LOVE GURU: My wife won't wear sexy clothes

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Dear Guruji,
Namaskar.
I have been married since five years (arranged) and have two beautiful kids.
The problem in my married life is that I don't find my wife beautiful or attractive.
Why I agreed to marry her back in 2016 is a topic for another day, but it was my decision and I was not forced in any way.
I am not a bad guy and believe that physical beauty is not all that matters.
She is a very honest and beautiful person by nature. I have tried and tried and tried but she just does not appear attractive to me in any way.
We have sex very rarely and now she is beginning to question me about it. I make excuses on and off but now it’s getting on me.
I want to feel the desire for sex with my wife too, but there seems to be no way. I cannot leave her coz I know she is not to blame and same goes for the kids.
Sometimes I feel that I should tell her I don't find her attractive but I know it will hurt her.
The problem is that it’s not just she who is suffering coz of lack of sex; I am also going through same.
Please advise,
Anonymous

Ouch! It’s not every day that someone writes in stating that s/he is quite so turned off by a partner.

You seem to have a good wife and a good marriage outside of the sex.

Instead of hurting her feelings about her appearance, why don’t you make some suggestions that will improve your attraction toward her? Surely you have preferences when it comes to hair/ clothing/ lingerie?

She’s obviously noticed your lack of interest and I think she will be willing to take a few steps to remedy the situation.

As a side note, please remember that beauty runs only skin-deep.

Don’t mess up your family over something like this; and if my advice doesn’t help, you have two other options.

One, visit a therapist to help you work through this problem or, two, just turn off the lights and get down to business with her using your imagination!

 

I would like to be anonymous.
I am 62 years old and my wife is 54 years old. We had had good sex life till two years back.
Presently my wife has no inclination for sex, whereas I have a strong libido and am forced to get relief by masturbation.
Please suggest ways how to reduce my libido or revive my wife’s interest.
Thanks,
Anonymous

Post menopause, women do have to cope with several hormonal changes and sometimes lose interest in sex.

You need to explain your frustration to your wife and hear her side of it.

If you say you had a good sex life with her up until just two years ago, that means a particular issue has definitely triggered this situation.

Have a frank conversation and take steps to remedy it. Maybe she can speak to her gynaecologist about it as well; she’s certainly not the first middle-aged woman to go off sex at this juncture in life.

 

Hi.
I am a 40-year-old male and my wife is 36 years. We have two kids.
Our marriage is normal like mostly couples.
I like to try and experience different things for which my wife is not ready. She is always happy in the normal, lazy sex life.
She never tries to initiate things or perform well in sex. She just doesn’t cooperate.
It has been 11 years since we got married and I have tried to convince her plenty of times for some extra fun but she always refused.
She is beautiful but doesn’t like to wear sexy or modern clothes. That’s why I started looking out of the box for satisfying myself.
Is there any other thing I can do?

What do you mean by ‘looking out of the box’? I have news for you, buddy -- marriage is a box and you’re inside it!

I can understand your frustration, but it’s not like your wife is refusing you sex and you need to look for it elsewhere. I suspect that she’s refusing to cooperate because it seems unnatural to her and there’s some moral dilemma attached to her manner of thinking.

The first thing you need to do is help her remove the stigma she attaches to being sexually adventurous.

Explain that all normal couples experiment in the bedroom and that as long as it’s consensual, what the two of you do to each other behind closed doors is not for anyone to judge.

Maybe a sex therapist could better able to explain to her that giving in to some of your suggestions and fantasies is normal and not some depraved act that she should be embarrassed about.

 

Hi Love Guru,
Please help me.
My husband and I are fighting. We can’t get along because he is a miser.
M

Oh, boy!

When you’re living with a miser, and particularly if he holds the purse strings in your household, I don’t see an easy solution.

The only thing I can think of is, make your own money and spend it how you see fit. Because when you’re nowhere on the same wavelength financially, it’s unlikely that either party will change their ways.

People don’t change. Compromises can be made, and maybe you can work through your disagreements by discussing each expense, but it will remain an issue.

I would suggest seeing a marital counsellor, who can maybe explain to him that he’s being irrational about money. Hearing it from someone else may give him some food for thought.

 

I am in a relationship since nine years, including four years of marriage.
Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters.
Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us.
We have stopped talking and are not even getting a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future.
During the second wave of the pandemic, we came to our native place. After spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back.
We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. Then I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk.
Now, I have stopped talking to her.
I am bit worried as I feel like I am left alone.
Despite so many efforts towards her and her family , she finds a reason to get pissed about me.
I am not sure anymore what to do.
If I try to make her understand, then this is again the same situation happening since four years.
If I don’t, then I know she won’t be taking any initiative from her side.
Please suggest.

You have left out one very important piece of information. Do you and your wife live with your mother and sisters?

I know in-laws are a bone of contention in most households at some point, but it comes to such an extreme only when people are forced to cohabitate with them. And if this is the case, you need to change the living arrangements pronto.

Never mind whether your wife is right or your family is right; if you want to save your marriage and improve relations between your family and your wife, move out. Immediately.

I’d like you to write in again and tell me exactly what’s going on. And this is for both of you -- if you don’t let go of the past and forgive each other’s past mistakes, you’ll never move forward.

The idea is not to repeat them and fall into old patterns of behaviour.

You need to make a promise to each other that, when having a discussion, neither will rake up past fights unless they have an extreme bearing on the current scenario.

• Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

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This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.