'BF Wants To Marry But Has No Savings'

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai offers advice on how to prioritise your mental well-being as you build a healthy relationship with your partner.

• You can post your questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Would you get married to someone who doesn't have a stable career or personal savings?

How does one deal with misunderstandings in a committed relationship?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, a relationship coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, urges you to talk about your problems so you can seek solutions and transform your life.

• You can post your questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Anonymous: My boyfriend, aged 34, has an older brother who has two daughters and a wife.
My boyfriend's parents are no more. My BF wants to marry me but he has no savings, no mutual funds and no property.
When I asked my BF to start concentrating on his own life instead of helping him financially, he got irritated.
His elder brother deals in the visa business but he didn't help my BF for the same.
My BF is very bothered and wants to contribute to his brother's kids and future, funds and education but I haven't felt the same excitement when discussing the future with me.
I am very confused, I love him but I want him to focus on himself and his future financially.
I can sense something awkward in his family relations but if I get married I don't want all of this mess.
We have communicated on the same but he gets hurt every time. What should I do?

You're in a tough spot where your boyfriend's focus on supporting his brother's family is overshadowing his attention to your future together.

It seems like he feels responsible for his brother’s kids, especially since their parents are no longer around but this comes at the expense of his own financial planning and goals with you.

While it's admirable that he wants to help, it’s essential for him to also prioritise the future you're trying to build together.

Anonymous: I am going through some situations in my relationship with my wife. I am not able to distinguish what step to take.
In short, we had an arranged marriage. We got married in 2019.
We had a distant relationship as both of us were working.
Due to some misunderstanding, we detached from each other from April 2021 till July 2024 with zero contact and conversation.
She contacted me in July 2024 and decided to start again.
As I am here now and may be posted anywhere in India wherever my company may post me, I contacted one of my friends who works in the same institution and is my childhood friend. He told me yes it is good if she can get a promotion. But if she took the promotion she will keep roaming anywhere in India.
My friend who knew about our situation and relationship explained that we are already not living like a couple so she should consider her social life which she can while refraining promotion.
My wife is now asking me as she wants a baby. She said the baby would remain with me and since my wife had no brother she also told me that she would keep her parents forever with her.
I told her 'OK I just want a life where all of us can enjoy together.'
If we are blessed with any baby, he or she should get the love of all (you, me, and our parents).
She denied it and told me it wasn't possible.
Now I am suffering from lots of thoughts and stress with uneven mood swings if I go for baby then how it will work?
She is earning almost more than a lakh a month.
I told her I am ok with the promotion but the baby should get love and care. Now I am struck in between.

First, it's important to acknowledge how difficult this must be for both of you after such a long period of no contact.

Rebuilding a relationship after being apart for over three years, especially with such different expectations, will take patience, understanding and honest communication.

It sounds like both of you have valid concerns.

She wants to balance her career and family and you want a life where the child is surrounded by love and stability. However, her desire to have her parents with her permanently and your concerns about how the baby will be raised need to be discussed thoroughly before making any decisions.

Your friend's advice about considering how to balance personal and professional life is worth thinking about but, ultimately, this is about what you and your wife want from your relationship.

A good starting point would be to sit down with her and have an honest, open discussion about your expectations.

It's important to figure out whether both of you can compromise on certain issues. For example, can you find a middle ground where you both feel supported in your careers while also prioritising the family dynamic you both envision?

Consider couples counselling, as it might help both of you communicate better and understand each other's perspectives more deeply.

The key is to align your goals and see if you're both willing to make adjustments for the future you're trying to build together.

Lastly, take care of your emotional health.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, it might help to talk to someone neutral or even a counsellor to help you process your thoughts and make decisions with more clarity.

Hi, my wife always fights and swears at me on every small discussion. She ran away from our house three times after arguing.
She also likes to talk to other guys after starting a fight with me and always compares me with them as she think those boys can take good care of her while they just wanna use her.
I've tried talking to her mother but the mother always supports and listens to my wife.
We have two daughters aged seven and three.
Please advise me on the way forward because I am seriously fed up with her behaviour.

Start by setting aside a calm moment to have a serious discussion with your wife about how her behaviour affects you and the children.

Use 'I' statements to express your feelings, like 'I feel hurt when you compare me to other men' or 'I feel stressed when our discussions turn into arguments'. This approach can help her see your perspective without feeling attacked.

Next, it might be helpful to set some boundaries.

Explain that while you're committed to your marriage, you can't tolerate behaviour that is disrespectful or harmful to the family. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not and let her know that continuous conflicts will have consequences for your relationship. 

Consider seeking professional help through couples therapy or counselling. A neutral third party can help facilitate conversations, address underlying issues and improve communication between you two.

If your wife is resistant, you might still consider going alone to seek support and strategies for yourself.

When discussing her conversations with other men, emphasise your concerns for her safety and emotional well-being. Let her know that these interactions can create more significant issues in your relationship, especially with children involved. Encourage her to focus on building a strong family foundation rather than seeking validation from others.

Lastly, prioritise your daughters' well-being. Make sure they feel secure and loved, regardless of the challenges you're facing. If necessary, seek support from trusted friends or family members to help you navigate this situation.

Remember that you deserve respect and support in your relationship. If things do not improve despite your efforts, you may need to consider your options moving forward for your happiness and the well-being of your children.

• You can post your questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

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