOT send me resumes taken off some sample template!"

He has been in this business for too long to be able to identify a genuinely worked-on resume from a copy-paste-reformat one.

Just one glance will tell him whether your credentials will prove to be an asset for the company or be just trash, so make it easier for yourself and design your resume thoroughly and manually.

4. “Please do your homework”

When it comes to interviews, the candidates who come in with blank looks, along with zero understanding of the job profile are already forgotten.

The HR person cannot waste his time, trying to explain what the company expects of the candidate.

They should've known that before they walked in. And when he asks you the whys and the hows, please save his soul from sad sob-stories of your empty bank balance.

Instead profess your undying love for the company and justify how this is the job of your dreams.

Be genuine and rest assured that he will go from pillar to post to get you on the payroll.

5. "Some appreciation, if you will?"

At the end of the day, the poor man/woman is working himself down to the bone in a practically thankless job.

Sure, s/he is giving you the much needed break into the industry, but will it kill you send him/her a bunch of flowers?

Even a sincere handwritten note will suffice.

The HR manager is the mediator between the employee and the organisation.

If you fail to live up to your expectations, it is the poor guy who will have to bear the brunt, so it is nice to give him a little credit for your achievements.

If it weren't for him/her, you wouldn't exist on the payroll in the first place.

The HR Manager at the end of the day is nothing but a coconut.

A hard shell rendered by the difficult corporate life, only giving way to a soft-hearted individual.

With this valuable insight into the mind of the HR species, one can hope that the candidates will up their game when it comes to presenting their best front.

Photograph: Patrick Fallon/Reuters