ASK ANU: My Ex Is Blackmailing Me

Keep a record of all his threatening messages on your phone/email/text chats, etc. This can help the police nail him, advises rediffGURU Anu Krishna.

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone!

rediffGURU Anu Krishna , who is a mind/life coach and NLP trainer, wants you to talk about your problems. She will address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

Ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.

 

Dipanwita: Hi mam... I was in a relationship with a boy for 2 years but for those two years he blackmailed me and threatened me and did this even after the break up.
He calls my acquaintances almost every day and asks about me.
If he finds any information about me, he will continue to blackmail and threaten me.
I liked another boy even though I didn't talk to him But I am so afraid that if the blackmailed boy calls him and asks something about me and this boy says something , What will I do then?

Dear Dipanwita,

And you want to live a life filled with fear?

Fear is what makes these boys/men do more of this bullying and blackmailing.

Kindly report the matter to your family (with no fear). Yes, they might be upset with you for being in a relationship but surely they will support you and protect you.

If they don't, approach a female relative who can guide you to an NGO who will help you with the police complaint.

Keep a record of all his threatening messages on your phone/email/text chats, etc. This can help the police nail him as well.

Do not threaten him back but collect enough information as he threatens and blackmails you.

It is time to put an end to this. So instead of jumping into another relationship, please end the previous one. And please, give yourself a break to find your happiness within you rather than moving from one to the other.

I say this only because one has messed with your mind with fear and this needs to be removed.

Be strong and focus on yourself. You owe a peaceful and happy life to yourself!

 

Suraj: Hi Anu, I am happily married for 11 years with no kids. This doesnt hamper our relationship and I wish to continue my life happily.
Issue is i feel urge to chat with female friends, get into sexting and in a couple of instances got physical as well. In this process i have lost a few friends also as they did get intimate during the chat but later on felt guilty.
I do not feel guilty.
Me and my wife indulge in roleplays during foreplay and i am also open to be a cuckold during that. Sometimes she enjoys the talk of someone else but sometimes she gets turned off by it.
I truely love her and would never leave her.
But this habit of mine has cost me a few friends and i am afraid if she would come to know about this, it will destroy her emotionally which i do not want.

Dear Suraj,

Well, if both of you consent to this experimentation in the bedroom, alright... be happy! But if she is not comfortable with something, then it’s better to talk about it rather than push it any further. It's only fun as long as both the partners enjoy it.

But what seems to bother you is losing your friends due to intimate chats. Why are you indulging in it? Is it another form of experimentation? Is it an experience that serves you in a way that you can be closer to your wife?

Human beings do things that ultimately results in some form of gain to themselves. But if this is impacting your social circle, then it's time to understand that you must STOP!

Maybe what started off as something harmless turned into something more serious in your female friends and they feel guilty.

You might feel open and quite fine with these intimate chats, but it doesn't end well for them and they have begun to move away from you. So, seriously, turn this off. If you feel that this will hurt your wife, why do it then?

Making sense?

All the best! Do the wise thing!

 

Sanju: Hi Anu, I am 44 years old man and I have unsuccessful married life as my wife didn't like be in the relationship with me within 7 months of our marriage. We married in the year 2013 and she annulled me in the year 2014.
She is hyper sentimental and egoistic. She only loves money and her parents. We had exchanged some words (just like it happens in every married life).
I tried to make her understand that if she don't get a job I will support her so that she can get a job. But she didn't pay attention to my request.
She filed Mat suite for divorce with false allegations and I have filed a restitution of conjugal right case . She lost her divorce case and I won the RCR case.
But despite magistrate order and my request she didn't turn up and filed 498A, DV Act and 125 CrPC tagging most my relatives with false evidences two years back. I fought all cases and during this time I lost my father.
However again she lost DV case and Supreme Court ordered lower court to discharge everyone if they do not found us guilty as we have sufficient proof.
Her lawyer started taking tricks by requesting for short span for each hearing date. As my mother's health is not well and I leave in South India, it was difficult for me to attend every hearing date. So, I decided to give up and signed the divorce petition on mutual consent.
I tried my best to bring her back, but I failed.
Everyone is asking to start the life in new way, but I am really shocked and in trauma of the mental torture and harassment. I am thinking that is it good start the life again in this age ? Will the new life partner take similar steps to harass me again ?
Please advice.

Dear Sanju,

I can only imagine the unrest that you must be feeling right now.

Regarding your question on mental torture and harassment; I do understand how unnerving it must be for you to wake up every morning and stare at the harsh reality of what it is for you. Nevertheless, beaten down but not yet given up is something you must always remember.

It is natural to think that history repeats itself; but you cannot assume that the next person you meet will be the same. Do not enter into a relationship or marriage with this assumption; what might tend to happen is that you will hold yourself back and your partner will always feel that you are being distant from them.

Do understand that the context of marriage is the same but the persons in question are different. It's like saying: I failed in Math, so Math is a bad subject and I will always fail! Get a hang of what I am referring to?

Take some time off to heal and be at peace and remind yourself that you deserve happiness and marriage form of a beautiful relationship that can make you happy.

For now, tell 'everyone' who is asking you to start a new life to give you space to reflect on:

~ What can I do different in the next relationship that I pursue?

~ What more can I do for my partner that I didn't in the previous marriage?

- What are a few core values of mine that I want to see in my partner as well?

And it’s of no use starting a new life by thinking if your new life partner will harass you as well. Instead step in telling yourself: New relationship, new person, new thoughts, new life goals, new...The word NEW should give your brain something NEW to chew on, discarding the old.

All the best!

 

Seetha: Hello Mam ! Mam I don’t know if I have right to ask you this cause I am still 17!
Mam I am Seetha , Iam in Inter 2 ne year now and yes it is yet to complete in two days and I am preparing for Neet 2023 and Yes I am least confident about my first attempt so I’ll be preparing for Neet 2024 to !
There is a boy whom I know him since 5th class but we were close to each other from 9th class ….. but like a good friend and 4 months ago he proposed me and I slowly fell in love with him !!!
He is a good guy he respects me a lot and he respects everyone …from past one month we were very close and we met several times …..
He is a guy who respects my time and his time he don’t have obsession like I have for him ….I always force him to stay or talk big longer and he felt like I won’t respect his time and Iam a person whiny understand his efforts he puts for us and he said 5 days ago that we should be away for a year so that concentrate on ourself and he said to that I should change to a mature person …and he blocked me everywhere but I refused but I done it I mean neither we talked or chatted with each other for 5 days but yesterday I called him from other number and he know that and unblocked me so we spoke to each other !
He said that we should be apart for our self but then again he said we should have Naeem friends
I asked him that be true and if you want to ask for a break up you can buy he said no I want you and I don’t want to leave you … and yeah mam he never tried to be physical with me only I was !
But I don’t know what I should do now ? He said this is test for us that will our love be the same for one year ?
Now you please say me mam that what should be done
Should I have to stay away for one year or should I break up with him since he said we should have been frnds only ! What should I do mam ? Kindly please reply me as fast as you could mam !!!

Dear Seetha,

Yes, please stay away from this boy.

He has no clarity about what he wants or what he is doing. He wants you around and then doesn't and then again on his terms.

Both of you need to become emotionally mature to handle a relationship.

Like he said: Give yourselves that time and space to focus on studies first. If you add all these confusions, your studies will suffer and you will end up feeling frustrated.

Put down a goal list with a timeline for your forthcoming exams and keep a check at the end of the day as to how much you have accomplished. This is the age for focusing on academics as well besides relationships.

Right now, what seems most useful for you is your focus on academics and having a strong friends circle. This will not only distract you but also allow you to see that there is a lot of life outside of this boy that you are stuck on...

So, move on, take a break and enjoy life and study hard!

Best wishes for a bright future!

 

Gopi: From 5 years we had ups and downs in live in relationship. Her age 40 years and my age 53yrs.
She had one son and got married living seperately. One daughter whom I have taken care of education and others like her father b'coz of her we have again separated. Living seperately.
Now am confused whether I have continue or close our relationship.

Dear Gopi,

I don't think you and this lady have spoken about the structure of the live-in.

Live-in seems like a very fancy thing to do, but it lacks the structure that marriage provides.

So if you are one of those people who needs the security and stability that marriage can offer and live-in can't, then maybe you are in the wrong place.

Live-in isn't going to give you any commitments unless you both have agreed to live-in and see if it can turn into a commitment.

If both of you have agreed that it is going to be a live-in only, do factor in how you are going to raise your respective children and also explain this facet of live-in to them.

Marriage definitely will give the children the necessary stability but if both the partners are mature enough to take on a live-in, the love and support in that environment can also welcome the children warmly.

So, it's time to evaluate what you seek: a live-in or a marriage and she must answer the same.

Sit down together and discuss this at length begore taking any big decisions.

All the best!

Ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.

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Anu Krishna is a mind coach, author and co-founder, Unfear Changemakers LLP.

She's an NLP Trainer (National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, NFNLP, USA), Energy Work Specialist (Institute for Inner Studies, Manila), Executive Member, Indian Association of Adolescent Health and Member, Quality Circle Forum of India.

She has authored the self-coaching book: The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.

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